Welcome back, my dear and loyal reader! How are you doing on this cold as balls Wednesday? Doing good? That’s great to hear!
Today has been weird, and it’s only just begun. So I am very curious to see where my day goes from here! Why has it been weird, you ask? Well let me tell you!
I have a friend that I have had a long running series of sexual role plays and sexting with ask make a very interesting request. It’s a girl I’ve never met in real life, despite us living literally minutes apart. We keep it all online/text based. Which is perfectly fine, although truth be told, after some of the things we’ve said and done in our stories, I’d really enjoy meeting her in person. That could be... very intense. But it’ll never happen. And that’s cool. Doesn’t hurt to dream though, right?
Anyway, she is familiar to a degree about my interest in the BDSM world and has urged me to seek it out. Honestly, if not for her, I don’t know that you’d be reading this, dear reader. So you can thank her! Or blame her. Either way.
My friend is purely submissive in our play, and embraces that role eagerly. That puts me in a bit of a more dominant position, which I have enjoyed assuming for her, even though I’m not sure it’s the right role for me in general. At least currently (more on this a bit later in the post! Building that anticipation!)
Last night I made a joke that I was going to have to punish her for something and it opened up a dialogue about that. And this morning I woke up to a text from her that said essentially “Hey, I know you’re still trying to figure out all the dom/sub stuff and find your path there, but I kind of want you to try to be a dom for me.”
Fear, anxiety, confusion, and determination all flashed through my mind in a matter of seconds. “Is this girl crazy,” I thought to myself, “I can’t do this!” There are so many stories out there of doms who don’t know what they’re doing and it just fails miserably, it hurts the sub, and can really destroy relationships.
I asked her why she wanted me to do this. And her answer makes sense to me, but I’m still nervous, which I think is right. She told me that she wants to help me on this journey and that without practice, without experience, without trying it, I’ll never if it’s right for me. I’ll never know my potential, and never reach it. And worst case, if it isn’t working, then we stop that dynamic and look at it as a failed experiment.
Which does sound appealing. We are currently discussing the specifics of the arrangement and what she wants out of it, limits, and all manner of things now. I’m likely going overboard on the questions and getting things stated plainly (a vague disclaimer is nobodies friend! If anyone catches that reference, you’re my new best friend!) but I figure, if I’m going to fuck this up, I’d rather it be a failure on my part, not a failure of the boundaries. Does that make sense? I think it does. Maybe. Maybe not.
For any of you that have stepped into the big boy shoes (or big girl) and assumed a dominant role, were you nervous the first time? I’m mildly terrified that I’m going to fail. Was that anyone else’s concern when they started?
I was talking to a friend yesterday (different friend. Holy shit, I have multiple friends! Ha! Suck it, kids I went to school with!) and it brought up some stuff from my past. You see, several years ago, I had a different friend (Boom! Up to 3!) that also wanted me to take on kind of a dom role. For her, it was purely nonsexual, and she just needed to have a strong hand to help her take care of herself. She has health issues and hates taking her meds, loves to party, hates to eat or sleep or drink anything except Red Bull. She was a mess and was afraid that due to her health issues, if she didn’t change her ways, it would kill her. I agreed, because that’s what friends do.
She made things so fucking difficult. She fought me every step of the way, was always being very brat-like, and just caused me way more stress than I expected. It was hard. And I failed. Miserably. Luckily she’s still alive and we still talk on occasion, but I failed.
After discussing this with friend 2, she pointed out that if my friend really wanted my help, she would have helped and did what was asked. She wouldn’t have fought everything. So it wasn’t that I failed. I was set up for failure. And I just didn’t have a way to be successful. This entire experience was also online, by the way. In person I would have been more able to keep her in check. Sadly, in text or on a call it’s a bit harder when someone doesn’t do their part.
Weirdly, that was what I needed to hear to feel better about a situation that ended years ago, and yet the next day I get propositioned to try again. Funny how the universe works. It makes me think that I may be following the right path by taking this opportunity. But I’m still worried about fucking up, dear reader.
Another interesting sign from the universe is that friend 2 has been very supportive of me and saying things that makes it sound like she thinks I’d make a good dom. While she hasn’t said that specifically, that’s the general sense I get from what she says. So maybe it’s meant to be? Maybe it’s Maybelline?
Im sure that as I go through all of this, there will be updates. So, warning you now. If you have any advice, dear reader, I’m all ears. I’d love to hear your opinion! I know it’s been a long post, and I feel like I need to reward you for sticking it out! So here! One of my favorite memes, because it’s geeky, yet relevant to the site!
