Happy Ho Ho Ho day, my dear reader! How was your Christmas? Did you get that fancy toy you wanted? Did you eat so much you can barely breathe? Did you get drunk and piss in the holiday punch? You did? Awesome! Also... remind me to not invite you over to parties...
It was a fantastic day for me though. I spent the day with family that I only see once or twice a year, so it’s good to catch up with them. We shared a lot of laughs, had some good food, I pissed my niece off with a Christmas gift... it was great!
For the explanation there, let me take you back to last Christmas. My niece, who is 20 now and fucked up like me, bought me a gift card for Christmas. She put it in a small box, wrapped it, and zip tied the box shut. Very well played. I had done something similar to her years ago.
This year, however, the word of the day was escalation. I bought her a gift card as well. I wrapped it in a box. Wrapped the box in paper. Wrapped the paper in clear packing tape. Wrapped the tape in paper. Wrapped the paper in zip ties. Wrapped the zip ties in a box. Wrapped the box in paper. Wrapped the paper in a plastic bag. Wrapped the bag in paper. Wrapped the paper in another box. Wrapped the box in paper. Wrapped the paper in a garbage bag. Wrapped the garbage bag in tape. Wrapped the tape in paper, then put that all in a nice gift bag.
Did you follow that? All told there were 12 fucking layers! And, being the asshole that I am, I wrote the lyrics to 12 days of Christmas on each layer so that on roughly day 3, she saw and understood what was happening and realized just how far she had to go. It was beautiful. The kicker? Remember the original box? It was empty except for a small printed middle finger. So she had to spend 20 minutes working through all of that for absolutely no payoff.
Once she saw the finger the defeated sigh escaped her throat and I gave her the gift card. Which was wrapped in a nice box with the first verse of 12 days of Christmas written on it... the terror in her eyes was a thing of beauty! Luckily once she opened it the card was there and ready. But the face she made was priceless.
Next year, I expect something crazy in return. The year after that, imma buy the kid gift card and bury in a foot wide and deep concrete block and give her a tiny hammer and chisel to break it open.
Maybe, just maybe, I’m an asshole lol
