Good morning, my loyal reader! I hope you are having a great Tuesday! So far mine has been... weird.
I have been sneezing a lot today. And that shit hurts. But in new and unpleasant ways. How, you may be wondering? Well let me tell you! Because why not jump into the bodily functions on a Tuesday!
There have been 2 sneezes today in particular that have hurt and confused me. They hit about an hour ago. Let me set the scene for you.
Its a cold morning, cloudy. I’m sitting in my office chair. I’m chilly. So I’m wearing a hoodie, but no pants. Because fuck it. I feel the sneeze building in my nose and facial regions. I try to hold back. My eyes hurt. Much like trying to edge while watching a Betty White special, I fail at holding back and spray everywhere. Poor Betty.
The sneeze explodes from my face with the force of a horses kick to the taint and I’m convinced I have died. Or at least soiled myself. Still not sure on the latter, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t die.
I feel a pain spreading through my chest and into my arms. It feels like a million tiny daggers poking into me. My chest tightens, and I feel the pain spiderweb through me deeper, behind my nipples and down into my stomach. Ok. That makes sense. But the pain keeps going... through my shoulder. Into my biceps and into my elbows. Oh my god... that sneeze triggered my funny bones. In both arms!! What fresh hell is this?? Who have I wronged in a past life??
Suddenly a second sneeze hits, rocking my head back as if I were head banging at an Alanis Morissette concert. My face is numb, my nose is nowhere to be found. But the pain... We found that!
Similar to the sneeze before, it hurts like fire. I’m melting or burning, maybe freezing. Hell if I know. Why won’t my elbows stop hurting?
Wait... this pain is different. It’s going south. I feel it in my stomach now, then I feel my testicles shrivel. Don’t judge me! And then... the weirdest and most uncomfortable thing I have ever felt... my asshole starts to hurt. It’s burns like the fury of a thousand dying suns. Why is this happening to me? I’m a good person! I pay my taxes! I pet puppies! Sure, i peed in a girls mouth once when she was giving head, but I don’t deserve this!!
And then... the pain fades. And I’m left here wondering what just happened. Wondering why whatever happened has happened.
Somehow, my sneezes are linked to my funny bones and my anus. You learn something new every day?
Also still not sure I didn’t soil myself. And now I’m too afraid to check.