Laying here in the dark
Eyes swollen from lack of sleep and tears
A shiver runs over my body
The way this man still plays my head
Can get in and make me feel worthless
Strip me of the power and courage
Smash me under his boot.
I show him no weakness
Most times I pass it off and move on
Then the night comes
It takes a lot to quiet my mind on these days
Then my eyes grow heavy
My chaotic mind takes over
The dark reaches up grabs hold
Pulls me under fast.
Visions of my littles
Him holding them from me
Laughing as my sweet E cries for me
He refuses to let her come to me
He laughs and holds them in his grip
E cries harder and A holds on to her
Reminding her that i love her.
M hits and fights to get to me
I watch it all play out
Stuck unable to move
My feet cemented to the ground
I cant touch them
I cant comfort her
I cant breathe
He scoops them up and runs further away
I hear E screaming for me
Her cries growing faint
My world taken
A blow to the gut I cant breathe
His laugh still present
His beady eyes still seared in my mind
The look of satisfaction at my pain as he runs away.
I fall to the ground cant breathe
Cant stop my heart from racing
I hear the sweetest sound
"Mommy" and I bolt.up
Breathing rapidly I realize I am in bed
My son is talking in his sleep
If he hadn't said my name
How far would I have sunk.
I will be the good girl behind the wall
I will not let them see the anxiety
That is brewing for the next week to come
I will show no fear as I build this wall
Strong and mighty because behind it
The most precious gift waits
And it depends on me to keep them safe.
Next week my littles leave me for 4 extra days to be with their dad. I am freaking out. I want them to spend time with him and it gives me a break but the amount of threats hes given me about disappearing with them so he doesnt have to pay guts me as you can see. My little E is a mommas girl and has a hard enough time with one night. This is going to kill her. Her sister protects her and my M hes the fighter. Gonna be a long few days for us. Got my game face on and always the encouraging mom. There last 2 days home with me will be great!
