I find peace in writing. I find comfort in the release it gives me. The past 3 days I havent journaled like I do nightly, i stare at the blank screen thinking whats the point if no one reads it. I try to write a story or something and the words come out all jumbled or fade away halfway through.
I have figured out that when I dont write the nightmares come. I know it's the not being able to express myself and get it all out, but that's the stupid cycle. I need to write to feel calm, I cant express myself clearly, the ex triggers me , and then I'm blocked, and need to write even more.
My ex has a way of sensing when my life is off balance. It's his gift. He doesnt use it well. He takes the opportunity to normally say something negative and hurt me all over again. Why I still believe the crap that comes out of his mouth I will never know. Well this one was different. 5 words of concern sent me over the edge.
My dreams last night were flashbacks of the great moments. Where I mattered where our family mattered where I was blind and naive to the double life he lived. All these moments where I thought we had issues but were going to make it no matter what. Our sex life would come back, we would communicate better we would be on top of the world. (I'm a dreamer, now that I know the truth I see it never would have been that way.)
I think that's what hurts the most. Not the betrayal but the dreams I had and promises that were made were shattered. When the flashbacks stop I'm taken to the moment I found out. Walking up the hall seeing my step son start a fire and dropping to my knees. I dont know what words came out of my mouth but what i do remember is my step sons as his head fell and he said "my dads a fucking idiot"
So many things happened between that moment and him finally leaving 3 years worth of many things. Apparently my ex likes birthdays he stepped out on me the day my daughter was ripped from my body, he spend my other daughters birthday working late (not even working that day) my sons birthday in a hotel in the town we were living in. The best birthday was my step daughters that's the day I told him theres the door.
Sorry I know this is long but apparently a purge was needed. So I find people who can quiet his grip and the cycle stops I can write dreams are good ect. I was in a good place being without LL and then it happened my ex asked me if I made it home ok. My roomie picked up the kids last night. There was no need for him to message me. My roomie plays devil's advocate saying maybe he meant to.message A, I look at her like duh fucktard her name starts with A mine with J... theres a lot between her name and mine.
So here I sit an hour after I woke up because of the stupid dreams. Trying to figure out how to get out of my own way to write and a term used here before comes to my head emotional masochist... maybe that's me....
Sorry for this long post of babble but maybe putting it out there in the universe will give me some clarity. Maybe if I acknowledge these things they wi fade away.
Juat remember were not alone. Someone somewhere has traveled a similar road. Someone maybe behind us walking the same path. Love and support eachother, guide others home.
I will be the rock when you need me,
the light in the window,
the calm in the storm.
I will be quiet and listen,
I will ramble on when you need noise,
I will wrap my arms around you when you need to cry
I will stand strong next to you
Hold your hand
Remind you you are worth it
Light your way home
I will be your friend
Always yours j
