Respect is a two-way street
If I had to explain to someone who had no idea or concept of what the lifestyle was all about it would not be a quick 5 minute conversation. And, if I were to focus upon one key theme that cements the lifestyle it would be built around the concept of respect.
Sure, respect underpins vanilla connections and is a given in that world but the magnitude and quality of respect that is required in our world is simply no comparison.
As a Dom, respect is something that is at the core of my relationship with my sub: it creates certainty and reliability in the dynamic and within all interaction between us, whether as part of a conversation, exchange of views, inspections, scenes and tasks/challenges. In terms of developing my sub, I take great care to push boundaries and explore limits as part of a training regime that encompasses both her personal, professional and submissive growth and development. However, this cannot work without a healthy and continuing dose of respect.
An uncomfortable question (hopefully not!): in your dynamic with your sub, have you taken the time and effort firstly to really ask questions and explore issues around Likes/Dislikes/Maybes followed by further exploration around what will constitute a Hard and a Soft Limit within them? To do so shows, in my opinion, a good level of respect and immediately puts the relationship on a firm footing and brings some certainty into the dynamic.
The design, structure and enforcement of Rules and Routines are an essential part of the link between Dom and sub BUT this only works if both parties respect the views and desires of the other. The Dom should respect his sub by stretching and developing his sub, but not in such a way that they create a level of distress and anxiety that is destructive to the bond. The sub should then respect what has been agreed upon and mutually negotiated and follow them until any further changes are discussed and implemented. Riding roughshod over the feelings, desires and actual abilities of the sub at this point destroys any growing connection from the earliest stages.
A second uncomfortable question (hopefully not): how obedient is your sub? Putting aside the fact that brattish behaviour is part of a positive dynamic, and most subs will push back and test their Dom, a sub who is regularly and systematically disrespectful is showing clear signs of stress caused in large part by not being involved or consulted in the development of the relationship. Stress can come from lots of different sources including a sub pushing back because the Dom is not doing his job properly. Sort the obedience issues out carefully and systematically right now Doms
A final uncomfortable question (hopefully not): how is trust working in your relationship? Trust and respect are very closely connected in all relationships (the subject of a forthcoming Blog!): if you want exclusivity in your connection, is this guaranteed and delivered by what you are managing and controlling? Do you have any nagging doubts, areas of concern or friction in the dynamic? If so, respect has not been embedded from the start
Getting respect established and progressively built upon is, for me, the cornerstone of a positive, exciting and mutually satisfying Dom/sub relationship.
We should always remember that respect is hard to earn, essential to develop and very hard to regain once lost: do the decent thing and always have this front-and-centre in your approach to all things BDSM.
