Poems and more from the Heart, Soul, Mind and Spirit

Growing up watching Kung fu movies, I became very fascinated in the fighting styles. Idk ever remember trying to imitate the different fighting styles. But what intrigued me the most was the women.  How they were obedient and submissive to their husbands,undressing, bathing, whatever their needs were the women tended to them.

I always wanted to be submissive to whoever i was going to be with.  No matter what relationship I was in, i wasn't appreciate to the the point i wanted to continue to be submissive.  Even in my last relationship of 16 years.  I showed my submission right away, letting him know that i can tend to his needs no matter what or when.  Little did I know that I was submitting to a complete inconsiderate person who still wanted to sow his oats.  I kept trying and trying then once again I gave up, realizing he wasn't worth my time, energy, love or body anymore.

I came to the realization that the reason they didn't appreciate what was being offered is because I wasn't who they wanted.  It took me a long time to accept it.  It was a hit from reality I didn't expect, my eyes are open a little wider, maybe a little wiser ( key word maybe).  I may add to this one post later on in the day as I continue to think and come to the realizations of my life.  Believing what i may not have, I've had all along and didn't notice it due to my attention was somewhere else.

Today has been one of those days where I just wanted to call it quits.  First while crocheting, i started crying (yay me) why who the fuck knows (could have been because z's hamster died). I held it until z went out for another outing with her father. Then I just went in my room and just cried for a few minutes.   Then the constant thoughts of not being worthy or loveable kept entering my mind, how I need to figure out what to do to be happy without losing my shit today.   Then I received a phone call, they were so distraught, I couldn't believe what i was hearing.  I never heard him get like this not even when our mother and nana passed away.  This was a totally different hurt, soul level hurt. And all because of LIES!!!!! No one willing to admit the truth, like what the fuck is so hard about telling the truth?   On top of that my son is going on about LIES all day everyday for the past week or two. He asked me a question, I gave my honest answer and went on to tell him the outcome,and you know what was said? I DIDN'T ASK FOR ALL OF THAT, I JUST DON'T YOU. WTF!!!!! Then he goes into a rant about LIES! That I need to stop lying to myself. Wtf am I lying to myself about? I just ignored him after that. You know what, he does have a point about me lying to myself, not what he was considering in his mind (like who the fuck knows) Yeah, I lie to myself everyday, just to keep my mind in a good place a majority of the time. The lies I tell myself is to keep me from falling back into a dark place that I may never get out of again. I tell myself, today will be a good day, I'm glad to be alive, I am loved, I am worthy and all that positive shit I keep saying to stop my mind from going into a fucking whirlwind of doubt and regrets ( I'm not a person to have regrets, I consider them life lessons) self pity etc. so yeah i lie to myself about a lot of shit. Just not what he thinks i lie to myself about.  Maybe I should follow the crowd and lie my ass off, maybe I will have a better outlook on life. 

Yesterday, a good friend of mine (i call her ma <3), called me very upset about the week long visit that she had with her 40 something yr old daughter.

She was crying, her cleaned her apt without asking, went through her things to look for a bill and paid it without asking if there was anything she could do for her mother.  Unplugged her computer so she could plug hers in (so she could work from home) and now she couldn't get it to work and on top of that, she messed with a package that ma was preparing to mail out the next day.

I was able to calm her down, working through each situation step by step.  Her daughter used to live her with her, but when ma moved her daughter had to get her own place, or so we thought.  She vented a little while longer and I told her that her daughter was way out of line and disregarded any boundaries set. How could you go through your mother's drawers to look for a bill, just ask end of story.

Maybe a few hours later, my daughter came and said that someone was her to see me, i wasn't expecting anyone, and wasn't told her who it was either.  Turns out it was her daughter coming to pick up the baby blanket that i made.  We spoke for a bit about z and her sarcastic ways lol.  Now I thought, since she was here, she probably stopped by Lee's apt to get the blanket since he was supposed to have taken it to ma last month, and that's how she ended at my place. Now, do you think that was the end? nope. IT GETS BETTER

Ma calls me again later on that night highly pissed.  Her daughter shows up without the blanket and the medication. LIke wtf!!!!! So i gave her my take on what i thought was going to happen.  Wrong again smh.  So now I get more information of what is going on and I'm like enough is enough,this isn't right.  So my suggestions were......First, tell your daughter that no she can not live there if she loses her apt, you're 60 something and you have done all you could do for her.  Don't let her in when she rings the buzzer for you to let her in (found out neighbors let her in) SEE THE PATTERN? Secondly, as far as lee, let his ass go *FACE PALM* he doesn't appreciate what you're doing for him. You went and got him a new phone, you constantly calling to check to see if he's ok, how's he feeling etc.  I don't have the heart to tell her he's too busy chasing my ass.   I also told her, if someone knocks on your door and tells you they want to dick you down, LET THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN!!!!!!  Life is too short messing with his ass *FACE PALM* at least i made her laugh, but she understood it's the truth.  Don't even waste the time or money to come here to spend time with him if  all he is going to say is I DON'T KNOW HA HA.  I also, made it clear that her daughter is stuck in caregiver mode and that since she's living a life of celibacy she feels that ma should live the same way as well. FUCK THAT!!!!!! lol She was so fed up with her daughter that she opened the door in the nude lol GO MA!!!!

It was shown to me that my new path is in social work and no longer accounting. The one thing that bothers me the most is that, how can I advise someone on bettering their lives when I have trouble using that same advice for myself?  That would make me a hypocrite and that's not what I want to be.  Just because other people are fine with being hypocrites, I'm not.  Plus, I need to be careful for what i need clarity on in my life, I keep getting the same thing over and over again lol but in different different people.

Walking towards you

Licking my lips

Caramel

Chocolate

Whipped cream

Ice cream

You look so damn delicious

You're mine, all mine

No sharing allowed

Filling my mouth with all your goodness

I can't get enough

Not wasting a drop

I mount you as you lay there helpless

My tongue circling the cherries

Carefully placed on top

We're close to being finished

A delicious way to end the night

You lay there empty

Nothing more to give

Sit back and enjoy the ride

Looking for happiness

In all the wrong places

In all the wrong people

Looking for that special someone

To share precious moments

To share nights of love and passion

For a shoulder to cry on

A rock to lean upon

My love I am that someone

Wanting you

Waiting for you

Soon we'll be together

I stopped running

I'm standing still

For you my love to find me

Hold me, Love me forever

Up against the wall

You lift me up

Enter my soul

Orgasmic chills throughout my body

The beast in you appears

Taking me higher than ever before

Nails digging deeper with each forceful thrust

Making love in the wilderness

No one to see

No one to hear

Wanting, needing more of you

An addiction I refuse to give up

Fear

Takes its hold on me

I want to let it go

I need to let it go

Fear keeps me from being happy

Being loved

Being hopeful

Takes the place of my faith

I hold with tight grasp

Holding on to the one thing

I don't want to lose

Fear

Refuses to stay out of my mind

My heart

My soul

I pray for fear to go away

I pray for help to let it go

Fear

No longer has a home

It has been banished

It has been taken over by my faith

Which is stronger

My happiness has returned

I can be loved

I can be joyous

I can be me

Walking down a path of fragrant flowers welcoming me

Welcoming joy into my heart, my soul

Birds chirping, singing their song of love and happiness

Wishing my soulmate was here

Walking hand in hand

Sun shining, hidden by tall trees

Breeze touches my face

Reminding me of your touch, your kiss

The stone wall that has seen

Many stolen kisses and smiles

Hearing sounds of love and laughter

Against that wall kissing my neck

I wanting you

You wanting me

The path of flowers, love green and purple

Lay me down

No one to see

No one to hear

Fire within our hearts, our souls

We have shared our lives with others

No longer happy, they took our love

Giving nothing in return

Now we share our lives with one another

A desire so strong

An everlasting love that will never die

For Christmas in July, I would love it you would send me the person that I have given my heart to love and cherish.  To give my all to them,  to be there when they need someone the most.  Who will accept me for who I am and not willing to change me to their liking unless........

Waiting at the door when they arrive home,  i begin relieve the day's stress away.  Thrown onto the bed and restrained, kissing me all over my body with their soft hands caressing my curves.  whispering into my ear, I'll enjoy this more than you ever know. The anticipation of what's coming my way brings chills throughout my body.

Engraved wooden paddle, leaves beauty marks on my bodacious ass, not moving an inch, taunting with a smirk on my face, You hit like a bitch, fucking hit me!!!!!  MMMMM that's how I like it, thank you sir, may I have another, and another. When sir gets bored with the paddle, he brings out the steel flogger, yes please!!!!!!!! Waiting for the strike of the flogger excites me even more, pussy juices and sweat soaks the satin sheets.  No!!! Sir said, You're enjoying this too much,  I have the perfect thing for you. HIs fingers start playing with my clit, Oh shit, yes!!!!!  HmmmHmmm says sir, then all of a sudden his fist enters my pussy with full force, i start cumming and squirting, feels like it was going on for an eternity. SSSir, please!!!! I can't take anymore!!!! Your're done when I say your done!!!!! After tonight, you will think twice about taunting me!!!!!  His other fist enters my tight ass, FUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!  My body shaking uncontrollably from the intense orgasms of being double-fisted.  When sir decides when i had enough, he releases me and orders me to clean off both his hands and take his massive load in my mouth. Shoving his super hard cock down my throat, you better not gag!!! i drink every ounce, begging for more.

So Santa, this is my Christmas in July wish, you know if you do pull through, I gave Mrs. Claus of  few tips and toys to make you her bitch ;)