Today has been one of those days where I just wanted to call it quits. First while crocheting, i started crying (yay me) why who the fuck knows (could have been because z's hamster died). I held it until z went out for another outing with her father. Then I just went in my room and just cried for a few minutes. Then the constant thoughts of not being worthy or loveable kept entering my mind, how I need to figure out what to do to be happy without losing my shit today. Then I received a phone call, they were so distraught, I couldn't believe what i was hearing. I never heard him get like this not even when our mother and nana passed away. This was a totally different hurt, soul level hurt. And all because of LIES!!!!! No one willing to admit the truth, like what the fuck is so hard about telling the truth? On top of that my son is going on about LIES all day everyday for the past week or two. He asked me a question, I gave my honest answer and went on to tell him the outcome,and you know what was said? I DIDN'T ASK FOR ALL OF THAT, I JUST DON'T YOU. WTF!!!!! Then he goes into a rant about LIES! That I need to stop lying to myself. Wtf am I lying to myself about? I just ignored him after that. You know what, he does have a point about me lying to myself, not what he was considering in his mind (like who the fuck knows) Yeah, I lie to myself everyday, just to keep my mind in a good place a majority of the time. The lies I tell myself is to keep me from falling back into a dark place that I may never get out of again. I tell myself, today will be a good day, I'm glad to be alive, I am loved, I am worthy and all that positive shit I keep saying to stop my mind from going into a fucking whirlwind of doubt and regrets ( I'm not a person to have regrets, I consider them life lessons) self pity etc. so yeah i lie to myself about a lot of shit. Just not what he thinks i lie to myself about. Maybe I should follow the crowd and lie my ass off, maybe I will have a better outlook on life.