Poetry that i have written in the past and present. I'll also be adding short stories that I have written (stepping out of my comfort zone), my thoughts, desires, inspirations and the journey of healing on all aspects of my life. Enjoy and thank you for reading ((HUGS))
A friend of mine donated 2 boxes and a suitcase full of toys along with a giant ass kitchen lol. As I was going through everything, I noticed missing pieces, a broken toy here and there. It's when I came across a toy pony with its hind foot was chewed on to the point it wouldn't stand on its own.
It reminded me of how when I was younger, toys that were broken were.considered invaluable,no good, etc. Til this day i try to save every broken toy my daughter has. The one I tried to hold on to for the longest was Fancy Nancy, Z had took her leg (maybe the arm as well)off and was never able to be repaired. Even though her sister saw no value, I did. I saw that she could still be played with even though she was missing limbs. We are to quick to throw away things and people after their value and use have diminished. What hurts the most when humanity does this to one another, just because that person no longer has any value to you, does it mean to make them feel less than their true worth? The mental anguish goes beyond what we think we see. No matter who you are or where you're from, we are all valuable no matter how broken we are. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And you know what, that little toy pony has been washed it will be in Z's room tomorrow fitting in with all her other toys.
HE DOESN'T WANT YOU!!! HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU!!! WHERE IS HE? HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU!!!!YOU'RE NOTHING!!! NO TIME FOR YOU, HAVE TIME FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!!!!!
The voices won't stop
Unable to make them stop
Constant negative words
Feeling lost and hopeless
What have I done to deserve this?
All I have done is show and give love, I have nothing left
Emptiness is my life now
Unable to fill the void
Living a life unfulfilled
The voices are back
HE BELIEVES THE LIES WE TOLD HIM! WALKED AWAY LIKE ALL THE OTHERS! YOU'RE DESTINY IS FULFILLED ONCE AGAIN! (THAT'S NOT MY DESTINY)
Voices are laughing
SHE THINKS THEY'LL BE TOGETHER HA HA HA HA!!!!!! FACE IT! YOU'RE NO DIFFERENT FROM THE REST OF US
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! YOU'RE WRONG, I'M NOT LISTENING! GOD SAYS OTHERWISE
Laughter continues
SHE BELIEVES GOD WILL BRING THEM TOGETHER , SO NAIVE, SHE'LL NEVER LEARN, SHE'LL NEVER LET GO, HE SHOWED HER HIS HAND, SHE IS BLIND TO THE TRUTH. HE HAS PUSHED HER TO THE SIDE FOR OTHERS. HE WILL NEVER BE WITH HER! HA HA HA HA WE SHOULD KNOW! WE ARE THE WOMEN THAT REFUSE TO LET HIM GO, REFUSE TO ALLOW ANYONE ELSE TO HAVE HIM! HA HA HA
SEE HE HAS BLOCKED YOU OUT OF HIS LIFE FOREVER!!!!! UNDERSTAND????? THE TRUTH IS IN YOUR FACE!!! OPEN YOUR EYES!!!!
SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! *covers ears falls to knees*
WHY GOD WHY AM I BEING TORMENTED LIKE THIS??!!!???
All day today, I have been getting messages here and there. I had alot on my mind, trying to find clarity in a few situations. I guess God had to step in (I'm stubborn). Ive been listening to this song for over a yr i believe. The first line always hit me HARD. Like i was being slapped upside the head like when Gibbs smack Di nozo in NCIS. Subconsciously, I didn't want to hear a damn thing, Ive heard enough over the years. Well, today was unavoidable no matter what i did.
#1The first line of the song burn it down by linkin park was telling me i'm repeating the same thing my mother did and there is no way I should be in the same situation that she was. I feel I'm not in any situation like she was, I spent the past few years not to be like any of the messed up relatives on either side. Little did I know, and the more i thought about it, yes i am. Even though I over came the alcoholism (which i didn't know was hereditary). Ok. Now as far as my mother, I will sympathize in this one area and one area only. I get it now. She fell in love, had my brother a year after my sister was born. My stepdad worked on a ship ( I was told by both parties and found it to be true along with the fact that he was in the Vietnam War after he passed.) I don't know what type of relationship they had, but she waited and waited and waited for him to come back to her. During that time she was looking for love in all the wrong places and unfortunately was a major part of her passing at the age of 43. I remember him coming back every now and then, like years at a time. I remember seeing him when i was (16?) then showed up again when I had already moved out with my sons ('91). In between that time, she had met someone and had my youngest brother. Mr. Ed was a good man and really cared for her and all of us. I feel she sabatoged that relationship because she wanted to be with my oldest brother's father and she felt that there was still a chance. What i didnt know was that he had numerous women and other children. I believe he led her to believe that there was a chance for them to be together or he wasn't truly honest about what was going on with him. Hey, I could be wrong. Even though I'm pretty sure that's what it was.
#2 My aunt called to say HMD and to see how I'm doing. I congratulated on her wedding that's next month. Unfortunately, that has been postponed because of what, "lies, secrets" smh She told him upfront be honest with her, she's 70 and doesnt have time for the bs ( which i totally understand) Do men ever grow the fuck up and stop the bs? after listening to what he's been doing and saying, I agree with her to postpone the wedding until they get to know each other better/ she can get the answers she needs. I pray that whatever the outcome, it gives her peace. Honestly, i feel no one should have to leave this earth alone not being with the one they love/spend the rest of their lives with. It breaks my heart to know that she will may never have that chance to be with someone for her to love and vice versa ( She has never been married)
#3 oldest daughter calls, she's hysterically crying. Her boyfriend gets on her case because she has been quiet, hell she has that right. she also suffered a loss years ago and he knows this. While he's playing video games, she's cleaning, listening to music
etc. during the conversation i state that he's never going to change( acting like a child slamming doors and stomping his feet, putting her down) and she knows this ( there goes another smack upside the head) I can see my guardian angel arms crossed and tapping their foot lol. I just listened from that point on. I pray that she can get herself in a better position. dealing with that bs for 4 yrs, she deserves better. SHHHHHH don't even say it lol
It's like for some reason it's up to me to break this cycle/generational curse. Idk, i deserve to be happy with who I love just like everyone else. So why me? Maybe things would have been different if she just walked away, i feel she tried but it was too late.
Bottom line is I sympathize with my mom in this one area. Hopefully when he passed she saw him and kicked him in his mf ghostly balls. That would have been an hilarious sight to see. I can hear Michael say, He gonna learn today!!! lol lol lol I got my Mother's day laugh lol lol