Poems and more from the Heart, Soul, Mind and Spirit

The time has come for me to go

Wounds are deeper than I thought

Healing is out of the question

Moving on, not in the future

Stagnant, depressed, a lost soul

Desires unmet, heart unfulfilled, shattered

Should have stayed away when I walked away

Caused more heartbreak

Will never be free from the constant pull into their direction

unwanted and tossed aside

Fighting to stay awake

My eyes close not wanting to reopen

Being in a loveless life

Not being good enough

Slowly drifting away

Floating, feeling free, no longer bound

Finally feeling love, feeling wanted

Your arms wrapped around my body

Pulling me in to stay, turning around smiling

Removing your arms and continue to float away

Waving goodbye, to all the hurt, pain that has been endured for far too long

Free from your clutches, happy, pain free

My heart once again full of the love you stole

Lies that filled my heart, body, soul, spirit transmuting into the heavens

I am now the star I wished for as a child

Twinkling in the night sky, shining brightly

The one thing you couldn't take from me

No matter how hard you tried

Someone asked me, "what brings you to the cage"? Honestly, someone opened pandora's box and walked away.  I was left with a part of me i fully didn't understand.  A kind and blunt woman in one of my fb groups suggested fetlife as a starting point and if I needed any help just reach out to her and other advice I should have heeded at the time. Well needless to say, i spoke to a couple of people who were either discovering themselves (where I have met my ex sub and we're still friends) or have been in the LS for years (another lesson yrs of experience doesn't mean shit of you're a cocky asshole IJS.   I remembered someone mentioning the cage, so I decided to join, alot better than fetlife imho.  I have learned alot more here than anywhere and anyone else ( shit, I wish i knew about vetting along time ago).  I'm learning how to deal with all that my pandora's box contains and how to cope with it all.  I know what i need, not just what I want. I learning how to let my intuition guide me and not allow me to be suckered like before.  I was always a trusting person (a little to trusting).  I allowed myself to become vulnerable just to be thrown away like a broken toy. I know alot of you understand how that feels. You put your trust in someone, who promised not to hurt you like the others, you let your guard down and was fucked royally without any lube, and left in a pile of nothingness.  Trying to figure out how to put yourself back together. The old me (queentee) is gone and will never return. I'm  trying to put myself back together, even though there have been a few changes.  When i used to do readings, I always told the sitter(s) never go back to who/what broke you.  This holds true, at first I was going to leave then i thought, why should I because of one person?  That person no longer has any  power over me, love no longer exists (which was excruciating to do) and forgiveness given. For quite sometime I became bitter, which was definitely not me at all, that's when I realize a piece of me was taken without being offered.  Bitterness is gone. Today is a new day and i'm becoming stronger little by little each day.  One step at a time, one day at a time.

After working on this for a few weeks now, I just need to stain (use as a primer) before painting.  Thinking of painting them black with a  matte or satin finish. The inside the colors of a night sky with stars.  Maybe put my crystal collection in them.  I'm so happy to be back in my happy place :)

I have come along way since I have last written anything. I'm not into mind games and I'm sure as hell not going to waste anymore of my precious  time dealing with people who don't want to grow/mature/heal/become a better version of themselves.  If you think.im the same person I was months/years ago,You're wrong, again.

On one of my fb pages, a very interesting topic by a pastor came up. Myself and others were surprised this was even spoken by a clergyman.  

He brought up how lilith was demonized because of Adam's lie.  Then this came to me, Adam lied twice to God,  about Lilith and eve.  He was the cause of them being kicked out of eden. He had free will, he could have told.the truth in both instances, he could have not eaten the fruit. He could have said and done alot of things.  Instead he chose to lie, which in turn his son Cain became a liar. 

So, in turn when we as women don't believe a word that is said to us, just remember, we have our reasons. When the women before us say men aren't shit, I have a better understanding why. We have been lied on and lied to til this day.  Honesty is a two way street. Don't expect me to be honest/truthful/ not lie, when you can't do the same in return

I, myself try not.to have this mindset. It doesn't get me anywhere. I just now have a better understanding of how I need to.protect myself from those who do nothing but lie to get what they want.  I ignored my true spiritual team, My higher self, my intuition long enough.  I will always look for the good in a person, but I have to stop ignoring the red flags. 

I have been working on repurposing a nightstand. (I'm second guessing myself on what stain to use) I know, I know, I have enough on my plate. This helps me get out any anger I have towards others and their bs. I don't like being angry or holding the anger in.  I rather do this than take.the chance on hurting someone's feelings. (If they have any). Im doing a damn good job. 

You are waiting on man, who has turned back on you, while your heart is shut for someone, who would give all you ever wished for..and now ask, if this waiting is really worth it, sabotaging own happiness, when one, whom you wait isnt even thinking about you? One, that is on your mind, he is fully focused on physical world, enjoying life. He is focused on physical body, looks, sexual connection, working, having time with friends and simply enjoying life, and emotional connection/family and stuff in his life is somewhere down there, after all mentioned above, while you crave emotional affection, family and true commitment. One, who is on your mind, he might like you, but as much to have sex and nice time together, but not as deep to truly fall in love with you and be wanting to commit. He isnt right one for you, you arent right one for him. He will fall in love one day, with his right person. While you wait on him, live in delusion, that one day he will come to you and give all you ever wished for, every day, that it doesnt happen, you make step towards depression on own. You hurt self with expectations. You hurt self and self sabotage your life being attached to this man, dreaming of him and trying to manifest him into your life, while he has no intention to be in yours. For sex maybe, but nothing more. And you have set so high boundaries around your heart making your energy unapproachable for other men to reach out to you and offer something legit. Well, they might give hint, try, which is very unlikely, but you would anyways push them away as you wait on that one, who isnt willing to be there for you. So, why you so much chase someone, who doesnt show interest into committing to you and not give chance for self to be truly happy and be with someone, who would give you attention you deserve? Is that ego? I want him and I will get at any cost? Is it hard to accept, that you made wrong decision and fell for someone unavailable and truth would hurt too much? Is that thing, that you dont take "no" for answer and stubbornly think, that you can make other change their mind? Dont you think, love should be mutual? Love should just be there without challenges? Where both show interest? Where it just flows. Where it isnt made hard to be. Where two people simply commit, because it feels right? There is man, who wants to give you everything. He is emotionally open, romantic, wanting commitment and have actual energy of "prince on white horse". Question is, will you still wait on "that one" to reach out to you, or you will finally release that unhealthy attachement, heal and open your heart for true love. 

By She, who transforms

My granddaughter arrived into this world at 8:07 a.m.

A double blessing my daughter and granddaughter sharing a birthday. I'm blessed 😁

I had an interesting conversation with my surviving son. Having a couple of drinks, gh and good convo.  One topic I really couldn't speak on like I wanted to was  L, my ex. 

My son tells me that L still loves me and that he shouldn't be on the couch (uh fuck yeah the couch is fine).  He explained to me about his hurt, a hurt that I already knew about that he carried for years never healing and refusing to heal from it.  His idea of healing was to cut everyone off and leave (his choice)  But for me, I believe karma had a hand in him being hurt the way he was. My ex was a rolling stone/womanizer/fucked everything that he could. even cheated on his wife that gave him 3 beautiful children.   So now the most recent ex P had passed away and told him the news the hours after I found out ( it was after midnight and he was sleep) The reaction that I received when I told him was fucking unreal, he really didnt care, he brought up what happened and how that marriage ended.  What i didnt have the heart to tell him that was karma hitting him in the face.  What was done to him is what he has done to other women in his life. Well, then I continued on to tell him that his stepson and his daughter were looking for him (his daughter has been searching for a yr).   His stepson needed forms signed since L's name was still on P's accounts.  He really couldn't believe that his name were still on the accounts.  Well, trying to explain/give a reason why that is, he didnt want to hear it.  He ran into P a few years ago, she wanted to tell him something but he didnt want to hear it or look at her.  He just gave her a look and then she turned away(according to him).  Now he feels everyone is out to get him smh or they just want to see if he was still alive because both owners are now deceased. Which means everything in his name including the house is his. (please pack your bags) I know that was a bad thought but, I need a break from him for a little bit lol

A few hours later I told him that his first ex wife passed last year, he stopped dead in his tracks and kept it moving.  I only saw him cry one time during the 19 yrs Ive known him.  If I knew then what i know now, I would have told him to stay with his gf through her struggles until her passing. He's not the one to stay around when things to get too tough for him to handle and she really needed him to be there for her.  Years later he found out why she was doing the things she was doing  I guess he felt he should have stayed, but his running away instinct kicked in.

Ok, now back to my son telling me that i should give him another chance.  I gave him numerous chances, too many to count.  I'm all for giving someone a second,third, fourth chance, but when does it end?  It became more draining after awhile and nothing/no one  was changing but me.  Once he told me that he will help take care of Z as long as I slept with him. Really?????!!!! she's your daughter and fucking dare you use her to get pussy.  So yeah, no more chances for him.  L has told my kids so much shit about me to the point I'm the bad guy. I was the one that fucked up the relationship even though he told them about the women he was fucking behind my back. go figure. 

My take away from this conversation is that I'm always going to be the bad guy, who fucked up the relationship, that no matter how kind I am to him, I will always get fucked in the end.  I need to stop being so trusting, and believing there is good in people. I need to take off my rose colored glasses and see a person's truth