Poems and more from the Heart, Soul, Mind and Spirit

For a long time, I would tell others not to see their decisions not as regrets but as life lessons. But today I couldn't do that for myself. For the past hour, I was speaking with someone that became a good friend. I realized how I regretted not being able to give him what he was asking from me.  Don't get me wrong, I was more than willing and capable of giving him what he was asking from me.  I turned him down because I stupidly was waiting on someone else.  He then found a girlfriend, and decided to leave the lifestyle but wanted us to stay in contact.  Totally fine with me, which would be hard because we could never have a clean conversation lol.

Today, it totally hit me,REGRET  I don't know why it hit me now, i started tearing up.  I told him from the beginning my situation, I let him know that I want him to be happy and that his happiness is more important than my desires. So, why the tears?  I miss our moments together (even non sexual moments that didnt last long lol) I felt guilty for not being who he wanted me to be even though he understood what i was going through at the time. For awhile he even felt guilty, it took me sometime to get him to understand there was nothing to feel guilty about. And you know what he said, he felt guilty because in his heart he had hurt me because of the decision that he had made. That right there shocked me, I didnt expect that at all from him. Admittance of feeling guilty of hurting someone who he barely knows. We didnt know each other that long, but we connected on a different level from day one. He included me in his family, his life from the first day of meeting him.  He even showed me how to hold a rifle, along with his workshop, hunting gear etc.  He gave me what no one was willing to give,TIME. I didn't ask for anything from him but honesty. He gave more than what I was asking from him.  One thing for sure, he is truly blessed. He deserves all the happiness in the world. I'm glad he found it.

As for me, I will no longer see my decision of not being the girlfriend he wanted as a regret after today.  I will be the friend that he can talk/vent to, the friend that will talk him off that ledge of going in a different direction. A friend that will help him on those rough days of not being able to be himself 100%. In return, he's showing me that anything is possible this late in the game.

Sitting alone in her room, Q's mind begins to wander 

Did I make the right decision?

Was I foolish to walk away?

What now?

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, "Come in, she answered. Entering was her trusted and faithful advisor Mary.  As Mary wipes the tears away, she tells her, "My dear, don't fret, all will be well.

But Mary, she says as tears continue to fall from her swollen red eyes, "How"?!! No one wants to grow evolve with me! They don't want the love I have to offer!!! Look around, all complacent souls, who don't want any better for themselves, who don't want love only instant gratification.  I've been waiting and waiting for as long as I can remember.  "I took off my armor, laid down my swords, hid my crown", she said as she fell to her knees.  "I'm broken beyond repair, I cannot be fixed, I'm  unlovable by those I love.

"Shhh, no more tears my child", Mary whispers as she wipes away the tears on Q's face. Continue to have faith, trust that everything will come to fruition. You will be overjoyed and your soul will sing once again.  You have taken the most difficult step of surrendering. Now go out into the world and keep your head held high. Continue the work you were called to do.

Thank you Mary, she said. "I have one more question to ask if I may?"  "Yes you may", Mary answered in a gentle tone.  "How can I hide these?"

TO BE CONTINUED

It's a cold wintry day, Queen is standing with her feet in the ocean

She lowered her sword and shield, removed her armor and began walking into the ocean 

Her heart heavy, no longer the kind-hearted person she was born to be 

Feeling numbness within her soul, no life left

She takes a deep breath and walks into the frigid water

Going further, deeper in her new home

Feeling peace for just a moment

She's tired of holding it together

Being there for all who come across her path

Not being able to let go of control

Something she so desired

Giving love that has been thrown back

No more worries about letting go

Water is up to her neck

No fear, no love, no hope

Huge waves comes along and sweeps her away

No longer able to be seen

The sky becomes dark

Thunder booming throughout the land

Lightening brightening up the sky

Raindrops began to fall

The villagers looking up, amazed and saddened at the sight.

An angel appears carrying a lifeless body

The Gods and Heaven shedding tears for the loss of such a beautiful soul

Invited to live in a world full of promises turned into abandonment,neglect, lies, deceit

A world where true love left her for another

She could no longer live with the pain

Angels cry as they surround Samael as he carries Queen's lifeless body into the Heavens

Whispering no one will kill your soul ever again.

I had a cassette by Air supply. I don't remember the title of the cassette but I do remember the songs. I listened to those songs again and it really brought back memories of lost loves. 

Lost in love, every woman in the world, here I am and the one that you love, still hits home now as they did hs/college years.  I believed in love, that there is love all around us and for us.  I truly believed in love and how it can change a person for the better/the world could be a better place during the 80's and 90's and part of 2000's. Yeah i was definitely naive.

I had stopped listening to these songs because in reality and past relationships. I'm not what anyone wants/wanted.

For the past hour.or so,  two songs have been playing in my head. A third  came.out of nowhere.One I have been listening to  repeat either on Saturday orsunday.  At one point I was crying.for no particular reason as for myself. While listening to the song  I felt someone struggling to make sense of it.all.  The second gave me the feeling that we all will meet again someday. The third is self explanatory. Maybe after I relay these messages. There.will be peace within the lost souls, those who were left behind asking why. May God and his Angels continue to comfort and strengthen..

In a dimly lit room, Anastasia reminisces about the encounter that changed her life forever. The  stranger with an irish accent who made her his at the loading dock. She caresses her swollen clit, begins to finger her dripping wet pussy. Her craving for his cock is undeniable, the way her handled her, the energy that flowed through her body with every touch. There was something mysterious about him, a puzzle that needs to be solved.  She desperately needed to be set free, to release her from the chaos within.

When she was about to cum,a forceful hand stops her. Please!!!! I can't take it anymore!! While kissing her neck, she feel fingers going into her ass.  This touch is familiar, could it be "him"? she thought. I adore well behaved sluts, he whispered. She recognized the voice, she became wetter than before. The touch of his of hands caressing her body, tracing the curves of her hips, her lips, her breasts. She begins to moan softly. Anastasia hears that's a good slut, the sound of his voice makes her wetter than before.  Her heart beating faster, breathing, heavier.  The stranger stands behind her, softly kisses her neck, his hand makes its way to her dripping wet pussy.  Almost there, he whispered.  Please set me free!! she cried. Not yet, the fun is just about to begin, he said gruffly. Roughly bends her over,inserting 4 fingers in her ass. Fuck!!! she shouted. Don't worry baby, the three of us have plenty of time. Before she can ask any questions, she was gagged, legs spread open and tied to the bottom bed posts.  There was another hiding in the shadows watching, waiting, his cock hard looking at this helpless beauty. 

Daddy's going to take very good care of you, "yes daddy", she whispered, as she lifts her head and looks into his eyes.  Did I say to look at me!? No daddy!, I'm sorry daddy!  He begins to flog her numerous times on her ass and back. Yes daddy, thank you daddy, she moaned. Please give me more!  With each stroke she became wetter,the wetness dripping down her legs. I have a special gift for you, my beautiful slut. He smacks her ass numerous times, I love this big ass of yours.  He then enters her dripping wet pussy, she backs her ass as much as she can into his cock. No! the voice in the shadows whispered gruffly. The stranger turned around and smiled while entering Anastasia repeatedly, hearing her moan louder with each forceful thrust.  He then put a black hood over her head and rammed his cock down her throat making her gag. Mmmmmmmmm yes my slut!!!!! Gag!!! I want your spit all over my cock!!! He allows her to come up for air. Yes daddy, thank you daddy!!!!! He continues until he cums in her mouth, holding her head down making sure she swallowed every ounce. Ahhhh yes, you're a good slut, you're my slut and that pussy belongs to me!!!! Looking towards the man in the shadows smiling, mouthing she's mine.

Serenity prayer runesh

1. Healing runestriquetra with my daughter's name in norse

About 45 min ago my granddaughter entered this world. I'm so happy and blessed to be able.to feel joy instead of pain 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

For years, I have been able.to bounce back from hurt, traumatic experiences, possessions (psychic/spiritual attacks). 

But for.the fucking life of me, I cannot bounce back.this time.  I have let go, grieved, gave it.to a higher power etc. I.just cannot overcome this obstacle in my life.

I've accepted what is, had self hatred towards myself and forgave myself for the decisions I have made and forgave the person for their actions/inactions, closed off my heart and kept the love I was.giving to myself.  Which in turn fucks the other people in my life.

I have become my mother, the love of her life strung her along for over 20 years. Promising to be with her etc etc etc. And you know.what that did.to her? She went into a frenzy of looking for the same love she was giving to be returned in numerous men. Unfortunately, it led.to her demise. I may never know.the full story but from hearing the.convos in the spirit realm, she was really.fucking hurt. The same way I feel now,  I haven't felt this much anger.towards a person in a long time. I don't want to hold grudges, it does nothing for me but add more hurt and pain. 

So now. I'm repeating the same cycle of looking to have that same love I gave returned. Both in the aspect of the bdsm lifestyle and vanilla combined. I was rejected in both and that really fucked my head up. Do you know how hard it is to be a female.switch with strong masculine energy/tendacies?  How I'm tired.of being in charge, taking the lead, and keeping it together?  Been in charge being the "man" of.the house since I was a kid. The only times im able to be a woman is dealing with that bitch mother nature and having kids.  All I ever needed was someone to allow me.to.let.go, giving them permission to take.over, even if.it's just for an hour or.two.

I've learned through numerous sites, fb etc that.doms feel intimidated by female switches. One person told me.the other day. That I will dom.them at.the drop.of a hat. Not true, if.im giving you.control, why would I? 

So you see, being rejected in both lifestyles fucks a.person's head up big time.  So before.any.doms.wave off female.switches, just conversate with us.first before judging. We may just surprise you

Sitting here watching big city greens with z before her bus arrive for school.  A few minutes ago I noticed there was a huge change within myself and not a good one.  I don't feel compassionate, understanding and caring anymore. Which is unlike me and I feel worse than ever.  Im wondering was I hurt so deeply that it affected me in such a way that I now feel like this?  I've been hurt before, I overcame alot.of shit but this is different, very different.  I lost a major part of me, I worked hard (maybe not hard enough) not to let anger, depression, regret, asking why, and deep rooted hurt take over.  I've been through the process of letting go, understanding that it wasn't meant to be, forgiveness, and I have been released from a promise (s) that I made. I may never find out why and that's ok.  I have to continue on forgiving myself for allowing things to go as far as they did.  I have to learn to stop self hating and self blaming which isn't going to be easy but I feel I can achieve that goal.

Bus wil be here in a few. Have a good day everyone 😊 ((HUGS))