Poems and more from the Heart, Soul, Mind and Spirit

I would like to share my journey of healing(trauma), recovery(alcoholism) and learning how to trust again ( especially men). idk how old I was but i remember being held by my feet and my cousin banging my head against the metal strip of the step leading to the den ( i still have the scar right between my eyes) I've been molested numerous times while i was young ( around 8/9 yrs old).  I remember who they were, sad how i can only remember those moments overshadowed the a majority of my elementary school years.  We have moved around a few times, nothing really felt like home to me except for when I visited my aunt in NJ. She lived in the country part of a town called chiselhurst, I miss sitting outside looking at the stars, i felt at peace. I felt the same when we moved to tennessee. I liked this cute boy next door( yes blond with blue eyes which are  my fucking weakness) we couldn't understand why his father didn't like us together until i got older(according to my family, black and white don't mix).  mY mom and aunt opened a restaurant and I learned how to play pool, we lived in 2 shitty places until my mom found a townhouse.  Later on she  abandoned us and i took care of my siblings with hardly any food in the house. But wait there's more!!!! She came back a few days  later and got us and off to ny we went.  Got in trouble because a boy asked me to pull my pants down, so i did. oh well i was about 13.  The molestations began (14) when her bf would come to me after being with her, i rigged the door so it would wake her up and he would run off but neither one happened, well at least she was able to get a few extra pounds of meat.  Since then I have been suicidal and not knowing what to do or how to handle anything.  When I thought the nightmare was over, I was wrong. I wasn't allowed to do anything or go anywhere i was always taking care of my siblings.  In high school( after a very traumatic experience) i would drink calvin's coolers and visit my grandmother (who I was told was dead)  I was self destructing and didn't know it.  I tried to have my own babysitting business, learned how to become an entrepreneur with the help of a wonderful teacher/mentor. I purchased my own HS ring. There were positives negatives of HS years, Im blessed to have my 2 besties in my life til this day.  Then the unthinkable happened again, and again and again. All because my mother told my uncle that I was in love with him. So that's where the mistrust in men really hit, when you can't trust a relative life has really ended.   That continued on for years became pregnant and the baby boy died.  I finally went to therapy about 3 yrs ago, too many suicide attempts/thoughts, being abandoned, rejected,cheated on, trauma after trauma, I finally had a mental breakdown I went through the cbt(cognitive behavioral therapy) program which helped alot. Helped me understand that alot of shit that happened in my life isn't my fault. I was accepting the blame for other's behaviors towards me. Blaming myself for all that has happened to me. Even with my son passing last year, I took that shit hard. I kept blaming myself for not seeing the signs, not being there for him more often etc. I know my angel babies are playing with their big/little brother right now and that makes me smile and cry. As far as trusting men, I'm getting there. I have an unorthodox way trusting men again, but, so far so good.  One day I'll take one of these events and delve deeper into it.  I'm a little happier because of where I am, how far I have come and I still have a long way to go.  It's been a year since my last suicidal thought.  As long as I know z would go into a state funded home for the rest of her life, I will do whatever it takes to stay alive no matter what breaks me down.

I love all genres of music, including music from other countries. When I come across a.song that gives me chills, it's a sign.to.keep looking for more.  I may not understand the words, but I do understand the feeling I receive. 

What's a challenge without music?

I was considered the black sheep of the family. I didnt pay attention to the stories of the past because that was the past.  I listened to heavy metal and dressed differently from everyone else. In high school I dressed professionally a majority of the time, dress pants, blouse, flats etc.  I really didn't hang out or have many true friends. My mom had me busy playing mommy to my siblings, so I had to quit the volleyball team  ( i was really fucking good).   I've dated people of other nationalities/races that I had a connection with and not whom my family wanted me to date.  At one point I told my mom that I'm a lesbian, that didnt go too well. She didnt say a word, it was like I wasn't suppose to be who I needed to be.  That's when i realized i had to live a lie for a long time.  But it was a problem while living that lie I became pregnant( which i was told I couldn't have any) so my twins were a blessing and bi racial( i went on to give birth to four more beautiful children 😄  This is the bullshit of the century, I was given hell for dating and having children outside my race. But the one child that wasn't biracial was given more attention and praise than my other children. My family didnt care of he was an alcoholic, didn't have a job, and totally irresponsible. They were just happy that he is within my race smh. Racism within my family will have to be a blog by itself.

I have always had a thing for men's suits.  There were times I wore my uncle's dress shirts and ties (maybe the jacket depending on how i felt).  My favorite was his dark mustard shirt and i think I wore a black tie with it.  Then I stopped wearing them, I felt uncomfortable when i stepped into class ( i attended Drake business school). I was never one to care what anyone thought or said i just didnt give a fuck.  This was different, like I wasn't supposed to be that free with myself.  Being told because i had breasts and a vagina  that made me a woman, I didnt feel like one and I really never did. I became what others wanted me to be (especially family)

I felt sexy, powerful and of course dirty thoughts ran through my mind.  The things I would like to do with those ties.

Today, i was thinking about how I saw myself, how did i feel in my own skin.  I didnt feel comfortable at all and still don't no matter what i do.  It's like I have to "play" the role that I'm supposed to because I have children.  I'm not totally free to be who i need to be, to let that person out completely.  I don't feel I'm halfway there.  I just want to be able to be fully free to be myself. Even though I have the body of a female, i really don't feel like one.  I feel my masculine traits are stronger than my feminine traits.  I've always told my children to be free to be themselves no matter what anyone thinks or says.  Good advice to give now if only I can accept it for myself.

I channeled my inner janet, boy this is going to be a long day ?

The first one gave me a scary, well beautiful thought of an uprising. Yeah, starting a revolution, I can see.it now ???

OMG!!! This challenge has brought back.so many good memories.for me.  I love to dance ?.  I never went to dance classes.or dance school. I just let the beat/rhythm of the music take.over. 

My main is the reason why I won a dance contest with someone special in my freshman year of college. We had just met and we were so in sync dancing with each other for the first time. If I ever find the picture that was printed in the campus newspaper, I'll post it.

How it all started

The following are the ones my children and I would copy the choreography.  We had so much fun. today I might throw out a hip lol

Music and dance are life

The feminine cannot, will not surrender 

To the wounded masculine ...

A man who criticizes her

Belittles 

Dishonours 

Controls

Manipulates 

Abuses 

Or attacks her 

Her own inner masculine will not allow it 

He will rise fiercely to the forefront 

To stand guard 

To do the job himself

The feminine can and will only surrender 

To the divine masculine ...

A man who is devoted to her 

Elevates 

Honours 

Cherishes

Supports 

And protects her

A man with boundaries

Presence 

Direction

Integrity 

Accountability

And humility

In this space 

She will feel him penetrating her very essence...

Her body 

Her mind

Her heart

Her soul

And she will feel safe ...

Safe enough to surrender 

This is the natural law 

This is the dance of healed polarities

This is surrender ...

To love

~ Karen Star ?

Art by @robynchanceart