Poems and more from the Heart, Soul, Mind and Spirit

My poly dynamic consists of 3 other people besides myself.  I take my relationships very seriously, more than one person can and will be affected by the decisions that I (or others) make.   Like with all relationships, honesty, trust, integrity, boundaries etc should be a major part as well as being able to spend time with those who need you on all aspects not just sexually.  For me, it's not about sex, for some sex can be intimate part of the relationship. Connection and respect should be included as well.  There is no jealousy, I will not tolerate it whatsoever.  There is no searching of anyone's phone, tracking their texts or emails (yes, there is an app for that) We all have lives before we have met each other and we continue to do so within the dynamic.  BUT,when someone needs me, I will be there for them. No matter what the issue is. There are times I won't be able to be for them physically/sexually, there are other aspects that are more important. I will keep in contact to see how was their day, were they able to relax etc. There is too much bullshit in the world that takes a toll on the mental aspect of a person. Calling me to vent, get a better perspective or whatever is on their mind helps alot.

That's why I my screen name was given to me.  A queen takes care of those that are under her care in her kingdom (imho)*note the word care instead of rule*

also, BRAVING should be a part of our lives on a daily basis no matter what label we have given ourselves

BOUNDARIES

RELIABILITY

ACCOUNTABILITY

VAULT

INTEGRITY

NON JUDGEMENT

GERNEROSITY

if you have a different outlook, feel free to share.

I would like to thank everyone for their support and reaching out after my heartbreaking post.  I ended up hiding the post because i felt that it was going to turn into a heated argument and that's not what i wanted for anyone.

Then i realized, why hide, why run?  That's all I have been doing for the past few years even though running was the best for me to do at the time.  I'm not the type of person to cut people out of my life ( i even hated to do this to 2 of my brothers). I'm just tired of being such a kind, trusting and giving person just to be taken advantage for a person's personal needs and nothing more.  

It's fucked up that anyone going through some shit by the hands of another,  be made to feel worse is even more fucked up.  I pay attention and I learn along the way.  There are things i have learned now that i wish i knew beforehand.   We all are going through something no matter the severity, we should be there for one another here more than ever. 

One thing i have definitely learned is that an easily triggered person, will project onto others in one form or another.  I refuse to allow that energy here when I have enough of that at home.  I will speak my truth, if you like it fine, if you don't fine.  Alot of us have been/ or is in the same damn boat.

The second thing i have learned (and this doesn't apply to everyone but if it offends you, you better take a deeper look within)  In my honest opinion, a dom (could also apply to a sub/ slave etc as well) is a person who is not only attentive to those who gave up their entire being to them, but to show them that same respect and care in return.    I don't care about experience, it doesn't mean shit to me.  What is important is the person, their heart, soul, and how they treat others outside of the community.

Lastly, vetting.  I believe this could have saved me from numerous depressive episodes and self hatred.

Thank you again to those who reached out, giving me hope and strength to stay and keep moving forward.  sending you all love and ((HUGS))

I HATE MYSELF FOR  BELIEVING THE LIES

I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT STAYING AWAY

I HATE MYSELF GETTING MY HOPES UP

I HATE MYSELF FOR WASTING PRECIOUS TIME

I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT KNOWING BETTER

I HATE MYSELF FOR SHOWING MY SOUL

I HATE MYSELF FOR WALKING THROUGH THE DOOR

I HATE MYSELF FOR LETTING OUT THE BEAST WITHIN

I HATE MYSELF FOR ALLOWING THE HURT AND PAIN TO OVERTAKE ME

I HATE MYSELF FOR ALLOWING ANGER IN MY HEART AND SOUL

I HATE MYSELF FOR LOVE TO BREAK DOWN THE WALL THAT WAS BUILT

I HATE MYSELF FOR BELIEVING IN BEING SET FREE

I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING INCAPABLE OF HATING OTHERS

I HATE MYSELF FOR BECOMING SOMEONE DIFFERENT

TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM THE LIES, HURT, DECEIT

I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT SEEING THIS SHIT SOONER

I HATE MYSELF FOR WORDS UNSAID

I HATE MYSELF FOR SEEING THE BEST IN PEOPLE

I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING TRUSTING, GIVING TO THOSE WHO DON'T DESERVE IT

I HATE FOR ALLOWING DEPRESSION TO TAKE OVER

I REALLY FUCKING HATE MYSELF

I stand before you a broken woman

A woman who has been hurt, lied to, lied about, put down and let down

A woman who has dreams and aspirations like everyone else

A woman looking for peace within herself

Her surroundings

Falling in love with all the wrong people

Loving herself is not enough

Her desire to love and be loved has faded

Her dreams shattered

Her life in shambles

Wondering if she'll be able to pick up the pieces once again

Heartache, heartbreak is all the same

Standing before you a woman wanting to leave the world without a purpose

Leaving those with no soul behind

Leaving those who hold her back

Unable to break free

Standing before you a woman

Wanting to be free

Needing to be free

Waiting for the Universe to do her magic

Sending the love she so desires

Bringing freedom and happiness she so deserves

Waiting for peace to finally return

In her heart, her soul, her world

Standing before you a broken woman

A healing woman

A woman whose dreams although have been shattered, still standing, still fighting

I don't know much about joseph other than he was around when i was younger, I know this by seeing him in pictures when i was little ( about 2 yrs old was the last pic i have seen him in) I don't remember him after that.  When I was older and did see him, my mother told me his name is Joe.

Little did I know, that he was my father, I wondered why my mother kept him away/ why he left/why she left.  From my understanding he was an alcoholic, he caused my mom to have a miscarriage.( I'm a rainbow baby)  The only family member i knew, met and had a relationship with on his side of the family was my grandmother and til this day my aunt.

I never really got to see him as I became older. The last time I remember seeing him is when he came to visit while i was living in the bronx, I was 18 at the time.  When he finally arrived, he was cut and bloodied (found out later that he was drunk).  My mother took him into the bathroom to clean him up, I went to check to see if he was alright, he looked up and said I'm sorry then my mother closed the door. I didn't see him again until he was in harlem hospital in a coma.  Seeing him laying in that hospital bed hooked up to machines asking him to wake up. I don't remember how long after my visit, he died.  I don't recall if my mother showed any type of sympathy at all.  What I do remember is that i met my brother, a brother I never knew about and about to start my freshman year of college.

Over the years, I found out little bits and pieces about my dad.  He was a writer and had written stories. I was given one of his books to finish. I tried for a majority part of my life trying to finish it even though I couldn't wrap my head around what was i suppose to do with so much of the pages missing.  He let me know it was ok, and I threw the book away. I feel he became more at peace, but hey I could be wrong. Since his death, this song would play and  I would break down.  The past couple of times I have heard this song, I felt at peace.  I know he checks on me from time to time, trying to give me fatherly advice. I miss him more than I miss my mother.  I know he's proud of me no matter what I have done/accomplished.  

ENJOY IT TO FULLEST ?????????

Lately, i have had a lot on my mind between my son, my 21 yr old daughter L, z my  youngest and the life im trying to have for myself. 

I was thinking about leaving the LS because I know I cannot fully be who I need.to be in that aspect. Going back to living my "rocky road" life.  I've been asking.for guidance, meditating, and my favorite overthinking.   Then I just let.go, I let all the feelings.and thoughts go, it was really weighing heavy.

Then the signs started to appear little by little, one at a time. There was too much for me.to sort out on my own.  First for z, worries about her going for another eeg and how she is NOT going to allow.the nurses to apply the leads. Her father wants to hold her down, nope, not happening.  She is going to be admitted so she can be sedated, hopefully this way it won't be too traumatizing.  Then L, who is going to be a new mother, I was worried, but I see things are.going to be ok. She has the support.of us all. 

As for my son, there is a lot.of healing that needs.to be done. One day at a time. Along his journey, of self discovery, becoming humbled, and learning that it's ok to fall as long as.you get back up ( I know, I know, that was.for me.as.well). He finally asked.me.to.give him a reading. He has been doing the online readings and needed.another perspective. As I was.giving him his reading, michael.comes through (I havent done mediumship.in years and shut down that gift).  Very emotional for.us both. Well, the next day.the unexpected happened, Anthony asked me do I realize how dope i.am? I said no,  he said I should because i have a connection that i should be proud of having(i just smiled.amd walked.away) of he only knew.the half.of it lol

As.for me living the LS the way it's meant for me. Im still.have a lot of thinking.to do.and decisions to.make. One thing for sure is that this is not going to be what at all I expect. 

((HUGS)) and love to.you all ????????