I was considered the black sheep of the family. I didnt pay attention to the stories of the past because that was the past. I listened to heavy metal and dressed differently from everyone else. In high school I dressed professionally a majority of the time, dress pants, blouse, flats etc. I really didn't hang out or have many true friends. My mom had me busy playing mommy to my siblings, so I had to quit the volleyball team ( i was really fucking good). I've dated people of other nationalities/races that I had a connection with and not whom my family wanted me to date. At one point I told my mom that I'm a lesbian, that didnt go too well. She didnt say a word, it was like I wasn't suppose to be who I needed to be. That's when i realized i had to live a lie for a long time. But it was a problem while living that lie I became pregnant( which i was told I couldn't have any) so my twins were a blessing and bi racial( i went on to give birth to four more beautiful children :) This is the bullshit of the century, I was given hell for dating and having children outside my race. But the one child that wasn't biracial was given more attention and praise than my other children. My family didnt care of he was an alcoholic, didn't have a job, and totally irresponsible. They were just happy that he is within my race smh. Racism within my family will have to be a blog by itself.
I have always had a thing for men's suits. There were times I wore my uncle's dress shirts and ties (maybe the jacket depending on how i felt). My favorite was his dark mustard shirt and i think I wore a black tie with it. Then I stopped wearing them, I felt uncomfortable when i stepped into class ( i attended Drake business school). I was never one to care what anyone thought or said i just didnt give a fuck. This was different, like I wasn't supposed to be that free with myself. Being told because i had breasts and a vagina that made me a woman, I didnt feel like one and I really never did. I became what others wanted me to be (especially family)
I felt sexy, powerful and of course dirty thoughts ran through my mind. The things I would like to do with those ties.
Today, i was thinking about how I saw myself, how did i feel in my own skin. I didnt feel comfortable at all and still don't no matter what i do. It's like I have to "play" the role that I'm supposed to because I have children. I'm not totally free to be who i need to be, to let that person out completely. I don't feel I'm halfway there. I just want to be able to be fully free to be myself. Even though I have the body of a female, i really don't feel like one. I feel my masculine traits are stronger than my feminine traits. I've always told my children to be free to be themselves no matter what anyone thinks or says. Good advice to give now if only I can accept it for myself.
