Today was extra hard. My children are in their early teens. My ex is a classic manipulative jerk. But I have recently made a decision solely for my children ans the needs they have expressed.
1. They need more help in school, with emotional and.academic issues.
2. They want to be closer to their family and brothers
3. They want to go to a smaller school
4. They desire the ability to try being at dad's because they think that having someone there everyday after-school is something they need
I have a lot going on... for them and for myself. I work 7 days a week. Two jobs, one full time ans one part time. I am also a full time online college student... this basically means. My children have household.responsibilities they would not when at his home. (This is a very heteronormative household. He works, she stays home. Dinner on the table that is home made very day. Home after school for thw kids with cookies.) Would I love to do this-- YES. Is that in my ability to provide right now--NO. Does that make my household "worse"-- NO.
It took soooo much for me.to examine my hurt feelings at them expressing this desire. But I have figured a few things out in my depression this week.
1. My children may resent how I am raising them, but I know I am preparing them to know how to handle themselves in the future. If I do not allow this opportunity to see the grass is just different they may resent me for it. I want to protect them but this may be something I really can't protect them from.
2. I know that their father is telling them some falsehoods: no bullying at my school, no standard grading they take into account your effort?!, and they don't have groups or clicks of people everyone is just is nice to everyone.... these are normal things in high school so I doubt these are true.
3. I have raised my children in such a way they feel SAFE enough to be honest and forthcoming with what they want and how they feel. (Breaking patterns from.how I was raised)
4. Them wanting to spend their time there doesn't come from a desire to leave me, but from their natural state as teenagers to self identify.
So how can I live with letting them go?
I set terms. They have to get .2% higher GPA at the new school, he has to take them to therapy twice a month. He has to visit his mother (I was taking them... we won't get into that). And I get them two days a week. And if at any point they don't meet these or thw children desire they can come back.
My heart feels so broken right now... I feel empty and I find myself not even knowing what to do with myself... but this will be good. And teaching them lessons like this are good for their development... and I'm trying to remain positive... it is not about me... they want time I don't have to give ans that doesn't make me a bad parent... but it doesn't fulfill a need they are expressing so maybe allowing this will be good for them...
Just thinking out loud... please feel free to respond.
And on a kinky note: tell me why this whole situation has me ITCHING for a black and blue beating??!?!
