The cradle of wisdom

So this blog isn't going to be about anything special. It isn't going to cover anything I find philosophically interesting, or talk about any book.
I just want this blog entry to be a bit about me, and what I have been up to.

In Denmark, students gets paid to study. It isn't a huge sum, and you do have to either work a bit or take a loan to make it viable in the long term, but it can work out. The reason why I tell you this, is because I am an "old" student. I am fully aware that being 29, and soon to be 30, isn't really old if you asked, let's say, an 80 year old, but in our education system I am considered old. I only have one option to complete the education I need, in order to unlock the paths for higher education, and that is taking single subjects until I have what is required to go further.

The reason why I haven't gotten the education I need in order to go further, and get a higher education, started a while ago. When I was 20, I was hit by mental illness. It had been looming from my early childhood, but It quite literally broke me at 20. Back then I was still considered young by our education system, and so I was going about my education like any other regular student. I had picked a school that suited my interests, and I had finished 2 and a half years of a 3 year long education when it happened. I had to quit school, and I had no idea what was wrong with me.

What followed was a mix of trying to get back into, and finishing, my education and trying out new stuff. I got back into the same education tree in a different school and class, and I could even jump back into the start of year 3. I ended up dropping out after 3 months, the exact same thing happening to me again. I have several failed attempts like that. In the beginning I refused help, believing I could either get out of it myself, or that I was just tired and needed a break. When I finally did accept help, I was still being stubborn and refused to try most medication. Later when I did accept mediation, I got no positive benefits from them whatsoever, and ended up dropping them one by one. At the present day, I simply have some pills that make my brain feel like mush, and that helps me fall asleep.

The reason why I've just laid out my mental situation for you, is because I went out drinking with a friend yesterday.

My friend isn't a stranger to mental illness, but he managed to not only finish his education, he went for a higher education too, finished that and now has a well paying job. He is the same age as me. Without even mentioning an inferiority complex, I can safely say that I felt almost like a ghost from his past. A whisper that somehow got stuck and took 10 years to reach his ears. I enjoyed his company, and I hope he enjoyed mine, but I kept wondering how my life would have turned out if I had the "strength" to overcome my illness on my own. It's hard to control simple thoughts like that, even though I've learned how silly it is to try and fight mental illness on your own, it still pops up in my head to torment me.

We ended up talking about a wide variety of subjects, ranging from mathematics and chemistry, to a more philosophical approach to death and life. It was then I found out that his mother had died. But his mother hadn't died in a natural way. She wasn't taken while battling a disease like cancer or anything like that either. She had committed suicide.

The thought isn't foreign to me, and I admit not even a single day pass by where I don't think about ending it all. It has grown to the point where, when I look at people, I wonder why they themselves haven't committed suicide yet. A very grim and troubling outlook on life, I know. To me, it helps to know that I want to live. And I try to remind myself that I want to live whenever I have these thoughts. But the thoughts are constant and like flies. You can easily bat them away with a flick of the wrist in the form of concentrated focus, but all that does for you is that they circle around you a bit before they land again. Sooner or later, you get too tired to try and bat them away, and the flies just stay on you.

When I thought about how his mother must've gone through the same as I have, how she must've felt the pain of living, and the feeling of something being wrong with you, I felt incredibly sorry for my friend.

I got him to open up about it, and he said that he was surprised she would do such a selfish thing. He said that he thought she had grown lonely because her children grew up and moved out. How they stopped writing, calling or communicating. That they weren't around, and that she couldn't handle it. This was a few months before corona broke out, and my friend had a sad laugh about how, if she had still been alive when it broke out, his entire family would have "gotten closer" in order to make sure everyone was alright. He said that, even though it might've seemed like she couldn't do anything or be happy, there was something that could've changed all that right around the corner.

But she killed herself, and that meant she cut herself off from everything. Even the very solution, right around the corner, that she couldn't see.

My friend said that what she did was incredibly selfish to her children. He said she never reached out, and that she was selfish for never trying, since he would've helped if she had asked. He said parents aren't supposed to watch their children die, but that the children hate seeing their parents die just as much. He seemed to have taken a hard stance between accepting she committed suicide, and not accepting that there's ever a good reason to commit suicide. My friend also revealed how he has been taking sick leave for a while, in order to figure out his life, and maybe take a break. I personally hope that this isn't the signs of a breakdown, like the one I had at 20, and that he really will be able to get better. On the bright side, he seems to engage with people, so that's a good thing.

So, if you're ever struggling with mental illnesses and thoughts of suicide, remember that your loved ones want to help and will be incredibly sad if you killed yourself without reaching out to them. Remember that even though everything can feel like it won't ever change, something might happen that'll completely change everything for you, and make life worth living.

Thanks for reading so far. Hope it wasn't too long or too dark.