So I'm back. The same but different or maybe rather evolved.
I learned a lot about myself in this albeit wild goose chase of a hiatus.
Short version is that I am not so simply a submissive. Not saying submission is simple, far be it. I have a greater appreciation for those who can utterly do so. I have discovered I am not so.
The want and desire to find one I can is still there but the need for it has become jaded. Jaded to the point that any appearance of one who thinks they can brings out a primal response of but do they dare? So submissive has come off my list of titles for now.
I love pain, ache for it really. I can taste in in my dreams and cry tears of frustration at its absence. Yet again when one attempts my mind warps into inflicting the same toward them. Not for pleasure but again for the jaded purpose of answering their unintended dare. Yet another title off the list.
Oh, the ever loving switch, if only I could in earnest grab hold. Again, not making light of those who can and choose to, but another title that requires that in the moment that a position be held to. In the past I would say bottom do what they will but now it's the fight I crave. I want to fight and win..but not because the other says it's okay.
If you made it this far, please understand I really dont give a fig about titles or roles. Yes, it makes thing easier for some when introducing oneself to cut to the chase a bit. Beyond that maybe to many assumptions are being made based on a one word title.
Does it matter if I tell you I'm submissive but will call you on your bullshit and can and will put you in your place?
Does it matter if I'm a masochist that fantasies hurting you in the most delicious ways?
Does it matter if what title I was suddenly isn't the perfect package you believe that title to be?
Titles dont fit me right now and I'm okay with that. I know and can appreciate that I am evolving into something quite different than what I believed myself to be. What that is...that is the question. It's dark and primal at the moment and hungry. But what does one feed a being with no name?
Time will tell.
