Creative outlet as a Sub

Tradesman​(dom male){LilmissB} - This has me worried on so many different levels. Everyone has a limit. If you don’t believe me, the next person who says that ask them if they’re alright with degloving a finger. I’m only half joking.

On a more serious note, he may be as nice as honey, the minute he “expects” you to trust him the moment you see him and have no limits because “I don’t have any so you don’t either”? Run. Fun very fast, and very far. Especially being new! I’ll dissect this in one of my blogs. But seriously, please keep yourself safe. My live in sub wouldn’t mind talking to you one bit about this. Send her a message.

Bottom line, if you have to question yourself about “is this normal/right?” 9 times out of 10, it’s not and you should steer clear.

Redheadedgirl​(sub female) - Thank you so much, I appreciate this! I did step back away from him... But it was like he dismissed that I wanted to take things slow and learn more. Be guided and get to know him first.
I would love to talk to your live in sub, I appreciate anything she could help and guide me with :)

SirPoison - I crave the mind. It's the key it holds your desires. Trust. Fears. Love etc. I must know your mind in order to know your fears desires so I know which way to push etc. And how to train you. If your Dom does not wanna know you. Well it's all about them. And for me in this lifestyle it is about two becoming one on a jounery.

Tradesman​(dom male){LilmissB} - The mind is the biggest sex organ anyway. To have someone trust you enough to be in their head is better than any orgasm or playtime in my opinion. Huge responsibility to hold as well as the key to any deep connections. But again, my opinion 🤷🏽♀️ Seemed like we share a similar mindset.

Sweet Ginger​(sub female){⚓ } - I agree..I see so many red flags here..these types of men prey on inexperienced subs, even submissives that should know better..you most definitely should have boundaries and limits..he doesn't get to choose yours. I don't like that he wouldn't let you speak either..the fact that your blogging about this tells me on a deeper level that you already know that this is not ok..listen to your intuition. Best of luck to you 🌻

Redheadedgirl​(sub female) - Thank you Ginger, the way he made it be IRL was like I was wrong in some way, it was definitely different for me.

moll​(other female){owned slav} - I read your post to the part of him telling you to be quiet and my first and only thought was...."OH HELL NO."

He's not a Dom...he's a loser.

Redheadedgirl​(sub female) - Yes it was weird, cause anytime I did try to communicate anything to him, he would interrupt me and tell me to be quiet, listen to him .. it seemed one way but he made it like it was the way it is, and I didn't know what I was talking about and should let him do the thinking

moll​(other female){owned slav} - That's a tactic of an abusive person: make the other person question their self worth, question their own needs, question all the warning flags that are going up until they just lose their sense of self.
There are a lot of these abusive losers using BDSM communities to find people to abuse.

TreasureMe​(sub female){Consumed} - Wow wow wow! 😤😤😤
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
There are so many red flags here, I can't even. Smh. First off, there's no difference between online or IRL regarding communication and interaction with a Dominant. A true Dom would listen, not over talk you and he would want to build trust, actually learn your limits, kinks etc.

Regarding limits as Tradesman said above, EVERYONE has limits. Unless he's psychotic enough to play with children, animals, self mutilation (I'm totally not joking), etc. These are real things and each human should have a line. Period. Also, since you have limits, he should WANT TO hear them. He should WANT TO honor and respect them.

Also, who the hell does he or anyone for that matter, think they are to tell you what your limits are and whether or not you should have them?! The whole point of this lifestyle is to explore a power dynamic in a SAFE, SANE & CONSENSUAL way. How can that be achieved without discussion and placing boundaries and rules within the parameters of your relationship?

So I'll say this as old yet succinct advice: When in doubt, don't do it.

And keep in mind... just because someone is capable of acting nice toward you, doesn't mean they're a nice person. You called him a very nice guy a couple of times in your blog, but him speaking over you and trying to manipulate, strong arm, intimidate (whatever you want to call it ) you into a very DANGEROUS dynamic where you're essentially silenced, doesn't make him a nice guy to me at all. I'm sure that kidnappers who attempt to entice children with sweets, before hauling them to their vans seem nice at first too.

So lastly, your Dom should encourage your voice. Always. Never snuffing it out. Even if you agree to something, then change your mind, get cold feet, don't like it... whatever it is... you having a safeword should be a rule and it should ALWAYS be respected.

Redheadedgirl​(sub female) - I've learned a lot on here, and that's what thru me for a loop.. but he was so convincing that I was like... What!?! If you know what I mean.. I guess I just needed to know that me walking away wasn't me being scared, but it made me feel belittle in a way but in this super nice manipulative way, is the only way I could describe it. Which is why I described him as a nice guy.... But yes I had a gut feeling and glad I walked away from it .. thank you

TreasureMe​(sub female){Consumed} - He sounds like a grade A narcissist. Scary stuff. I'm glad you trusted your instincts.

Tradesman​(dom male){LilmissB} - “A lot of red flags. Guy’s not a real dom first of all…” she awoke for a second but that’s verbatim what mine just said.

I know I’m blowing you up but please please be careful! Too many on here are manipulative and can be convincing sometimes.

Okay, now I’m out lol

TigerBDSM​(dom male){looking} - The atypical "dom" WILL produce a "domly behavior". Either not knowing or caring about your needs and he does as he pleases.
Be aware of the "one size fits all mentality. Being or "pretending to play the part" of a dominant personality is what you seek. But you and everyone else also seeks quality. Quality requires more than just barking out orders.. Your aspirations having ZERO to do with being new or having emence experience. You simply seek someone who invests the time to understand you.
Sadly only a VERY small percentage of the bdsm population takes the time to learn you. When and if that happens to you, he will get EVERTHING you have to offer. THEN YES, he leads and you follow, because he knows what you want.
Be well,
Tiger

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){I Guess } - You most definitely made the right decision in stepping away! I’m not going to repeat the above comments here.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Excuse me? "Be quiet and listen!" Um, you asked me a question and now you aren't letting me answer you? Make up your gaslighting mind!

You did the right thing! Frankly, i would have told him to go fuck himself sidewards and maaaaybe even punched him in the mouth. Daddy Dom my ass!!!! NO Daddy would have treated ANY sub that way!!!

Bunnie - Nothing new to add to the above responses in regards to him and his glorious bunch of red flags.
I just wanted to say that I’m super glad you reached out to ask for advice. Yes, your gut is telling you the right thing… kudos to you for trusting it :) (that’s one of the most difficult lessons in this journey, in my opinion).
Always remember… if it doesn’t feel right *for you* (despite what anyone else says), then it’s not. It’s that simple.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - My message to this "so called daddy Dom":

You are fucking DANGEROUS!!! How DARE you behave in such a manner! Be warned, Sub's talk and your name WILL be passed around! GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Redheadedgirl​(sub female) - I would share his username with all of you subs, but I did not meet him from this site. But I will keep in mind to contact you all in the future if I come across a fake Dom on here 💯

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Please, share it with us HOWEVER, you can only do so in PM's. Saying their name publicly violates the rules here.

AdamDragon​(dom male) - Well, as lost have said here, red flags galore. Obviously limits are the one thing that need to be discussed and explored. At the very least discussed. But the one thing lacking here is communication. How do you get to know someone without it. You can not ever be told to keep quiet and just listen. Doesn’t matter if your a sub, switch or slave. Especially and not limited to the beginning. Communication doesn’t go one way. It’s one of the four pillars and without it how can you trust, respect or be honest if your not learning each other. You can’t get to know someone’s core without learning EACH OTHER.
Now the expectations of no limits? That should always be a stop sign for you right there. Yes, every dynamic is different and what works for some doesn’t for others. But to have ANY expectations in a first meet is a walk on a very dangerous path. As stated above, this “Dom” needs to learn what this lifestyle is truly about and educate himself before assuming or barking out “be quiet and listen”. To assume meeting you is a doorway to you instantly submitting is like walking into satans boiler. You are going to burn either way. Stay safe and don’t allow anyone to tell you who and what you are.

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} - Lol no point in beating a dead horse and saying the same things over and over again. But you were smart enough to see what I had missed previously so glad you listened to your gut and moved along. A Daddy Dom or any Dom(me) for that matter isn’t going to try to control from the get go. They will have control before you even know it because it’s slow and steady and careful.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) - I don’t have much to add that hasn’t been said already. Glad you reached out for advice and trusted your instincts to get away from this guy. He sounds dangerous.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) - I’m going to address the question first and then provide commentary. I can agree with most of what is said above; but we from the outside don’t know the entire conversation or what led up to your friend telling you to be quiet and listen.

“IRL, does control also take over what I think my needs are? Should I not be thinking and just allow him to know or figure out what my needs are?“ - short answer, no. Long answer, no. Your needs are your needs. It’s incumbent upon both of you to communicate so that you both figure out what your needs are, his needs are, and your collective needs are. Sometimes, after the two individuals have grown to know one another well and if “He” is attentive and intelligent, “He” might be in an outside position to see something “she” doesn’t see with regards to “her” needs and how to meet them. But that isn’t him telling her what her needs are so much as the two communicating well enough for him to understand their patterns and read the correct direction. This is why open communication and transparency is so utterly important.

As to him talking over you and telling you to be quiet and listen: If this is his mannerisms from day one, he could very well be exuding Domly trait 17, “Act like you know it all because twue Doms do.” Some individuals feel they must be all wise and know immediately the right course of action to “fix” what may not be the issue without taking the time to actually learn and listen. If so, he needs to learn and mature more. He’s missing the mark. Are his intentions right, wrong or other? We don’t know, we weren’t there. You were. You know him. You are still friends with him, so he doesn’t sound like an awful abusive tool. He might be, he might not.

Some individuals are narcissistic and don’t consider you beyond their needs and desires. Is it possible he is one of those? In this case, he is a tool (and apparently not a sharp one). Advise you stay away. The farther the better.

His comments on his not having limits and you shouldn’t either is just stupid. We all have limits. You are correct about getting to know someone before giving them levels of trust to push limits. And some limits are only yours to decide whether to push them. He just sounds like someone who read Fifty Shades of Domliness and thought it was a good primer on how to be a Domly dom. But again, I wasn’t there and I could be wrong. He could just be an asshat (that is a technical term).

As for his talking over you and telling you to be quiet and listen: Not having been there, if this was a one time event, were you giving pause to allow him to speak? Or does he always do this? Not saying you were, but some individuals get into a state of talking and need to be politely told to quiet and listen - even Doms (as I am apparently evidencing as I write this). LOL. Many . . . MANY submissive attest to respecting when their Dominant (specifically and often ONLY their Dominant) directs them to silence and listen. It’s a key in quieting the mind but typically after a relationship has been established. It’s not something that should come on day one. It’s very important to learn the signs to know when to do so. It is possible he is making assumptions about your communications and where you are in your relationship (you met IRL so I will make the assumption you two have been talking at least for a bit). He may think you’re farther along than you are (like I see many, many couples do as they meet on the Cage and elsewhere - jumping right in head first).

Just thoughts to consider. Not saying the others above are right, wrong or even dressed properly for a Friday. But as I age I find that often when I relay a story it is only from my limited perspective and others will only feel what I feel or see how I see it.

Redheadedgirl​(sub female) - Thank for your perspective, I appreciate you answering my questions. I can get excited and talk a lot, but in this case, I would start to say a sentence to answer his questions, then he would tell me to be quiet and just listen. I didn't get the chance to reply to in person and then later he said I never answered him. At this time, I've stopped talking to him all together and wished him well in life.

sandrakanda​(sub female) - Yes, some Doms might want you not to have hard limits. In my opinion is okay if it's set as a goal for the futuee.That means limits will be explored with time and safety is still priority.
I was made to shut up more than a few time as a newbie, cuz I was talking too much and not listening. It was done in a playful way with locking my mouth and I was alowed to speak afterwards.
As you see there are some similarities with your story. But the aftermath is different. Look at how it makes you feel and is there a point in his actions and words.

First Class Dom​(dom male){I'm real } - My actual experience is minimal IRL but this much I've learned from educating myself in this dynamic lifestyle.
1) find connection 2) communicate as needed to feel comfortable with the other person. 3) most already have hard and soft limits 4) is earning one's trust, perhaps most important one. With this some hard limits could become soft with soft one's not being an issue... one must earn this however there will always be some limits.

Again this comes from connection, communication, trust and negotiation. You are still seeking a relationship similar to vanilla but spicy.

I wish you the best on your quest in finding your Daddy Dom

Purple Freesia - Run, if I had payed attention and didn't just ignore the red flags before me, I would have ran from the beginning; be quiet and listen' is likely code for 'do as you are told', which is also code for 'i don't care about your needs' - you are here to serve me, not the other way around.

As for discovering your limits; in the beginning, that is what should be done and when new limits are discovered, they should be respected as well. If your limits are preventing him from being who he needs to be, then there should be a conversation asking the question, Is this dynamic-relationship going to meet both of your needs?

Hammermon777​(dom male) - haveuseenmyhalo:
Write this Down
Dominance is not about control over a
submissive. Dominance is about leading and
the submissive following. These words have
been said thousands of times by thousands of
people. I suspect it will continue to be said for
many years to come.
Submissives do not seek people to control
them. They seek a leader that proves time and
time again that they are qualified to follow.
Mistakes happen. Wrong decisions are made,
It's how you handle those decisions that make
you reliable and trustworthy.

TopekaDom​(dom male) - While I am late on this (like really really late), the key to this is to understand the difference between Commanding and Demanding.