Steellover

For those who have a special someone, today is a beautiful, romantic, fun and erotic day.  Be with your loved one, and (for you submissives out there) may you service them well, and for your dominants out there, may you treasure and care for your partner.

For those without- today is just another day.  Bah Humbug!  Well, there's always tomorrow.   So, happy Valentine's day both to those with and those without someone to share it with.

The Super Bowl was two days ago.  Anyone ever notice how Domino's pizza always causes a raging and terrible thirst 2-4 hours after having one?  I must have drank a pitcher of water for almost every slice.  I have no real comment on the game, as I had no interest in either team but at least it was an exciting game, and I thought Rihanna did a great halftime show. 

Sometimes I feel like the darkness of the world is too much.  Like being enveloped in a darkness so thick you are screaming in the dark, and the light in the tunnel you think you see is actually just the headlight of the oncoming train.

I fear for the future.  Freedoms being taken away, our once free society transformed into a dystopian Atwood-esque world where women are little more than breeding stock, and sex for pleasure, along with many other simple things we now take for granted, is illegal.  And there is growing hatred of GLBT and people of color, and the once unthinkable Jim Crow attitudes once more becoming the paradigm. And of course, the fear, reading the news that we may not even HAVE a future of any kind. 

Sometimes you just lose hope.  Just the fear and darkness sometimes becomes overwhelming. I try to carry the light, but yet the swirling winds are too strong, and I get tired, wet and cold.

And yes, sometimes I pray.

"Come in," He said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm." (Matt.11 v.28)

Those days, long ago...

Wandering around at a backyard party, in a haze of post-awareness confusions.

"Hey Devin"*  Did you get Karra anything for her birthday?  I know you sometimes sit next to her in Mr. Syock's German History class." Gary Vonn says.

(Is he insulting me?  Did he mean it that way?  He's frowning.  Oh God, I fucked that up, oh no...  maybe I'll go grab another beer.)

(Oh wait, there's Karra now...should I go talk to her?"

Hey Karra... (Oh my God, am I being too forward? Should I even be talking to her? Oops, I screwed up.)

"...Happy Birthday! " "yay, Thanks!"  Hey Devin!"  "So...uh, how old are you?"

(Oh NO!  Never ask that!  I REALLY screwed up now, oh God, this is bad...she probably hates me now, maybe I should just walk away.  I'll go grab another beer, oh wait I just opened one.)

More advanced plaque entanglements ensue.  The band starts playing.  Mike "Rotch" Phillips on bass and vocals, Cliff on guitar, Renny on drums...Devin is smiling at Renny...(oh God what am I doing here, she's totally mad at me, now Renny's mad at me too, this is a bad scene...)  I see another girl I want to talk to but I'm too tongue tied to think of what to say.  The band is playing a song, "Aching Cavern without Lucidity."  (No, that's me, this song is about me isn't it, why am I in this fog of drifting time misplaced...what was I talking about, I can't hear over the band playing.  Oh whoops, that isn't Gary Vonn I'm talking to, I don't even know this guy, and I'm totally bothering him, aren't I.)  "Let's go pack another bowl," Gary says then.

Why am I doing this?

It was fun at the time.

Until it wasn't.

Until I got older, gave it up, got lucid, and was actually able to have fun at social gatherings again.

No, I don't miss it.  Just beer, thank you, and even then, two or three of those and I'm good.

(*My name isn't Devin obviously)

Today is an anniversary day.  

It is exactly twenty years to the day since I left my old job.  Well, actually I was TOLD to leave it, but not because of bad performance or other incidents.  The engineering consulting company didn't have enough work coming in to keep everyone on the payroll, so that's how it was.  It was on a Friday, the third Friday in January.  It came with a sense of relief, because somehow I knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in that place.

The pay was low and the hours were long.  The prevailing attitude at this company was, "While others work to live, we live to work."  Now, I respect the heck out of that attitude.  There was a certain old-school mentality there; be passionate about your job, value hard work to the fullest, and these are all good things.  But what about hobbies?  Family?  Hiking in the hills?  Long bike rides after work?  Or weekend getaways into the mountains?  Hanging out with your buddies?  I guess, ultimately, I realized at one point, (probably after yet another weekend being forced to work in the office to meet an impossible deadline- and after at least five or six consecutive 12-hour days) that I am one of those "Work to live" rather than "Live to work" people.  I love my job and I will give it 110 percent while I am there, but ultimately, when it's "quittin' time," all work and no play make Jack* a dull boy.  And a lot of the old timers, grizzled old veteran engineers and designers who I worked for, couldn't understand, or even respect that. ("You gen-X slackers with your outside interests and lives outside of work..what a bunch of lazy kids!" they'd say.)

(*my real name isn't Jack, obviously.)

So I got a better job.  Better pay (there were some fast-food workers who actually made more than I did at that old job) more reasonable hours and a much better work environment overall.  And this job is the one I hope to retire at, God willing, and with any luck.  

It all reminded me of this dream I had a few years ago.  I was back at my old office, but I was trapped there. The place was an endless shifting maze of rooms and halls, with yellow carpet, ugly yellow wallpaper, and the ever-present hum of buzzing flourescent lights.  There were no windows, and seemingly no exits, and there were a few of us trapped there with me.  We would just wander endlessly through this empty office space, from room to room, hopelessly trying to find our way out. Finally we figured out that to make the exit appear, we had to just make a loop in the right direction, and hit all six conference rooms, in the right order.  And that would trigger an escape hatch.  

Then, about a year ago, while going down a Youtube rabbit hole on a typically boring January evening, a video popped up in my Youtube recommendations.  It was a short horror film/video about a teenage filmmaker who finds himself trapped in a strange dimension, an endless empty windowless office with yellow wallpaper and carpets, and so much like my nightmare from six years ago that it was downright scary.  And the video would have disturbing enough as it was, without recalling my old dream.  I won't spoil it, but let's just say that the kid in the video discovers that the thing that is trapped there with him is something inhuman... And the setting of that video looked almost eerily like the old office building I used to work at.

In a way, being trapped in that disturbing dream-like dimension was like being trapped in a dull and dehumanizing job.  And endless series of liminal spaces, drab, empty, and seemingly with no escape, but yet with the constant and ominous feeling of background stress that something- whether it's an unexpected summons to Human Resources, or a literal monster, as in the aforementioned horror video- is stalking you.   

I am grateful to have the job I have now.  Even on bad days, when (for example) a certain designer changes the length of a certain part and I have to re-do my drawings for like the fourth time.  I am grateful to even have a job, I guess.  And for those still trapped in their own private back rooms, may they one day find the exit. 

I suppose I should make a "New years resolution" post because, well, it IS a new year, and yes, I have made some resolutions.  Maybe by next December I'll tell you about them, hopefully after keeping all of those resolutions. I'd rather not disappoint myself (and anyone else reading this.)

Instead, I will bring up something else: I read Mistress Kay's excellent article yesterday on the issue of shame in BDSM.  Her article really moved me, because she described exactly what I have experienced in my journey, and with wrestling with these kinds of feelings. I won't quote the entire article, other than suggest people read it, but I know exactly what she was talking about so it struck a chord with me.

"Bingeing and purging" is basically trying to overcome an addiction to kink and BDSM due to shameful feelings of guilt associated with it, and giving it up- vowing to banish all such desires forever.  But inevitably failing, and falling back into the cycle of trying to fulfill these kinks, whether online or (preferably) with another person.

I guess with me, I should discuss where this guilt comes from.  To summarize, most of it comes from the difficulty, or even impossibility, to find a meaningful, lasting and romantic relationship.  Or finding the closeness and companionship that I desperately desire, while burdened with these underlying kinks that most partners find unacceptable, and are unwilling to fulfill.  So I try to give it up, bury it, and suppress this side of me. Because it is not fair to my romantic partner to ask her to do things which most "nice" vanilla girls would find creepy and/or gross. Or which would make my date run away screaming and never call me again. 

When I first discovered this "hidden" aspect of sexuality, I was overcome with some of the most powerful sexual feelings imaginable, and made a lot of mistakes that newbies do.  One of the things I quickly realized is that no, there just isn't a whole plethora of women out there looking for that kind of relationship.  Out of those few that are, many of them have vastly different relationship goals- be it true slavery in the classic (non-sexual) sense, or, simply a "Sugar daddy."   The two times I was involved with BDSM relationships, the first one wanted the former- After no more than two or three dates, she expected us to have a total 24/7, non-sexual slavery relationship.  Which scared me off.  The second one was the latter:  She was a pro-domme who, though she did fulfill a lot of my inner kinks at first- which was wonderful- she WAS only a professional.  And thus, there was no romance, no deeper or lasting connection, despite the fact that I did really like her.  But as fun as it was at first, it quickly progressed to the point where it became clear that her only real "kink" was in getting me to spend as much money on her as possible.   I became little more than a cash cow to be milked.  Sure some guys are into that; this is fine, but it wasn't what I wanted.  So I broke it off.

Both times, I exited these relationships and vowed to give up kink for good.  This is not the way to a happy or healthy relationship, and so it wasn't what I wanted, I decided.  I was done with that.  But yet somehow, whether it was a vivid erotic dream, or stumbling across an erotic story online, or merely seeing a hot girl in public, and somehow my mind imaging them holding the looped end of a leash around my balls- those thoughts would return.

It is not as easy for a submissive guy as it is for a submissive woman, or even a dominant of either sex. I say this not to be a "whiny and pathetic sub" but merely to point out that the numbers bear that out, even in the kink community.  There are a lot more male subs than there are dominant females, and male subs are not always held in high regard.  My town used to have a small tightly knit BDSM group and I contacted them once, but they were really close knit, and the group seemed to be geared almost exclusively towards male dominants and female submissives.  As a single guy who was submissive, I would not have felt welcome.  At least they were honest and polite when they let me know this.

Aside from the numbers game, there have been times where as a submissive male, I have been kink-shamed and as a result, have done some deep self-reflection on my own deep inner desires- causing yet another "Binge and purge" cycle.  I once posted an erotic story on Literotica, about a man who falls in love with, proposes to and marries his dream domme. The story depicted rather explicit acts of cuckolding, forced bisexualty, flogging/spanking, and toilet play.  I had to take it down.  Almost everyone who read it made it very clear in their comments that they found it offensive and inappropriate, and demanded that I not only remove that story, but leave the site entirely.  As a result, I took down not only that offending story, but the other three BDSM-themed works I had published previously.  I can admit that perhaps I miscalculated by posting that story there- for example, something that outside the mainstream probably doesn't fit will with a mainstream audience.   That was my fault; you don't book Deicide, Mayhem, or Cannibal Corpse to play at your Christian Youth Picnic (for example).  You have to know your audience.  But still, the shame and guilt from that experience let me to try hard- and ultimately fail- to bury these feelings for good. So again, I purged those kinky thoughts from my mind, vowing never again to let my sexuality fall down the rabbit hole.

Even on this site, I have experienced it a little bit.  Granted, most people on this site are wonderful, open, and accepting.  I have tried to be the same, even realizing that certain kinks/dynamics clearly aren't my thing.  A self-describe dominant female on this very site once complained in several threads about "all the cringy posts from submissive males." While another dominant male once claimed that I was violating God's commandment by submitting to a woman, since it was against his view of Christianity.  As a Christian myself who believes in God's love and Jesus's sacrifice, that one really bothered me. 

But I don't want to sound ungrateful for all of the awesome and wonderful people on here, both male and female, dominant and submissive.  Especially to Mistress Kay whose wonderful article moved me to write this.  I guess I can say, my own journey is still continuing and I am still struggling with guilt, and maybe still doing a little bingeing and purging.  Perhaps I will find my dream Goddess someday.  If not, perhaps my love for my non-kinky partner will overcome these inner "dirty" thoughts, and I will have the courage and strength to give her the love that she wants and deserves- even if that doesn't involve scratching my own deep inner kinky desires.  I hope so.

1) May your holidays be anything but generic- in a GOOD way of course!   Since I would assume that, by joining this site, most of us are anything but generic ourselves.

2) For those of you who are unattached, may you find the dom/domme or sub of your dreams, and the chemistry be as electrifying as your holiday Christmas lights.

3) May your holiday Christmas lights stay lit (and not short out like those strings where if one bulb is out, every other light in the entire string will be out.)

4) Have a joyous time with your families and loved ones, or if you cannot, find the joy in the simple things around you.

5) Have safe travels.  Watch a lot of football (or one of those old Charlie Brown/Frosty the Snowman/Rudolph Christmas specials we all loved as kids.  Because they still show those.)

6) Strike peppermint like Yukon Cornelius, and may you find your own snow bumble to put that star on your tree.  And for those of us on our own islands of misfit toys, may we all find acceptance and joy. 

'sall I got.

This is sort of a post-Thanksgiving post, so I hope it's not too late.

November is generally my least favorite month of the year.  Too cold and dark for outdoor recreation.  But, generally too early for snow sports and Christmas.  (Though our local ski hill did open early this year so I did get some snowboarding runs in on Sunday after all.)

But generally, this is my existence in November:  Drive to work in the dark; come home in the dark.  Rake leaves- my least favorite yardwork chore; You Dominant types, if you are ever looking for a way to punish your subs, make them rake leaves!  Hunker down, turn inward, sit by the fire, work on projects (like typing stuff on the cage.co.)  Start thinking about what to get everyone for Christmas.  Hit a couple crafts fairs. That's November around here.

I woke up on Sunday after a strange dream about loneliness, feeling extra lonely being in an empty house.  But then I remembered; to give thanks for what I do have instead of for what I don't.  I have plenty of great supportive friends, and a good social life. I live in a place which offers plenty of fun stuff to do- like Snow boarding.  I still have my mother and brother. I still have good health, and a roof over my head, with a yard that perhaps has too many deciduous trees, but which will look beautiful come spring.  And I have met some wonderful people on these forums.

And finally, to whomever it was who reported my previous post for allegedly violating some kind of terms, I apologize if I offended you. I was really trying to walk a line of not being too controversial of political, and was merely expressing the point that it is good to have respect for others who may be different from you. I'm sorry if my post was taken that way.

Yes, I am "Woke."  But I do not understand how we, as a society, have let that become a bad thing.

Let me explain; because I think there may be a widely shared misunderstanding of the term. 

When I was a kid, one of the things parents, teachers, counselors, and even fellow students drilled in my head over and over again was, treat people with respect.  Call people what they want to be called.   Address them how they want to be addressed.  I still remember the day my dad ripped me a new one, and subsequently grounded me for yelling the word, (negative word for an African American.)  "That's just mean, and it's DISRESPECTFUL."  he explained.  Then one day I observed these two kids being sent to detention for grabbing a girl's breast.  "Because women don't like that, it's disrespectful, and a gentleman would never do that!" The principal explained to us.  "So don't do it!" 

So, basically, I would think that most people (though clearly not everyone) would agree that groping women, yelling racist or homophobic slurs, and basically disrespecting other people is not a good or appropriate thing to do.  If you agree with that, then you, too, are "Woke."

So then, why is it considered a bad thing?  My theory is this:  I think some people ascribe it to a political movement, and automatically associate it with some far-left and dubious political causes.  Or they preach some fringe nonsense theory ("They are trying to convert everyone to being gay! They are coming for your children! They are going to replace all of us white folks!" they scream, and not without a certain amount of paranoia and spite.) Or they assume that "Woke" means that if you are NOT a minority, or not homosexual or transgendered, or merely, not a woman, you are supposed to feel some sort of guilt and self-loathing.  But that is not it at all!  Being "woke" should not have nothing to do with any of that stuff.

It just means, treat everyone as you would be treated, but more importantly, as they wish to be treated.  Love thy neighbor as thyself, as Jesus said. (So in that sense, you could say that Jesus Himself was "woke.")  Have respect for yourself, and for everyone else around you.

Is this really such a bad thing?

I never really thought about the sacrifices and the horror some of our veterans have endured until I saw this movie.

If you have not seen "Saving Private Ryan", then (without giving away any spoilers) I will say the opening scene, depicting the landing and slaughter at Omaha Beach, is unbelievably grim.

As kids, we would run around with our toy guns and pretend to storm imaginary beaches, run through the woods shooting imaginary SS troopers, and raid imaginary nazi bunkers. Just wade in, kick ass, take names. "Wow, I wanna be an army guy when I grow up!" we said, as innocent kids who didn't really know better.  

Real war isn't like those stupid GI Joe cartoons, or like those cheesy glory-filled action hero movies.  It's violent, scary, and grim. It's like "Saving Private Ryan," where not just the catastrophic death toll, but the fear, the suffering, and loss is unimaginable for anyone who wasn't actually there. 

So, today, I just want to take the time to say, for all those who suffered, endured, survived, and laid their lives on the line to fight for and protect what we have, even saying "Thank you" probably isn't even enough.  

I think there are some people, today, who take what we have in the US for granted, or perhaps do not even understand, nor appreciate, what our veterans have fought for. But for those who do, and again, for those who made those sacrifices, thank you so much.  Happy Veterans Day.

SS&TDP  (Short Sweet and To the Point:)

I hope everyone had a great Halloween, and I hope that, to all of those who suffered through a long Locktober, that your blessed and beautiful release is every bit as powerful as you imagined it would be.

Happy November!