So this happened about two years ago. I don't think I've posted about it before but if I have, then I apologize for the redundancy.
Anyway, so I had met this girl. Really liked her. We both liked art, hiking, scabbing for cool rocks in the back country, and had a few common interests, and she seemed really easy going and cool. She had stopped by during an event I was hosting a table at so I finally got the nerve and asked her out. We hit it off... or so I thought. One thing I realized early is that she was in "The Program." Meaning, no booze for her. Okay; that's fine; granted I do like to have a couple beers with buddies occasionally but I'm more of a lightweight social drinker than a hardcore partyer these days (I got that out of my system way back in my college days.) But I could do the sober thing for her, support her, and never even touch so much as sip of wine when I was around her because I want to be supportive.
We went out on a couple dates. She came across as friendly, kind, sincere, but at the same time, not overly sexually aggressive or suggestive, and I certainly didn't want to force the issue. So I tried to play it cool, be a gentleman. If she ever did gave me a sign she wanted more than to just share a smile, it was too subtle for me to notice. Now granted, I never, ever, brought up the idea of kink, BDSM, or any extreme or "alternative sexual" stuff with her. I didn't want to go there, being afraid to scare her off. Keep in mind I have pretty much resigned myself to dating in the vanilla world at this point, and even with the idea of "Vanilla" style sex, I was being super cautious. There are a lot of people who are pretty sexually conservative where I live. And keeping in mind that she was doing all kinds of A-A meetings and sessions, I suspected that she might have wanted to take things slow, too.
So, on the third date, we went on an outing, over into "The Back Lands," as I call the rugged uplands and foothills of the Owyhee Mountains which are my stomping grounds. It was, as I recall, right around this time of year- mid-November, right when things were getting muddy and the daylight was starting to get rationed. We had a nice time, nothing awkward, no red flags- no arguments or weird uncomfortable bits. It seemed like a wonderful day. We got back to the house. I invited her in but she said, rather subconsciously, well, I got mud all over my boots.
"Oh, don't worry, I'll clean them for you. Let me go inside and grab some paper towels." I said, thinking I was being a regular "Sir Walter Rally" style gentleman.
Now, this is the part where a lot of people, who are still reading, might think "uh-oh, this is where the story is about to get really super cringey."
And where I think, "Well, I probably shouldn't have done that."
So I'll gloss it over but let's just say, that while I was kneeling in front of her, wiping the mud from her white leather cowboy boots, I was thinking to myself, "Wow...this is NICE! I'm really enjoying this!"
However, I never said anything to the effect, not wanting to come across as, well, really super cringey. But she may have noticed, as much as I tried to hide it and play it cool, that maybe...just maybe, I enjoyed cleaning the mud off her boots maybe a little too much. And keep in mind, I never said anything creepy, or anything at all in fact. Perhaps, though, just the unnatural (to her) vibe of a guy kneeling in front of her boots, cleaning them, made her uncomfortable.
But that's the thing, she never said anything either! A week passed. I told her I wanted to see her again, but she was never available. When I finally heard from her, she called me and said, "well, I was thinking, you know..." (Well, you know the rest.) I asked if it was because of anything I said or did. She assured me it wasn't. But the thing is, as a guy, you always wonder, what DID you do wrong? What was the red flag, how did I screw up, etc. You torture yourself, beat yourself up, "should I have said this, should I not have said that, or should I have done or not done this or that...."
Did she, in fact, pick up on the kink vibe and get creeped out?
I will unfortunately never know. But I do know, this kind of thing always leaves me feeling guilty for having some of the thoughts and feelings that I have- and this guilt is something I do continually wrestle with.
So if you've made it this far, thanks for reading.