Well what can I do here other then Introduce myself? I'm Asra, real names are for way down the road and Asra sounds nicer then my real name anyway. I'm a Sex repulsed Asexual who suffers from several mental disabilities including, Asperger syndrome, Depression, and PTSD brought on by My sister passing away in our youth and a very abusive ex.
I've probably made a few of you go
"Well if you are Ace why are you here?"
That's a fantastic question...
Moving on, I'm probably not as funny as I think I am but if I can get a chuckle or a snort I'm a happy clam. Though sometimes my humour can edge towards dark and I fully blame that on my family, they fully accept the blame.
So why am I here? Well why is anyone here. to find the right one (or ones in the case for you lovely Polys out there, not my thing but you do you <3) I have a vision of what I want, and maybe I'll find it, and maybe I'll get to know someone and it'll be completely different from what I thought? Who knows that's the fun of potential, I both love and Hate potential because it can be ANYTHING from mundane to fantastic.. which is amazing and terrifying when you have anxiety HA!
What do I want you ask?
A dom.
But like, a mental dom? maybe spankings further in the relationship? I don't know I've never done this before, but I kind of know what I want but also my limits. I am sex repulsed, Part of that come from sever Tactile defensiveness, I am so sensitive even certain fabrics are painful for me to wear. But I want cuddles some times. I want hugs and hand holding and all the sweet things. ((This is the part where I admit that at 32 I have never seriously kissed anyone, Pecks on the cheek but that is it))
I want someone I can love whole heartedly who will love me back. I love a good Alpha but, alphas tend to really really really want sex so I'm probably boned on that front.
Gender? Don't care. Even if I was interested in sex gender has never mattered to me, I think that would make me Pan-romantic? I think? I can't keep track of all these titles anyway what I want is an emotional connection (And if you happen to shove me up against a wall to make sure I remember I belong to you I don't think I'd say no <3... is that to much? that's probably to much...but hey if I'm not honest here when will I ever be?)
I know I'm not pretty. I can be nice to look at if I put effort in but I work from home and Rarely go out so I rarely put the effort in, I'm also Fat, I'm tall so I was able to pull it off for a while but lets just say lockdown and finding a pizza place that delivers has done me dirty.
Basically I'm a hot mess. I only work as a free lance illustrator because People don't actually have to see me so nothing about my awkward personality or face can put people off.
I live with my mom, She's my mental health caregiver. I have episodes of complete Paranoid breakdowns, which I know most of my triggers for but not all of them. suffice it to say on a really bad brain day I can be found huddled on my bed with my sword shaking and crying in absolute terror...
Maybe I'm more trouble then I'm worth, I don't know what I can offer. I thought I did but Like I said abusive ex. everything I did was never good enough even things I did that he asked for that I... didn't really wanna do. So I don't know what's right. Someone whose willing to let me learn, who'll guide me? I can't offer much more then me. My heart, my mind, my time, my devotion... is that enough, is that worth all of this? *I shall proceed to gesture to all of me*
I don't know, I really don't.
I will hope though. I'll hope that someone sees past the mess, the anxiety, and the not really knowing what I'm doing. To me, the person passionate about art, and anime. who has three silly perfect dogs, who loves her family and has so much more love to give to the one who wants to be only hers and wants her to be only theirs.
I will hope.
