Im missing the comfort that comes from this lifestyle and more importantly someone who knows you that well and that connection.
So it's that time again, off to watch secretary. Some of the comedy is so on point.
The odd situations you can find yourself in are truly amusing.
After recent events i wanted to say thank you to a gentleman who i met up with in London and stayed with me the whole night while we went to clubs, making sure i got back okay even walking with me to the train station.... seriously thank you xxxx
You may be a sub but your not a beta, you made sure i was safe and looked after me the entire time some out there call that being alpha some call it chivalry or being a gentleman xxxx
Thank you xx
Ive hit my tolerance for bullshit now, something is snapping in me mentality. I just can't do it anymore, its too shitty. Im looking at options. Im not sure yet on options yet but im looking. Something somewhere is going to have to change, i refuse this bull crap from now on, the more i look the shittier it gets.... the only thing is where do i go from here because this just isn't working for anyone anymore. I'm submissive yes, i can also top.... submissives have control over their free will and personal autonomy, you take mine away and think it's going to go well, you arrogant, condescending, self righteous dip sh*t.
The line needs to be drawn in the sand.... my spine made of steel is growing.... just looking at where is best for me.
Tell a sub who hasn't willingly submitted or surrendered anything what they can and can't do, tends not to go well..... im growing a spine thorny would be proud of.
Technology sucks and incompetence is king ....
For the same reason others choose not to.
Because i can, because it's my choice and i choose to.
I also choose WHO is worthy of that submission. That's right you have to earn it ;)
One of these things is the contrast between people's assumptions about the lifestyle, what it's actually like and the vanilla world appearance.
Often people assume its all kink, its not, it's a connection with someone in a way that's quite rare, deep and honest.
Because it's not all fettish land kink all the time, the lifestyles appearance in vanilla land can be quite a contrast to what people expect it to be. Often looking like a couple who are friends because they have a deep connection yet quite reserved, because they are waiting until later. Even old fashioned at times as the door is held open or he decides what to order for food that evening.
It's often the most 'accepting' that can have the most stereotypical assumptions of kink and bdsm, wanting to be 'supportive' to well.... get off or gossip off juicy info.
For some that stereotype is a kink for them, each to their own but RACK and SSC always. For me i like the exact opposite, i like the head fuck that goes with it because people like simplicity and when complex turns up, it can make their heads turn ;). Especially when you point out kink and bdsm, although fun together don't have to be mutually exclusive.
I quite like that contrast between vanilla and bdsm, i like how the stereotype doesn't hold up. I like looking at my partner knowing no one would have a clue by looking at us at the fun we can get up to. But i tend not to like assumptions in general, i very rarely live up to stereotypes, like many of us. Although pencil skirts are awesome.
It's the difference between 50 shades and secretary.
Masochistic tendencies can be fun or.... extremely challenging. Especially when you put road blocks in your own way.
... slowly bangs head on my desk.
On the plus side i found a book series i love has a new book.
... how i missed you.
You have been pacing back and forth in the corner. Patiently waiting.
Its time now, a new life is waiting. I missed you my old friend, the freedom, the backbone you had, you had to hide.
To quote 'it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me.... and im feeling good'
Something is new, i have a deep black depth of something new... it makes me smile in a way i imagine movie villains do. Is this a new sadistic side ive discovered? Hmmm
My inner freak has been patient and compressed for too long....
The odd thing? This isn't just my bdsm side, my eyes are going black, this is the smell of freedom.
Family can be awesome or fuck you up beyond belief. With any luck by the end of the week im free again.
I DON'T HAVE TO DO SHIT!!!
No more listening to how i can't do something like halfway through my dissertation saying 'well i never expected you to pass anyway' while because of university fuck ups i became financially dependent on idiots. No more of your dad is a bastard while then lying to me for 26years about sole custody. Just to tell me the truth in my final year of study because i threatened to get the court papers. Litterly eviscerated him, homelessness the whole fucking works. Yes im being serious.
WOO FUCKING HOO.
MY INNER BITCH HAS RETURNED AND SHE SMELLS FREEDOM. ITS BEEN TOO FUCKING LONG.
I never used to like vindictiveness... i still don't but i do wonder if it hits a point of survival. I could drag her through the fucking court system, she doesn't think i would, hopefully i never have to. But offers of you should work close with me so we can make sure your safe, should be approached with serious caution. I know exactly what is meant by 'safe'.
Refused me help for a month or two until i split with my ex. Im a fucking emotional punching bag for her emotional baggage, when she couldn't attack my dad anymore it was me by proxy, even had family die without ever seeing them because i wasn't 'allowed' to find out its all shit.
Its painful seeing what she's done to others, yet thinks she's all compassionate thinks everyone is ultimately good exept for these few people who i have to fuck over endless. All i can say is toxic positivity is a head fucker when you see it used to justify shitty behaviour. Either that or she is an actual psychopath that reads self help books endlessly so she can mimic the behaviour to hide the shit show that follows her.
I never wanted university because i knew i would be stepping back into a cage at some point to keep me there and get through. To my ex Dom, who believed in me, who knew of the lies used to manipulate me before i did, who gave me a path to freedom... thank you xxx
I know it cost more than you wanted it to, when the hooks are in deep they won't come out easily. She litterly destroys anyone else i can ever rely on... all so i only ever have her there. Be it family, friends or even opportunities. She was so pissed i moved away and to uni it took 2 years for her to fucking visit. After refusing any support or help while watching things imploded. She refused to speak to me for 6 months. Yes this is a grown adult.
Before uni, i barely survived but was free. Its been hell. I've lost my sanity more than once.
Ive always had good instincts. Thank God i do. Its a matter of getting back up. I am going nowhere near any 'offer' from here to 'help me', keeping eyes open and mouth shut occasionally has its advantages.
One of the most vindictive, emotionally abusive arsehats ive ever had the displeasure of knowing. Im counting the days.... until i can pick and choose when i interact. Christmas was mine this year, was awesome.
I with i could tell my ex thank you. He gave up a lot to give me that opportunity when no one else would.
IM ALMOST THERE.
JUST A LITTLE LONGER.
This ... is why im thorny, if you can't handle thorny, then you will be eviscerated by my family.
My old friend, patiently waiting, oh how i missed you... welcome back x
Effort can count for a lot. And yes that can mean more than 3 dates.
There seems to be a sheer lack of wanting to build something with someone and the effort that is required. Its like we are all trying to do it on the cheap and make it happen with as little effort and investment as possible.... even from the ones who try it sucks.
If i wanted that ... guess what... i could easily get it... i did that for years... im not here for that. The effort you think it takes times it by ten. Don't just ask questions and then do nothing with the information thats given to you. Build on the conversation.