Sometimes i block people yes this can be due to unwanted messages or behaviour.
Other times it can be because i can't cope with something and i need to take time away to work out if i have come across a new trigger.
Being blocked isn't a nice feeling but sometimes it's not anything you have done it's because the person on the other side is struggling.
I have had this asked of me a few times recently.
I have you ever had to kill the joy inside you? I have. Repeatedly. It doesn't leave an easy impression. Especially when the cause of it is still around. Screamed at for being happy or excited. To this day people look at me odd when i don't react to good news.
Hence the nickname thorny. There is a reason for this, if you can't handle thorny then there is no way in hell you can manage my family.
There will come a point i will have to choose, there will always be a point that happens and i will have to walk away from family. If i am with someone who doesn't understand this or tries to win them over honestly you will get steam rolled.
The last guy offered me a kidney during organ failure (fortunately it wasn't needed) a few years later we needed help to move.... nothing except 'go and ask his parents'. It genuinely wouldn't surprise me if my mum on some level has sociopathic tendencies. This guy fucked his degree up looking after me, she kept ringing me telling me to throw him out... i kept the roof over his head while he finished his masters and got his first job. Jesus the phone calls were hell.
i left home at 19 on the bus with all my belongings in bin bags. Meanwhile having messages of why i had left stuff at my mums house as she thought i was moving out and needed the room. Everything that wasn't essential was thrown away. There is only so much you can carry. A suitcase massive handbag and a few bin bags. I suspect i am going to have to do something similar soon. Thing is im 30 not 19 now.
I went up at Christmas to 'im sorry i didn't have time to sort the room out'. The spare room has mold and a broken bed, this was covered with all the Christmas decorations she had pulled down and decided not to use. That was my first Christmas after i split with my ex. As soon as i walked in the door she whispered in my ear 'not to worry because is her fault' with an odd smile on her face in a mocking tone, i hadn't long split with my ex and if i could drive i would have left. No one else heard and its a little fuck you i own you because you can't do shit. I haven't been for Christmas since.
there was no help when we were together as soon as we split... all the help in the world. Thing is it's not help there is a price for it and it fucks with your head. I have been trying to claw my way out ever since. If i am with someone they need to realise the cost and never be in a position to go near them.
I could only get a flat with her as a guarantor if there was a spare room for when family 'visit' in 3 years my mum has been twice and the last time i kicked her out. The aim is to keep me under their thumb. No other family members have been down but i get endlessly guilt triped for not visiting despite the fact im the only one who doesn't drive.
During my dissertation i was told no one expected me to pass. So ... they basically wanted me to fail and go crawling back. There are very stressful times trying to get the work done these happen to be very opertunistic. Such as finding out my mum never had sole custody instead she spent years fucking my head over to keep me away from him and no my dad isn't a saint either. I basically have grown ass children for parents which i find challenging never mind someone else. You will get told shit at the worst point possible. It then magically disappears once your stressful event is finished. Honestly the best escape is work. Unless you're boss is wired the same way.
I finished my course... no well done or congratulations but i did have a lot of opertunistic fucking over. My mum going 'oh why don't you come back its safe up here now' i find out two months later she joined a committee that destroys professionals and strips your title. So ... what was meant by safe was i can fuck you over. Just take a moment and think of the planning and how long it took for her to manoeuvre into this position because it wasn't anything close to what she was doing.
While at uni she had to do her masters despite my younger brother struggling to get through gcse 'he will be fine he will sort it out'. He can barely read and write. But she had to beat me that was the important thing and for those thinking there is a limit there isn't. Ive seen what she has done to my dad who was made homeless for ten years.
I now have belittling and humiliating messages about the fact i can't drive because 'i didn't realise it was important' of course i did every time i got somewhere with it the rug was pulled from underneath me.
When i met the guy above i had very little contact. I am trying to get to the same point. So when someone asks why im single.....
Unless you want the parent in law from hell.
And it is hell. Turns out the Dom above knew i had been lied to about custody i only worked it out around this past year. She still can't comprehend what she did wrong.
God only knows how she would react if i found a husband. Poor fucking husband.
I'm putting this up on here just in case people wondering why I'm not responding. I have had an exceptionally busy week in vanilla land with life changes and it has caught up with me.
Im really tired.
I will respond but i need a few days.
So here i am, mouth slightly agape, mind blank with shock just been asked to do what?
'Come on, up on here'
For some reason my first thought is 'I don't think the table can hold my weight', I know it can but that worry is always there or rather can is withstand both of us, (the bed only has 3 slats that remain unbroken). I also don't understand why that is my first thought rather than 'cheeky bastard asking me to do what?'.
....
A few hours earlier...
Sat in the car, im fiddling with my keys. Im also very quiet. I either ramble or go completely silent when nervous. I can feel his eyes on me but i don't look up. What on earth am i doing? Me of all people meeting someone's parents. Oh dear god if they ever found out how i corrupted their son (he was Dom before i met him but these are my thoughts), im pretty sure he still has teeth marks on his ass from the night before. I focus on my keys... i can't even look at him nevermind his parents. Why oh why did it have to be Sunday dinner at home? At least i was kind enough to pick a restaurant in a public place.
We are getting close now, pulling up in the driveway. He tells me he got a text they will be arriving late. Oh thank god. I can grab a drink tea or alcohol i don't mind but my mouth is dry from nerves.
We arrive and he lets us in to their house. Rummaging in the fridge i hear a few things. Would you like tea, he asks? Yes i nodd. Ive never met patents before and we are staying all weekend. I look out the living room window waiting for a car to pull up. He says they will be an hour. I relax a little as he shows me around we go upstairs drop our stuff off. There may have been a 30min detour on the stairs.... i don't know why but having your hips pinned on the stairs is kinda awesome and you literally can't move so totally at his mercy. Each and every time you want any movement you end up begging for it... anyway
Anyway, i go to the bathroom trying to pretend that never happened because im trying my best to be girlfriend material and feel like im failing badly. I hear the car pull up think oh god what have i let myself in for while trying to remind myself other people's family's are sane. I look in the mirror and look okay and think remember Sunday school just pretend you're there and be polite.
I go back downstairs and meet his mum while his dad carries the shopping into the house. They are very welcoming and i feel like shit about earlier but i have to make a go of this and try not to let it bother me. M is smiling at me while they put the shopping away and i help get Sunday dinner ready (I have completely forgotten people do this on a Sunday, get together with family). I start to relax a little, it's been a while but i know how to do this. M comes over and asks is everything is okay. Roast goes in the oven and his mum goes to look for butter in the fridge only to find no butter. She announces they need to go back into town to get some and we have been left in charge of the roast.
Once they both get in the car and we hear it pull away M checks in with me. I've been a nervous wreck for two days leading up to this, i say it's going okay i think and that we seem to be getting on but i hope im doing okay because i have no idea.
.... At which point he just looks at me calmly with a slightly nervous smile on his face and tells me to get onto the table and lie down. Erm... what? I can't tell if he is being serious or joking so i check. He nodds and although looks slightly nervous says 'get up on the table'. I realise he is testing to see if i will follow his command and trust him after i said i would give most things a go once. Its not about what or when but if i will follow. This is not what i meant my brain has gone blank and im rooted to the spot wondering why my first thought is if the table can take the weight.
See the smile on his face, he thinks im too chicken shit and he won. (Continuation of raising the stakes thanks to poker). I either back out or try.... i have my safeword and i don't know what the end goal is so... im convinced the table won't take it for long so think what's the point. It won't happen and it won't be up to me. Besides his parents will be home soon.... he can't be serious
.....
So i walk over and follow the command to sit on the edge of the table, looking bewildered. 'Im not going to ask you again lie down and make sure you bum is over the edge'. Still me wondering what is going on while my brain doesn't seem to want to function, i lie down and shuffle to the edge half convinced that the table will tip over. (Im not heavy im but i am uncoordinated).
I don't know what he is doing and shuffle to see, besides the ceiling is boring. He is sat in the chair slightly amused just starting at me 'take your underwear off'. I go to move and sit up slightly 'erm what, no they are coming back'. Gently he pushes me down and says that's for him to think about not me, then comands 'down'. I can't explain it but i feel pinned to the table, i can't get up. I know he thinks he has won with that sumg smile on his face... im so annoyed at myself. What is happening right now. M in a rather bored tone says 'underwear off, if you don't take them off i will' .... oh god i don't like humiliation so as a last ditch effort to retain any semblance of will of dignity (lets face it both are gone) i remove my underwear at his request. I still have no idea what his plan is. Although im not tied down i might as well be i can't move as he pushes my legs open and i can feel his eyes on me, just sat there on the chair looking at me on full display (idiot i am) feeling incredibly vulnerable, all i want to do is pull my dress down and close my legs.
Slowly one hand glides up my thigh, kneading with his thumb as he goes, followed by little bite marks and kisses and then the other leg. I automatically reflex and go to sit up and move my legs as they tense when i realise, its not going to matter that the table can't take the weight because that's not the point and i start to panic. My head is only a few inches up off the table and my legs tensed and closing before i hear 'but im not finished, lie down' and feel a hand between my breasts gently pushing me back down. I swear to god all i could hear past that point was white noise.
The kisses and bite marks continued up my thighs. I can feel his arms snake around my thighs pinning my hips to the table and holding my legs open as my muscles tense up from the intensity. His tongue moving in rhythm and circles interspersed with sucking. All i want is to move my hips, i can't move, im completely at his control. Taking me to that point with his toung and leaving me then taking me back there. Finally my mind lets go my back arches. I feel for the neighbours at this point. All my muscles go stiff and then relax while the white noise fades out of my ears.
I lie there for a few moments until we hear the car in the driveway. I realise where I am again and immediately get up, tidy the table and put chairs back in place while M checks the chicken. It's almost done.
.....
M comes over and whispers 'see now you can relax', just before his parents come in. We are both setting the table. I sat there the rest of the meal in mostly silence after asking how things had gone for them that week, basically for anyone else to talk while im quietly thinking 'well it's not going to get weirder' and trying my best not to reply that episode in my mind over dinner.
I later realised he threw out the butter on purpose
Sat here, why am i here ? Im thinking to myself i hate bowling. Everyone always takes the piss out of me that i can't aim. They aren't wrong. My friend begged me to come so she doesn't move too fast with someone she likes.
So here i am getting the odd pin but on the whole missing. There is a group of us. Any time im not at the bottom of the score card is success when any kind of coordination is required.
Keeping an eye on the bowling, i notice the person bending over has some tight jeans on... for a split second i question if its one of the girls that i think looks good, those jeans are filled, round pert and firm. Slightly concerned i might be attracted to my friend that ive known for over a year but haven't found attractive before. 🙃
I quickly realised she isn't in jeans. All this happens in a split second. As the guy straightens up after bowling i realise i hadn't been attracted to a mans backside before and push the idea out of my mind... i must be loosing it. Four years later that ass is well... ;)
I go back to keeping score determined to not come last, despite this i still fail.
Someone else let's us know about a poker night that's taking place and offers us to join them, im relieved at the idea of not having to pretend to be coordinated literate and happily agree to any other kind of get together.
Later on we bring drinks and sweets to play poker with. I find out its cute bum guy who is hosting the event. I hear from his friends he is with someone and trying to make it work. I later find out they split up the night before. So his out of bounds for my pervted little mind and honesty.... this is so tame for a night out. I can't hook up with anyone here and not have to remember their name, never mind their phone number without having to bump into them. The things we do for friends. So... i settle into realizing that vodka is limited and try to focus on the game.
Up until this point i spent my time not in uni but work and any time off was travelling the uk to visit friends in uni and clubbing hammered off vodka waking up next to whoever was up for fun that night. Basically not girlfriend material. Really board but i soon discover poker is fun. Let's call cute bum guy M. Turns M is good at poker too. Who does this idiot think he is? So i raise to see how chicken shit he is.
My friend lost on purpose so she could go and chat the the guy she likes and dragged me along to be her wing woman again. So im left on my own in a random student night playing poker on guys night. I eventually win one of the rounds and get a drink. Have a chat to some of the other guys and wonder when we get to leave. On the way home my friend is really happy because it went well with the guy she likes and she got a proper date but it isn't for a while so we have to go back for another poker night.
I find i like poker and apparently i pass they guy code as im asked back. Turns out im a better player that some of them, fun night out story wise as well as poker. I continue my fuckapaides around the country and have fun. Winning at poker is fun, especially when it winds the other person up and they try and win next time sometimes they win too.
.....
A few months later i find myself on 'not a date' at the cinema. After sticking around for my friend she conveniently disappeared when i asked lol. It was not a date as i was adamant i don't do dates but the film looked good so....
.....
At some point there was a night out that involved tripple vodkas, a traffic cone, staying over in my friends. Fucking at the bottom of the stairs with a early 20s guy who was a farmer, yes had a six pack (we couldn't seem to get up the stairs and all the rooms were taken). He could lift me up :). It was a good night of what i can remember. Waking up at the bottom of the stairs in my friends house share topless with covers up to my waist and her housemate opening the door. Farmer guy (not M) was still asleep it was early and i needed to get to work. I put my jacket on, go use some toothpaste, fix my face and leave for the day. Farmer guy is still comatose at the bottom of the stairs.
This is why they liked me at poker night, these kinds of stories and scored i more than some of the guys. But its was like they finally had a woman they could ask any question too lol.
.....
This is a true story of how i met my last Dom and partner at poker night. Turns out not a date night guy won, not farmer guy.
His ass btw was perfect as he spent years fencing.
Next time i might have to explain how i met his parents.
.....
My latest escapades where in London with a very handsome Russian guy (that accent is amazing).
== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
94% Submissive
89% Rope bunny
83% Masochist
73% Experimentalist
73% Brat
61% Slave
60% Vanilla
44% Primal (Prey)
19% Switch
17% Non-monogamist
13% Voyeur
13% Pet
1% Exhibitionist
0% Ageplayer
0% Degradee
0% Boy/Girl
So ... i keep getting job offers for jobs i can't get to.
I accepted one recently thinking i could get there, realised i had the wrong address and no public transport goes to their new address.
The waiting list to book driving tests is ridiculous. Does anyone have any advice in this situation? I don't know what to do.
If only i could pick one... i love all of them, too many options. Its like vintage except its new x
https://ditavonteeselingerie.com
I automatically know there will be messages in my inbox after this, that's not my aim.
I've been single for awhile now, I can't remember the last time I was asked out by a guy because he liked me, rather than just looking for something on the side. Going on what you think is a date only to find out the guys married and is just looking for sex, is not a fun experience. No one likes to be treated as second best especially when you think you have been asked out on a date rather than propositioned. Ive pretty much completely given up at this point. It gets tiresome being on your own. Constantly having leftovers in the fridge because you're cooking for one. There's no reason to put makeup on in the morning. There's no one to sit down next to when you have dinner at night. You don't share anything about your day because there's no point. No one asks how your day went or even shows an interest. Even if it's just to look polite and ask. There is no one next to you before you go to sleep at night and every morning you wake up with no one to say hello to. There's no point in making breakfast it just creates washing up. The washing up you never do because there's no point in making the house look nice. They still want to ask for advice either or just ask how things are going.
I'm not sure if anybody else can understand but I'm exhausted. I don't want to have to do everything alone. I don't want to have to make all of the decisions. Do you know how nice it would be if i didnt have to decide what to cook tonight because someone else chose, sometimes by the time i decided what to cook I give up on cooking and just go to bed. What's the point it's not like there is anyone else waiting for dinner. The other week I had just eating porridge all week purely because I didn't have to pick anything.
If I put this up anywhere else I would be eviscerated for it. I don't want to have to make all the decisions by myself, it's exhausting. Im just very tired of it.