OK, time for some real talk, y'all.
I know some of you have mostly just read BDSM fiction, or bad twilight fanfic romanticising abuse (*cough* 50 shades *cough*) but I'm going to tell you about "real" subs, now.
Real subs are people who are, in some aspect of their life, in a kink context, submissive. That's it. That's what makes someone a real sub- they're submissive.
Anybody who is trying to sell you on how a "twoo" sub only acts, looks, speaks, etc a certain way is full of it. They are living in ego-driven fantasyland. Other people aren't real to them, not really. They want perfect projections of their desires, and they want to shame and punish anyone who doesn't please them, personally, in that way. Same goes for discussions of "twoo" dominants.
I mean, there are scammers and people who pretend to be into the lifestyle because they think it'll get them money or an easy lay. But that's not what we're really discussing here. What I'm talking about is people who claim that everyone around them is fake, doesn't know what they are doing, isn't Doing It Right(tm,) etc. These people are insecure, or lack the self-awareness to realize that other people are just as real as they are. They feel as much. Their desires are as valid. Ther personalities are as valid. What they want and how they are oriented, while different from what these people want, is just as valid.
These people might try to sell you on this whole idea, and that's kind of a means of isolating you, really. "don't trust these other people, don't play with them, don't communicate with them, only me." Scared of competition, maybe, or just such a fundamentalist that they cannot comprehend spectrums and variety in the lifestyle being OK.
This ALSO isn't about predators, whom we should absolutely warn one another about, and remove from our communities as well. This is about expecting and demanding subs (and doms, and switches, and kinky folks, etc) to only exhibit very specific personality traits at all times, and only behave in certain ways at all times.
So, all of that being said, here's the stereotype that irritates the shit out of me-
The low self-esteem mousy poster child for abuse with a personality like wet corrugated cardboard submissive stereotype. See, "50 shades."
Lemme clue you in on something- a hell of a lot of subs are high-power, in control people in other aspects of their lives. Certainly not all, but I'd say easily more than half are people who are often in control, in charge, and who have a lot of responsibilities. For many submissives, their time in d/s land is when they can rest, let go, drop their walls, and let somebody else be in charge for a while.
So please, understand.
*A submissive can be confident.
*A submissive can be assertive.
*A submissive can be an agressive person.
*A submissive can be intelligent.
*A submissive can be brave.
*A submissive can be strong.
*A submissive can be tall, athletic, slender, curvy, short, all of those things.
*A submissive can be a law enforcement officer, a district attorney, a politician, a CEO, a lawyer, a surgeon, a soldier, or any other profession. Goodness knows I had plenty of the above as clients when I was a pro domme.
*A submissive can be wealthy or poor or anything in between.
*A submissive can be able-bodied or disabled.
*A submissive can be any age, race, gender, religion, etc, etc.
OK, so actually, I am going to talk a bit about dom stereotypes, too.
*A dom can be an introvert in many aspects of their life.
*A dom can be a sensitive person.
*A dom can be shy. Things can change just as drastically in a scene with a dom as they can with a sub.
*A dom can be physically weak.
*A dom can work in the service industry, in a low-powered job, in a position where they are in charge of no one and others are in charge of them.
*A dom can be poor or wealthy or anything in between.
*A dom can be able-bodied or disabled.
*A dom can be any age, race, gender, religion, etc, etc.
*A dom can be gentle-natured, soft-spoken, and nonconfrontational.
*A dom can have any body type.
So when people tell me, "oh, you can't be a sub! You don't act like one," I can only think, "the fuck are you talking about?" The way I submit to those I choose to submit to, the way I interact with them, can be completely different from the way I interact with other people. I carry myself like a fighter, because that is what I am. I am social. I have strong opinions, which I express. I am very much a protector, and I enjoy teaching, mostly teaching other adults. I'm the one who kicks known predators out of the munch.
I'm not alone, either. In my local community, most of the subs are confident, strong-willed people. Whole people. People who know who they are and what they want in life. People who also take great joy in submission, in pleasing another, in power exchange and in willingly giving up control to a partner that they have given their consent to. We tell jokes, we laugh, we have fun. We are capable adults, fully able to be grown-ups in other aspects of our lives. Even the age-players. And those of us who are disabled and need an in-home caregiver? Those subs aren't passionless, mindless doormats, either. We are people, worthy of consideration and respect. It isn't up to you, rando person in the lifestyle that doesn't own us, to dictact who and what we are, or how we should behave.
Same goes for doms. There are people who are good at it and not so good at it, there are people who are more or less compatible with YOU, but someone doesn't have to act like they are freakin' Conan the Barbarian to "prove" that they are a dominant. They can be a quiet mostly shy geek. When they are in a scene with their partner, and they are in domspace, they may be entirely different- and hell, there are dynamics where quiet, mostly shy geek dom works GREAT for their sub.
So, ya know. Come off it. Don't assume somebody is or isn't what they say they are just because they aren't a stereotype from bad BDSM erotica.
