Hello, fellow kinksters!
After a number of unfortunate revelations over the years, and careful consideration, I've decided I am going to have some firm, universal policies in place for ANY new partner.
Now, I don't mean a bit of nonsexual pick-up play at the Citadel, here. A wee spanking session or what-have-you. I'm not often down for that, but if we are going to have deep, involved play, especially someplace private, we're going to have some discussions, and we are going to exchange some information. If this isn't acceptible to you, that's cool. No harm, no foul- I wish you luck in finding a partner who is right for you.
You might feel insulted by these rules. After all, *YOU* know what kind of person you are! But see... I don't yet. Even if I have known you for years, I might not, really. I've been bamboozled before, y'see, many a time. The only way to make it fair is to make these policies universal. Lots of people act offended because they ARE hiding something essential, and they try to guilt, bluster, bully, gaslight, and pressure their way out of revealing it. Maybe they have an STD. Maybe they have a wife at home. Maybe they are lying to a bunch of people about a bunch of things.
1. I'm gonna need to see some ID.
If I am going to trust you enough to blindfold me, tie me up, play with me, etc, etc, then I'm going to need more than your scene name. I'll show you my driver's license or passport if you'll show me yours! If we don't trust each other with our names, we probably shouldn't trust each other with deeply involved BDSM scenes or sex.
Yeah, I've actually had people lie to me about their entire identity. This way, barring fake IDs I guess, we both get to know the legal name of the other person. I'm not gonna do anything sinister with that.
2. I'm gonna need to see some current paperwork with your name on it and the dates of your STD testing if we are going to have sexual contact that has the risk of either of us contracting any diseases. We also need honest communication.
"I got tested baby, I'm clean!" Amazing how nobody in the scene ever has any STDs even though it's statistically impossible. Also amazing how many people don't realize what STDs are. Test results don't guarantee safety, but they do aid with risk assessment.
For example- have you ever had a cold sore? You have HSV1! This can be transferred to genitals, oh yes it can! This is an STD. This can shed asymptomatically. Chances are, most of us have been exposed. You will have to argue with your physician a bit to get the blood test for HSV, which will simply show if you have the antibodies or not. It may be that you have been exposed (you very very likely have) but have never had any symptoms. Maybe you also will never shed the virus, maybe it's not active in you and never has been. Then again, people can transfer it without having had symptoms. This is why you need to know, and need to be able to tell your partner- so they can assess the risk, and give informed consent. Lying about it or hiding it is super not cool. I bring this one up specifically because SO DAMNED MANY people don't realize that HSV1 can cause genital herpes sores. They will know they have HSV1, but they won't tell anybody. They will tell their partners they have no STDs when they have an STD. It's a betrayal of trust, though half the time it seems to come from complete ignorance. The CDC's website can give you plenty of information about it.
Do any of your partners have STDs? You might not have any symptoms yourself, so you feel you are safe- but don't make that decision for your other partners, or their partners! D I S C L O S E that shit. Make sure everyone can make informed decisions. Otherwise, you could fuck up someone's life without meaning to. You could seriously upset them.
Are you fluid bonded with anyone? Do you wear condoms, use gloves, dental dams, or not? With how many people? Yeah, we're gonna talk about that. Please be honest. I will.
3. If we are going to be in a relationship, I won't be your dirty little secret.
Cheating. I'm not about that.
A. Have a primary partner? Be honest about this. I will want to meet them. In person, or over video chat, at least, to verify that they do actually consent to you seeing me. They consent, but don't want to know who it is? Sorry, we aren't right for each other then. Maybe you are telling the truth, but I feel like you and your partner probably aren't really ready for the type of polyamory I practice if they cannot face the reality of it. Maybe you are like a number of partners I have had in the past, where I took their word for it but HEY GUESS WHAT? They were lying, and their partner didn't know about me or consent! That's cheating. It's complicated? Sorry about that, friend, I hope you and your partner work out the complications. You and I are not meant to be. I want to make sure people are giving informed consent, and that I am, too!
Plus, I've found that I feel a lot better about someone seeing my beloved once I've met them, and it is nice to feel respected. I've met many partners-of-partners who felt the same. Communication. It's pretty vital.
B. We are not gonna hide.
No, I don't need you to post "hey I fisted my wife AND my girlfriend" on your Great Aunt Maude's facebook page. But FFS, I'm really going to wonder if you won't ever go on a date with me, or go to a play party, munch, or kink event with me. Are you some powerful famous politician or some shit who must see me only in secret? Oh come on, no you're not, lawl. There is no need to us to hide from our own community if you are being on the level with me. Been there, done that, not gonna do it again, thanks. Kiss me at Wicked Grounds. Introduce me to some of your friends. I'll introduce you to some of mine. I won't be with anyone who is ashamed to be with me. I won't go through that shit again. I don't want any of my partners to feel like that, either. I'm not here to help someone cheat on anyone, and I'm not here to be someone's option that they can use when nothing they see as "better" is around. Nope! I will cherish you and be proud to be with you, and I will only do that if you feel the same.
C. It's totally fucking reasonable for us to know where the other lives, if we are involved, and be able to visit.
I can't ever come over at 7pm to watch a movie or have dinner? You can only meet me at a hotel during lunch time? Golly, I wonder why? Yeah, you're probably hiding something pretty big. If you don't trust me with knowing where you live, then our genitals probably shouldn't be commingling, either. I'm not saying I need your social security number and home address the first time we have coffee. In an actual relationship, or if we are regular play partners, even, we should be able to visit one another's homes.
Besides, making dinner together is fun! Also, visiting my place gives me motivation to clean it.
Let's be safe, and let's start out with a good, solid foundation of trust, respect, communication, and informed consent!
