My dear friends,
I regret to inform you that I am not doing well at all. 15 or so years ago I had back surgery that gave me back my life. I was able to do so many wonderful things and cake, take up horsemanship, martial arts, and Japanese tea ceremony as well.
Now it is time to pay the piper.
A few weeks ago as I was getting ready for a hot date with the wonderful Master Bjorn, I started to feel a painful twinge in my back beyond the normal aches and pains that come with chronic pain.
The date has been delayed due to extenuating circumstances, but by the time the rescheduled they came around I was in a lot of pain. At first I tried exercise, thinking it was a muscular issue, but it quickly became clear that it was more serious than that. Every moment I was sitting or standing or walking my nerve got crushed a little more. I believe it is a femoral nerve running down the front of my leg. The pain goes from my lower back through my pelvis around the front of my thigh/groin area, down my thigh and then around my knee. It feels like a giant hand is grouping my knee and my thigh and hip and crushing them while a knife digs into me.
The pain quickly became absolutely unbearable. The day before yesterday after I managed to get to the bathroom and back I was at a level 9 or 10 for about 4 hours of screaming and writhing and seizing up before I went into shock and eventually passed out.
The advice nurse wanted me to go to the ER as I was in danger of dying of a heart attack or going into serious shock and dying from it because of the pain. I also stopped being able to feel when my bladder was full. It's pretty serious stuff.
However I have an MRI schedule d for today at 5:30 and once I am admitted to the hospital they will not permit me to go to outpatient appointments. The next available MRI in central New York even on a stat order is in November. My x-ray showed some damage but it just isn't enough to really show us what's going on and give us a treatment pathway. Therefore I've been put on an insane amount of drugs to keep me alive until I can get the MRI. I'm not sure how in the hell I'm going to get through that MRI with this pain. I'm going to have to crawl to the table because I can no longer walk more than about 20 ft and I cannot sit so I cannot take a wheelchair.
I do not qualify for Medicaid and Medicare will not cover any medical transport except for an ambulance to the ER if I'm bleeding out, a severe trauma case, or going into severe shock. They don't consider anything else to be an emergency. I'm really hating my country right now I have to tell you.
Anyway I don't know what's going to happen or if I can get an effective nerve block or if they can treat this effectively. I may be bed bound and in pain for the rest of my life but I'm very much hoping not because I'm not done living yet. Shit like this is rarely Fair though and we do not live in a just world. What happens, happens we just have to deal with it as best we can.
I am so very grateful for my beloved Ashigeru and my dear friend phr3ak. Without my men I would not have survived this wrong. They have worked so hard to help me, and struggled with feeling helpless and having to be caretakers, but they have done everything for me without complaint.
I love them so much, and all of you, my dear friends. Never forget that I love you. I am not sure how much time I have left on this earth, but above all else, know that I love you, and that love will continue. May it warm you long after my body is cold.
With love,
-Ev
