The Rabbit Hole

I came to the bdsm community not really knowing why or what i wanted but my truth is i got what i needed and still need, not at all what i thought i was going to get... at all smh lol maybe someday ill tell my story but im still not even sure what its about exactly or who. I do know ive played a part in the show a main charecter really that is very slowly but yet still learning and healing. I dont know whats going to happen and i think i prefer not knowing because im starting to finally enjoy the journey. For the first time in my life i think i actually mean that. Not to say it isnt extremly painful at times even now as i write i feel the tears behind my eyes as these words feel a little bitter sweet for reasons of my own but like i said maybe someday will share. Thank you Uni.

P.s i just realized uni if said a certain way is you and I.... im weird lol but if you know you know😉

Sometimes I have the most random thoughts, which I'm sure is normal for humans, it's just that people  don't normally share them out loud to anyone. Well, i've never cared much for what other people normally do or don't do.  Anyways I was just laying here thinking about karma and how any time I've ever brought it up and question it, everyone answers with the same b.s. for example I think of the people I've known in my life and how abusive they were and how they did so many hurtful things to people and they had a nice home, money a partner they loved traveled lived a pretty good life and lived a long life. So where was karma for all those people? The usual answer is" well you weren't with them day and night you don't know what there life was really like or how they felt about themselves". What i have seen though  is  alot of bad things to people that don't deserve it at all. 

Maybe karma isn't real maybe life isn't about if your a good or bad person maybe it's about how ruthless of a player you are in the game at least that's what I've seen and have experienced in my short 40yrs of living. I don't think I've ever seen a player play good and fair and come out on top at any point during their game  or even near the end of it  but ofcourse people want to believe no matter what their eyes see or what life has shown them that playing the game nicely and being a good person always wins🤷‍♀️ I don't know, people say that but I've never seen it or have I ever in my own life  experienced it. 

P.s My thinking always sounds more interesting and intelligent in my head smh 🙄 lol don't judge me.

Sometimes I don't know where I am, now I know this may sound crazy but I assure you I'm not crazy but THIS is or maybe I am lol. Which happened first I do not know or if it happened at all. So this is only a bit of my rabbit hole. If you know you know😉🤷‍♀️

A little peek at my hearts truth...

This song is just beautiful. 

In about a week it will be 9yrs since my husband passed away. He was 32yrs old and had been hit by a train while riding his motorcycle. I no longer grief him I already did that the first 6yrs but tonight the tears are unstoppable as thoughts of all the things I miss about him being here. Maybe it's a relationship in general that I'm missing. I feel this emptiness in the pit of my stomach that is normally not there. It feels like loneliness like a complete void and I can actually feel it physically. I've been single 9yrs and I'm coming to accept that maybe I always will be at this time in my life I really thought I wanted to be single so I don't date at all. Honestly I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone at least not yet not for the type of man/Dom/switch i want. I feel I need to become a better version of myself first but at the same time life is to short and if the person was right for me wouldn't he see who I am and that I'm trying to make changes in myself and want me even during a time of growth? Oh boy lol my mind is just all over the place tonight. I know this isn't bdsm talk but I needed to get this off my chest needed to tell someone what I'm going through tonight. I know these feelings will pass but I do miss that type of connection you have with a lover alot of the time and.....I do miss him.

Thank you for always letting me ramble you beautiful people ❤ 

I've always felt that when the universe intervenes no matter what that looks like it's doing for me because I can't see for myself. Whether it be because something bad was going to happen or I was about to surround myself around people or a person not good for me. Although it breaks my heart sometimes or hurts my feelings I know the universe wants only the best for me and I'm not always good at choosing that for myself.

It's just that sometimes I think haven't I been hurt enough but maybe things would have been worse I don't really know...

This time yes my feelings are pretty damn hurt but I'm still thankful for the short time I got to learn a little more about this community from a few people in the lifestyle.So thank you anyway I really did appreciate the help.

I promised myself when I decided to start this blog that no matter who could possibly read it and use my words to hurt me that I would share my souls truth and be as transparent as I possibly can. So for Thanksgiving this is my truth.

I read so many beautiful post on here about subs and doms being thankful for eachother and as I read I cried. Cried because there were some beautiful stories and cried because I couldn't relate and cried because I fear I may never be able to. Now I know that life is not just about finding love in another but it's possibly more about learning to love myself and that is something I'm very slowly learning to do at this time in my life. Sofar I've come to love myself enough to change unhealthy repeated cycles and to change myself so that I feel I'm worth relationships that aren't toxic and will never again feel I'm only worth abusive relationships.

I spoke to a couple doms that spoke of love, taking care of and always protecting their subs. It brought tears to my eyes wondering how good it must feel to their subs to be cared for and protected. Also I realized their are men/doms out there that actually love the woman their with.

My point is although there's more to life than being in a romantic relationship I do have hope that maybe someday the universe will allow me to experience what others have and if not in this life maybe my next but you guys.... I have enough love in my heart to give away in this on, I really do.

Oh yes almost forgot. I'm so thankful for all of you that are showing and teaching me what healthy relationships are and what they look like. Also grateful for the people on here that are helping me to become the woman Ive always wanted to be. So grateful for all of you💋💞