I’ve spoken to subs in the past who have expressed feeling bad when they use their safe-word or just aren’t up for being in sub-mode. One person told me she feels like “a bad sub” when she doesn’t want to or can’t do something her dom wants. It always bothers me when I hear things like this.
For reasons that should go without saying, no sub should ever feel bad for using their safe-word or feel uncomfortable expressing their feelings or reservations about their dynamic or what is being asked of them. It’s unhealthy and dangerous for the sub. Further, it’s not fair to the dom. I can’t be a good dom if my sub isn’t communicating with me or if I’m unsure of her limits or how she’s feeling.
I always emphasize to potential partners that I want them to feel comfortable being honest with me. I want to know their limits and they shouldn’t feel bad for having them. I expect them to safe-word whenever necessary and it does not make them a bad sub. However, I know some subs still struggle with this. So, I thought it may help to put these principles into writing and make them official rules. A sub can’t feel bad for using their safe-word or setting limits if there are rules that require it, right? With that in mind, I put together a set of hypothetical rules for a sub that emphasize the importance of respecting their limits and protecting their personal well-being. I think I would want to incorporate something like this into my next D/s relationship.
My hope is that a framework like this would make a sub more comfortable establishing limits and expressing concerns.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Core Rules: These rules are not subject to change. They are [insert sub’s name] most serious rules. If any other rule or command conflicts with one of these rules it will be overridden by the core rule.
1. [Sub] will use her safe-word whenever she is uncomfortable or unable to
perform a task.
2. [Sub] will always be honest about and share her thoughts and feelings
about D/s and our relationship.
3. [Sub’s] wellbeing (physical, psychological, and emotional) is the top
priority and [sub] will immediately report if anything is threatening her
wellbeing.
4. Relationships with friends and family and [sub’s] social life will not be
compromised by D/s. [Sub] will report if any rule or command interferes
with these relationships so it can be changed.
5. [Sub’s] career/education is a top priority. [Sub] will report if any rule or
command interferes with her success in this areas.
