I know I generally use this space to talk more academically about kink (and occasionally write erotica) but, for this post I just want to share something that's been on my mind and vent a little. Standard disclaimers apply: these are my thoughts based on my experiences. This is not meant to suggest that these experiences and feelings are the only correct ones or to imply that other experiences and feelings are less important. Just sharing my thoughts through my own personal lens.
I often have a weird concern as I date and try to find a partner that shares my love of D/s. Perhaps this is needless worrying (I do have a tendency to overthink things) but I find I can't help it. I often worry if I come off as "dominant enough" to potential partners.
There are a couple pieces to this. First of all, I know I don't come off as particularly kinky or dominant in my everyday life. I suspect friends and colleagues would be shocked to know the things I'm into. Personally, I like it this way. I've never been the "alpha-male" type and, outside the classroom, I don't try to project dominance or authority. I like the fact that my dominance is reserved for my significant other. I see a lot of memes about how submission is a gift that a sub only shares with her dom. I have similar feelings about my dominance. It is a role and responsibility I adopt within a special relationship, not something I constantly project to everyone around me.
Second, I absolutely want to avoid overstepping or being too forward with a potential partner (especially in the early stages of dating). While the ultimate goal is to find a partner that gives power to me; until that if officially established, I want to treat any potential dates the way I would treat anyone else, as an equal in every sense. As such, I'm reluctant to take charge too much when it comes to planning a date or steering a conversation.
Further contributing to my reluctance to be too forward is the nature of online dating itself and dating within the kink community in particular. Online dating can be an intimidating thing and you encounter a lot of scumbags. Within the world of kink, I'm aware of the horror stories that you hear far too often about people (mostly men is the sense I get) claiming to be doms and using that as an excuse to be pushy, rude, sexist, threatening, etc. More than anything, I don't want anyone to think I'm one of those guys. Thus, I avoid being being too forward or coming on too strong.
Now, none of these things would be an issue with online dating in general. I'm happy to take a relaxed, laid-back approach. I want my potential partner and myself to take time to get to know each other and find out if we're compatible in non-kink ways. However, I also know my potential partner is looking for a dom as well as a boyfriend just like I'm looking for a sub as well as a girlfriend. So, I find myself worrying that I don't come off as dominant enough in my interactions. I find myself worrying that the person I'm talking to will like me as a person but have reservations about my desire to be a dom.
I also wonder if submissives have comparable concerns (would love to hear from s-types about this). Do subs feel pressure to simultaneously signal submissiveness (or a desire to submit to the right person) while also asserting their independence and total equality until they have chosen to submit? Do subs worry that taking the lead in conversation or taking the initiative and asking the other person out will call their submissiveness into question?
I don't really have an answer to any of this. I'm still feeling my way through. As with most things, I think clear communication is the best way to overcome this obstacle but it's still a challenge that I'm figuring out.
---Alright, I can't resist slipping a little academia into this. Signaling capabilities and intentions seems to be a core part of human and animal interactions. Natural selection seems to regularly favor creatures that can successfully signal fitness or danger (whether real or not). A rattlesnake's rattle or poison tree frog's bright colors signal very real danger and deter attack. Other, completely harmless, animals display similar bright colors to signal danger where none actually exists. Sadly there doesn't appear to be a reliable signal for dominance or submission when it comes to dating. Any potential signal could easily be misinterpreted. Further, abusers and scumbags muddy the waters by trying to send the same dominance signals. Like carnivorous plants or anglerfish, they attempt to mask the danger they pose by sending false signals to lure in victims. As long as there are abusive individuals who mask their abuse with kink, it will be difficult to signal true dominance without risking being mistaken for one of the bad guys.
Perhaps a more apt analogy comes from International Relations. A great deal of research in the field deals with how countries can signal their intentions and capabilities for the purposes of deterring attack or promoting cooperation. Given the dangers of war and the fear all leaders have of being caught off guard, is it possible for rivals to mutually disarm and cooperate with one another even if both sides truly want to? Can each side overcome fear and mistrust and work towards peace? How can a leader signal to their counterpart that they truly want to cooperate? It would seem D/s daters face similar challenges. Given the challenges and risks inherent to dating, how can trust be built between two people who don't know one another's intentions to begin with? How can both parties reliably signal their true indentions and accurately interpret the signals of the other? Again, ongoing communication would seem to be the key. That or offering to withdraw a tank division from your date's borders but that's a logistical nightmare.
