Note: This isn't kink related. I wrote this a year ago after a breakup and now I'm up for sharing it.
I recently got out of a serious relationship. I was certain it was going to lead to kids and marriage. Now it's over. It ended the way Hemingway said one goes bankrupt, "gradually, then suddenly." When the official end came I wasn't exactly surprised. We had both been frustrated and unhappy for a while and I think we were both wondering if the relationship could survive. Still, I was shocked on some level when the end finally came.
It was more or less mutual (I had been willing to give it one more shot but understood her desire to end it and agreed it was likely for the best). Still, I was distraught for a time after. There was some level of relief to have closure and to be able to move on but I was still deeply sad about it. I've been wondering why for a while.
I think a large part of it was the realization that a future I had been looking forward to was gone forever. I can look back fondly at the good times, even though they're gone now. I can be happy that we both are moving on and happier in the present. But letting go of the future I thought we'd have is much more difficult.
When you begin a serious relationship with someone, you begin to build a whole future in your mind. The things you'll do, the love you'll share. A home, kids, vacations, whatever you want in life. That imagined future becomes a part of the relationship. When it ends, you're not just losing that person (they may even remain in your life) but that future you thought you'd share.
In some ways, I think it's similar to experiencing the death of a loved one. Years ago, when my father died, I spent a lot of time thinking about the experiences we wouldn't share. The events he wouldn't be there for. Obviously, the end of a relationship doesn't compare to losing a loved one. Still, the feelings are similar.
You don't just mourn for the person you've lost, you mourn for the future that will never be.
