I periodically see comments here and on other kink-sites that indicate some people harbor antipathy for brats and that brats get a lot of hate. I have no idea just how common this is but I get the sense, anecdotally, that it’s not exactly uncommon. Brats face charges of “not being true subs” and being too much work. These accusations are, of course, not true but I wanted to think about where these ideas come from. In part, I think it’s a matter of misunderstanding and ambiguous use of language.
I should lead by acknowledging my biases. I’m a fan of brats. I don’t necessarily need that element in a dynamic but I do enjoy it and appreciate brats and brattiness. I should also acknowledge that sometimes the problem is that one or both people in a dynamic are toxic in some way. Some toxic dom/dommes will use “bratty” in the same way they use “topping from the bottom.” As an accusation to discourage a sub from setting limits or expressing desires. Likewise, some toxic subs will use “bratty” to excuse the pushing of buttons that they know they shouldn’t push (subs can cross lines and violate limits too). Incidents arising from these sorts of dynamics can get dragged into, and complicate, the discussion of brats. Putting aside this sort of behavior however, I think the problem is often one of misunderstanding.
Like so many issues in relationships, problems often come from miscommunication or a misunderstanding of what both parties want and expect. I think the problem is that some dom/dommes begin seeing a brat expecting that they will eventually overcome their bratty nature. The belief is that they will transform the brat into an obedient submissive. It doesn’t help that the standard term we use as the counterpart to brat is “brat tamer.” The term implies that the brat will be tamed. I suspect most brats don’t see things that way.
I can’t say that no sub wants something like that; to resist at first but be overcome and permanently transformed into a non-brat. I don’t think that’s the norm, though. Most brats have no intention of ever not being brats. It’s a core part of their submissive identity and why they adopt the title. When they say they want to be tamed, they mean temporarily. There is no permanent taming of a brat. What you see in the beginning is what you’ll get further down the road. Seeing a brat is taking on the task of continually facing and overcoming resistance. For some of us, that’s the fun. For some, it’s not what they thought they were signing up for.
I think this is where a lot of these accusations come from. Some dom/dommes, misunderstanding what a brat is and wants, go in believing they will eventually get a traditional sub. When they don’t, they conclude the brat isn’t a true sub or is making them work too hard. If they were a true sub, why would they continue to resist? Misunderstanding the situation, they shift the blame to the other person.
So, what’s the solution? Like most relationship issues, clearer communication and analysis of one’s own wants and needs is vital. Dom/Dommes that think they want a brat should ask themselves if that’s what they really want. Brats should be sure to ask potential partners this question and make sure they understand that the brattiness will not be going away in the future. Finally, it may help to change our terminology a bit. Again, “brat tamer” isn’t quite accurate and can give a false impression. As an alternative, I would propose “brat wrangler.” You can wrangle a brat. You never truly tame one.
