What’s wrong with me?

5 months ago. November 8, 2023 at 11:05 AM

I think I have to start with telling that I have a really bad anxiety and a mild depression and sometimes it’s really tough to deal with it. And I never had a relationship never had a boyfriend. Never had sex, just foreplay one time so yeah that’s me. It’s really embarrassing and miserable but I think someone here can understand me in some way and maybe someone will make fun of me and it’s okay, I understand that, I mean, 25 years old.
Anyway, I like older man and I think that’s okay because I want someone who can take cares of me and guide and not a childish boy you know.

I was talking to a man and he was nice with me I think, maybe to concentrate on sexual thing (nothing wrong with that) and then he told me I want to come in your city. And I told him about my anxiety.. we talked more and then he booked here and after a few hours after telling me I freaked out and told him to cancel because I wasn’t ready and I was sorry. And I’m still sorry because I feel guilty for being like this.

He answered like : “Of course I stop here. At some point virtual orgasms have to give way to reality. Always available to chat and, if you need some bdsm advice, you can count on me. But you will understand that I will turn my attention to other people in time.“

I cried.

Habardr(dom male) - Sorry to hear you're going through all that. I've suffered from depression in my life, so I can understand and sympathise.

I was also very shy and unsure if myself in my youth. While there's no expiration date on sexual awakening, I know that being a late bloomer can feel awful. It feels like there must be something wrong with how you're made, or even just that you're missing out.

None of that is true, though. There's nothing wrong with you and you're not missing out on anything that you won't eventually find for yourself.

I know it sounds trite, but the right person will wait until you are ready.

5 months ago

Beaa - Thank you for your kindness🥰 Almost made me cry

5 months ago

Max Heathen(other male) - I am drawn to anxiety like predators to prey... I love that shit! Yes it's annoying AF when anxiety becomes paralyzing but most of that is fear on top of the anxiety... Making the anxiety worse 😂.
The best advice I can give is from personal experience. I dated a girl I called TR... Short for trembling Rabbit. The only time she didn't shake and jerk was right after a good boom ;)
Anyways she was dying, I knew that going in. Perhaps that was where she got her courage to be with me. Long story short (it's a blog if ya want the full story) she was on my porch, wrapped around my legs, snot grovelling in the most pathetic display of self degradation begging me to keep her. What got her inside my door wasn't mercy, sympathy or compassion for her situation... She said "I don't want to die like this..." Followed by how she wanted to be loved... The kind that would consume her. She want to die knowing for one time in her life, she was good enough to be what "he" needed.
Now mind you, it took her 3 tries and nearly 20min to get it out and by that time I was hella aroused and slightly humored. BUT it was 6mo in 53yrs of this fleshes existence that I remember every day.
In your situation, maybe act like you're dying... Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is being afraid while pushing through it anyways. There wasn't a moment that TR wasn't afraid and riddled with anxiety. I ate that shit up like peanut butter and chocolate! Yet, I gave no sympathy, no compassion for her plight...but... That's what she wanted. No remorse, no regrets, no limits due to her ailments or fears.
Perhaps this insight helps. Perhaps not. Your anxiety owns you or you own your anxiety... What are you willing to face to have what you desire? I think that we value breath, more than we value life but that's just my 2 cents. You aren't broken, in my eyes. Just afraid

5 months ago

Umberlee(sub female){Aiden} - Ok let me say this, while you have anxiety and you can seek treatment, a D type that pushes for RL with someone who isn't ready is a real piece of work. There are two ways to do this, the tough love approach or the guiding approach. Strangely some people need both. All I can say is give yourself grace to work through these things. The COVID world has made anxiety seem common place; the experience can seem trivial by people who don't deal with this because it seems like everyone is dealing with some kind of anxiousness right now. The D type in your blog drew his line in the sand. It was his call and it informs on him as much as it does on you. You may just find that there are some that are willing to walk the path with you and not make you walk to them. I think some of us can be the strongest women ever if there is someone to tell us we are. Here's your reminder, you got this, one step at a time, breathe and take this adventure slowly. Do NOT let some one push you, it is why we do consent and safe words.

5 months ago

Sir Sylvain(dom female) - Nothing is wrong with you. Anyone, --ANYONE--who is pushing you into an IRL experience without your express and clear consent isn't someone you necessarily want around you. In this case, your anxiety may very well have saved you; either physically, emotionally and/or mentally. And a D-type who essentially throws a mini fit by saying "welp you aren't giving me what I want so I'm moving on" isn't a responsible, safe D-type, unless the "D" stand for Dick.

Outside of this, there is STILL nothing wrong with you.
When it's right (and I mean in anything in life) you'll know. Your anxiety may not be gone completely, but that voice that screams may just be a whisper instead.

5 months ago

You must be registered and signed in to comment

Register Sign in