Thoughts on a cloud

K y i v - If your ex has nothing good to say about you. Maybe that is the best reference of all?

Heero​(dom male) - In my view, it would be less a matter if they can say something good and more a matter if they would want to and if they can be unbiased in doing so. And would they even want to play a part in you getting your next partner? It is easy to me to envision two generally amazing people, who were just on different paths and broke up for that reason still not able to be or willing to be references for each other.

Moonlighter​(dom male) - This is true, and I do not claim perfection however there is the other viewpoint that some of your previous partners may have been toxic, I'll give you 2 real life examples.

1) We'll call her Alison, Alison decided to spend aroudn3 months playing away with a new boyfriend before she broke up with me and then upon breaking up with me claimed that my younger brother was trying to infect her family with autism and she quote "didn't want THAT, in her life, in her future or in her family."

2) We'll call her Greta, when Greta broke up with me after my aforementioned brothers passing, she didn't want to deal with me grieving, she began seeing someone else (this time having already broken up with me) BUT, as we drove to the flat we used to share to empty it out, I got to spend 4 hours listening to her tell me about how amazing the sex with her new boyfriend was from the night before.

Now you are correct that maybe having nothing good to say is a warning sign, but as Heero points out I would not ask either of these women to give me an unbiased review nor I them. So its a swings and roundabouts thing I have some exes I still get on with but I still wouldn't ask them to vouch for my sex life lol

I'mME - When did this turn to eople vouching for someone's sexual prowness. I may have missed this part.
I thought y'all were talking about references on character.

My bad.

Moonlighter​(dom male) - @I'mME, I'm more pointing out that my relationships are in general quite private, and that even if I get on with ex's I wouldn't want them to meet the new partner ... seems somewhat like showing off, the original point of the blog was more humour at the idea of Kink CVs and promote discussion.

And I'm not talking about them vouching for my prowess either, I was pointing out that it would be easy (especially in kink) for someone to word things in a way that could make you look very bad very quickly. The two examples I mentioned don't like me at all there are others who do, but I would still be uncomfortable introducing my ex to my new partner.

Does that make sense or are we still talking crossed purposes?

I'mME - No crossed here.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - An upstanding submissive may say something like, "I'm sorry but because of my own feelings in the situation, I can't provide an unbiased vett and that wouldn't be fair."

Heero​(dom male) - @SirsBabyDoll, I agree with you. But even this, I see very few subs being upstanding in this way. I can also imagine a sub, being a generally upstanding person, who simply would not want any part of this.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Maybe it's just me because those are pretty much the words I said to a sub who came asking me. I did give her advice on what works with him. They are still together a year later. *Shrugs*

Heero​(dom male) - This is an intriguing and interesting idea. But vetting/selecting a partner for a dynamic is, in some very significant ways, very different from vetting/selecting an employee for a job. At first thought, I can't see a way to make this practical for this purpose. And outside of people who are poly with a strong sense of compersion towards current and past partners, I can't imagine this not backfiring for a large number of people. But maybe there is a tweak to this idea that could work.

I'mME - There are plenty of Doms who have subs that would vet for them. That's why IT IS a thing.
There are also people who have play partners who would vet.

I am not advocating for or against.

But it is a definite thing.

I would caution in another similar area. Some people will mention a well known person whether it is in the area, or someone that speaks, does classes , as knowing them. That does not mean that they do know them, so maybe a 1u3seion or two .

Let me put the ham on the table.

People lie , they lie about their age, they lie about being married, they lie about their weight, they lie about being happy, they lie about lying.

The key to not bring caught up in someone's lies (role is not important) is to be MINDFUL. Listen carefully, compare actions to words, and do not be afraid to clarify.

Heero​(dom male) - The thing being discussed here is a "kink CV". I know vetting is a thing, and there are cases where subs would give references. But this being done like a job interview where resumes are submitted and references to contact are listed is not a common thing as far as I know. And yes, regardless of references, one needs to do their own due diligence and pay attention to red flags. And just because all previous subs like some Dom, doesn't mean he will necessarily be right for you. All this is aside from the topic at hand though, which is the concept of a kink CV.

I'mME - Vetting-
the process of investigating someone thoroughly, especially in order to ensure that they are suitable for a job requiring secrecy, loyalty, or trustworthiness:

I'mME - Compersion towards past and present partners. I do not think this is a accurate representation of poly......

Heero​(dom male) - I never said it was. I am also not really defining anything. I was merely stating an example of the kind of person who would possibly be ok with the idea. Just to give an idea of how rare such a person is.

Sunshinegirl​(sub female) - I played with a Dom from this site a few years back who willingly gave me references, and they all checked out. However, he was very serious about his craft and involved in the BDSM community so it might be easier for him to get references vs someone who’s not involved in the community.
I think this is a case-by-case situation. I’d ask depending on the situation and Dom.
Also, yea, you don’t really see d’s asking s for references at the same rate that s ask for d’s references because…the Dom isn’t the one handcuffed, blindfolded, and at the mercy of someone else.

I'mME - Lol, exactly. But I wouldn't be handcuffed or tied until later down the road. Feel me?

Moonlighter​(dom male) - Also sunshine brings up a point, I don't think Doms/Dommes often ask for references ... should they? We can all agree that you NEED to know who you are playing with.

Heero​(dom male) - If this is a thing, I would think it would be less necessary for Doms/Dommes to do it. For one, they are the ones more in power and would not necessarily base their training on that of previous Doms/Dommes, so they have other ways of vetting that a sub might not have access to. It is also quite common for Doms/Dommes to take on new subs who would not have such references (I would guess this is less common the other way around--an experienced sub looking for a newbie Dom/Domme). But yes, both sides should know enough about their partner.

I'mME - Whom would be a submissives reference if they were new, married/widowed?