Freedom within slavery... The journey to me.

Hey everyone, I'm going to try this right here from the cuff 

For so many, the lifestyle is about kinky fuckery (which is always fun).

But for some of us it is simply who we are and the only true way we know how to live and be happy and fulfilled.

For myself as a slave, I crave purpose, and meaning. To be of service to another, a valuable possession, a vital part of their life. A place no one other than myself could fill. 

I can this conclusion when I had the honor of serving in a dual dynamic. A Master and a Mistress. As it was purely domestic, I will have to say it was the most freeing, nuturing, and fulfilling dynamic I have ever been in.

I was tasked with training other slaves that came into the house. I kept up with the house's social media. The house calendar and was Ma'am right hand slave. 

I can remember times in Walmart me yelling "Mistress where are you" she would blush and say right here girl..

In her care I learned to except my body, and to embrace the beauty that was me. No longer hiding behind oversized clothes.

Even though in the beginning I HATED IT, I felt I looked like a sausage. 

I started watching my language. 

I became everything she said I was. 

When the dynamic came apart. It was not my failure as Master and Mistress separated and I simply couldn't choose between the two. I had collared to the house and loved them both. 

I was granted release.

Now on the flip side.

My Ma'am had told me she had never been served with love and devotion I have given her and Master. The loyalty I had.

That it gave her peace and purpose to have my entire life in their hands. 

See that is the Dance of the Dominant and the Submissive or The Power Exchange between a Master and slave.

 

Enjoy your journey. Grow and learn from each other. Remember it's YOURS..and it's beautiful..

Keep Love and Respect in the Lifestyle

 

Respectfully

slave Draconica

I am done posting for a while. I'm sorry, but every blog I post is suspended. Which saddens me. As I thought this was going to be an amazing place to interact with others and grow. 

 

I see now it is just a fun way to piss someone off.

Have fun with that. Some of us are grown. I'm not going to entertain this Any longer..

 

Respectfully,

 

slave Draconica

 

I try to post things to help within our community. So many of you have reached out and showed me so much love and support. Please know I am trying. However, for some reason they keep being reported. 

No matter how frustrating it gets. Please know I will continue to try. 

Even though it does get very disheartening. As I have not posted anything that could have been deamed inappropriate. 

 

Love you all.

slave Draconica

Submissive Predators

by Mistress Amirah and Dragon
Recently, on another list I am on someone entered another of the Zillion posts about predatory dominants. When I saw it I thought "Oh no, not again, doesn't anyone ever consider the submissive capable of being a predator too?" Well, to my surprise, someone did and, so, I added my two cents. I am re-posting our comments here to see what kind of reaction some of you may have to them.
Just because a person is submissive, that doesn't free them of all responsibility in a relationship. Each of U/us can only be responsible for O/our own actions and personal safety. It takes two to tango and the submissive is every bit as responsible as the Dominant for the safety and success of the relationship.
I just have to wonder about all these repeated posts about the evils of "dominant predators." Is this a cry for help? What about the "submissive predators?" The ones who claim this that and the other yet deliver nothing? The ones who lead you down the merry path then disappear? The ones who sound so good online then when they show up on your doorstep, you realize their picture is a few years out of date (maybe 10??) and that they aren't submissive and when you finally ask them to leave (politely, of course, you don't want to hurt their feelings) they just smirk at you and reply "Well, at least I got a free vacation."
Any time you open up to another person, you run the risk of being hurt. That's the danger of forming personal relationships. But if we ran around in a state of constant paranoia (remember, you've got those Hunters, Hijackers, and Scavengers out there all 'round...) then we would never be able to get to know anyone.
I can only hope that all of us have the good sense to take the time to get to know a person before making commitments. It saves a lot of heartache and pain in the end. When we do make mistakes, and being humans we WILL make mistakes, I can only hope we learn from them.
Be well!
Mistress Amirah
I'm glad to see this subject come up. I think the reason virtually all of the discussions about predators revolves around dominants is because these discussions are almost always instigated by and responded to by the submissive and/or newbie dominants. Also, the predatory dominants will often start or support this topic as a "cover" for themselves.
The prevailing attitude in D/s & BDSM is that ALL of the responsibility lies upon the dominant and Amirah makes a good point on this. We long/real-time Dominants have contributed a great deal to this attitude because the first thing a new submissive hears from us is a warning about predatory dominants. This is as it should be, however, we, most often, fail to follow that up with educating them about their responsibilities. The sad fact is, too, that newbies tend not to listen or accept advice. Their new found acceptance of their submissiveness generates such an urgent desire to subjugate themselves to another that it seems to override good judgment or any thought of responsibility or consequences in the relationship.
New dominants are even less inclined to accept advice or fundamental education. Especially the males. Too many come here with the wrong motivation, viewing this lifestyle as a playground where they can "get away" with behavior not acceptable in the vanilla world. They quickly pick up the language, ordain themselves experienced Masters, and take advantage of the situation giving no thought to the responsibilities. By failing first to learn the basic concepts, they continue the vanilla habit of subterfuge and become (however unintentional) predators themselves inflicting emotional, psychological, and, in some instances, physical damage.
Now, before the phone starts ringing and my E-mail box goes into overload, I am not saying that all new dominants and submissives are stupid or bad people. What I am saying, is that they are simply rushing, in their enthusiasm, past the basic math and jumping into algebra. They must first learn why 1 + 1 = 2 before they are ready for the complicated equations of this lifestyle. The intensity level is so high here that it compounds every problem and causes reactions to be volcanic, both good and bad.
The drive to be submissive is just as impelling as the drive to be dominant. They want what they want too. If they do not get it they may manipulate, instigate, or deceive. The newbie dominants perception of the submissive being weak is a common fault. In many ways, it takes a stronger person to be submissive. It requires enormous courage to turn control of your life over to another. The submissive is equally capable of rage and/or retaliation when they feel mistreated or are denied that which they want. Because they give up so much in the relationship, they are filled with the high octane fuel of righteousness in their quest for vindication or revenge. From my own experiences, an angry submissive is far more dangerous than a pissed off dominant. We have seen submissives destroy the dominant's reputations with lies and stalking. Sometimes, for no other reason than rejection. "If I can't have him/her, nobody will." The vast majority of outings have been caused by submissives. Submissives attack each other regarding their, or, available dominants. Rarely do dominants behave so.
I am acutely aware that I have a dominants point of view, but, in the more years, than I care to admit, my observation is that submissives are far more predatory than dominants. The most amazing thing to me, however, is that while "bad dominants" are invariably ostracized the "bad submissives" remain. The logic of this escapes me. Their predatory actions may be less physical and, therefore, lower profile, but, they are, in some cases, more damaging, long-term. No matter how undeserved, a "bad rep" never completely goes away. An outing can destroy lives forever.
The foregoing is only my viewpoint, not presented as fact, nor directed at any individual.
DRAGON

What Do I Need From My Dominant?

by Jade Richardson 1997
“This was originally started to be a guideline for submissives but in retrospect I think it may better serve the Dominants who may happen to land here. Perhaps it may provide some insight to both sides of the equation.” – Jade Richardson

I Want vs. I Need
We often confuse these two things: I want and I need. Although they may seem to be the same at first glance, there is a huge difference in the two. We want a lot of things in life; money, new cars, a beautiful home, success, and hot fudge sundaes, just to name a few, but how many of them do we really need? Very often the things we want are not always things that are the best for us and are usually self-indulgent wishes that change as fast as the top ten hits on VH1. “Needs” are a different situation. They are the fundamentals we require to remain mentally and physically healthy and allow us to grow spiritually and emotionally. I may really want a hot fudge sundae but survive quite well without it (I know that’s hard to believe for any of you who know me.) but I cannot thrive without my basic needs being met. We’ve had many encounters with unhappy submissives who bemoan the fact their Dominant does not give them what they need. As we listen to the list of complaints we sometimes find a lot of “wants” mixed in with a few valid “needs” in the charges against their Dominant. Sorting them out isn’t always easy for either the submissive or Dominant in a relationship. Each person is unique and comes with their own special requirements. Without a doubt, this is one area that requires communication skills and time before either party can confidently determine what they want or need from the other. The Submissive Owner’s Manual may help you to understand some of the complexities of the Dominant/submissive relationship.
Submissive Owner’s Manual
I need to feel safe. Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I’ve given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.
I need to know You accept me for all I am
I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society. I need to have clearly defined limits . I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.
I need You to be consistent
I need to know You mean what You say and that today’s rules will apply to tomorrow’s behaviour. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You’ve given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You’ve chosen for me. It’s not done to try Your patience but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it’s not done consciously and I promise I’ll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.
I need to expand my limits
I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I’ll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I’ve been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I’m unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.
I need You to teach me
I need to learn and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.
I need goals
Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction I quickly become lost so I’ll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive.
I need to be corrected
I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I’ve made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You’ve set for me.
I need You to be my role-model
I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviours on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly pattern myself in Your image so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as face Your own challenges and daily activities.
I need Your approval and reassurance
I need to know when You approve of me or what I’ve done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I’m unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I’m confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.
I need to be able to express myself I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren’t something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I’m upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.
I need to learn from my mistakes
I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I’ve done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I’ve faced my failure but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.
I need forgiveness when I fail You
Nothing hurts me more than to know I’ve failed or displeased You and I need to be forgiven once I’ve made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.
I need to feel I contribute
I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer.
I need to enjoy successes
Without experiencing and enjoying my successes I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savouring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You. I don’t expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I’ve reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don’t deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I’ve achieved a goal You’ve set.
I need to share with You
Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings but those are the things I need to share the most. I’ll depend on You to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I’ll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.
I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership
No matter how well I’ve done or how miserably I’ve failed, I need to know I’m still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in return. I can’t survive without it.

BDSM L

M/s vs. D/s – There is a Significant Difference

 

I had to laugh today. On a post in a group a woman the age of my middle children tried to tell others what it was like, “back in the day.” Seriously, I wasn’t involved in the scene back in the day ie the 60’s and 70’s. Really, I cannot quit shaking me head about it. I have a clue, partly because I was mentored by a Master of a house that started in the 70’s, I still have friends who have been in the life more than 50 years who make my measly 30 look pale in comparison. So I figured I would throw a few factoids out there which might help some understand, yes there really is a difference between M/s and D/s other than how a person self-identifies.

 

Total Power Exchange: Typically, a hallmark of a M/s dynamic, or arrangement of a house, TPE does occur in some D/s relationships although much rarer in my estimation. A TPE is exactly what it implies, giving over all the control to the lead in the dynamic. 

 

I hear a lot of chatter on the boards about TPE however it often includes some caveat or another about how much control the lead in the dynamic has. To me, that is not a TPE. It could be M/s, on the softer side of the spectrum, I would give them that. 

 

One note: how that control is exerted can vary widely.

 

A TPE is not something that develops overnight. The level of trust required to go this deep takes a significant amount of time and dedication by all parties involved. It can also have a few hard stop items negotiated into it. For example, a person may have a certain trigger related to PTSD and includes this within the contract. Each is different and unique to the people involved. 

 

Power Exchange: Any level of giving control to another whether it be for just a scene/play session, weekend, or most of the time. The primary difference between a TPE and PE is there are negotiated caveats that limit the level of control or amount of time control is maintained in a PE. This is typically seen in D/s relationship as well as Top/bottom arrangements.

 

Master (any gender): The lead of a Master/slave dynamic and/or house which maintains slaves. TPE is often the structure expected. Being a Master comes with an elevated responsibility (100%) and dedication to a slave or house which reflects the level of control granted. Total. If a slave fails in a task, creates a social issue within the house etc. the Master is responsible, and it is up to them to correct the issue and accept responsibility for the failure of their slave. 

 

A Master is generally also someone who has attained mastery in the eyes of their peers. It is not a title one takes on to themselves but is granted out of respect and in recognition of their work, effort, and skill attained. 

 

Note: with the exercise of TPE comes the responsibility of knowing what not to do and/or ask of their slave and the slave’s trust in them to exhibit restraint in that regard, with the best interest of the slave in mind.

 

Dominant (any gender): The lead in a Dominant/submissive relationship. The level of responsibility they have for their submissive is generally in line with the level of control granted to them. Limited to the time frames and activities negotiated. A Dominant is also expected to take responsibility for their submissive within the bounds of what was negotiated. Outside of what is negotiated, the submissive is responsible for themselves.

 

Top (any gender): A person who takes control for a scene or play session. Their control is generally limited to that play session, and potentially for a short period afterward. The time and activities are negotiated for each session. The Top is only responsible for a bottom during the scene/play session and for the potential care of marks injuries as a result of that scene/play session.

 

Slave (any gender): A person who submits completely to a Master and generally gives them total control over them. That Master may be theirs alone, or the head of a house. A slave is expected to do anything which is directed. They have given their dedication completely and in doing so trust the Master to have their best interest at heart.

 

Submissive (any gender): A person who gives partial control over to a Dominant based on defined limits and time frames which define the level of authority given to the Dominant. This is generally negotiated and revisited on a periodic basis to adjust limits and expectations which are in line with current circumstances. A submissive is expected to do what is directed by the Dominant, but only within the defined limits set within negotiations. In addition, if a particular item was not talked about prior, it is expected to be discussed prior to the Dominant attempting to act upon it. 

 

Bottom (any gender): The person giving control to a Top for a scene/play session. They are only expected to comply with what was negotiated for that specific scene/play session. They are generally expected to communicate with the Top after play if there are issues arising from marks or injuries.

 

So with all that laid out, the differences between a M/s and D/s relationship are dramatic just based on roles. Mostly revolving around the level of control. But also, regarding mindset. To me, there is a significant difference in mindset between a Master and Dominant/slave and submissive. The level of trust, acceptance, devotion, and oneness (a bunch of intangibles that are difficult to describe) which contribute to a person being able to take or give over complete control. 

 

Mutualism, a symbiotic relationship where both benefit combined with a complete immersion into the other. A really good M/s dynamic between two partners. This is the best way I can describe it without diving into paragraphs of material. There are books on the subject, scores of articles and still plenty of people who came up in houses who can attest to what their experiences were.

 

However, it seems times have changed, to where we self-designate according to self-view, rather than actual role or in recognition of what we have achieved. I am sure there are plenty here, new and older, who will disagree with all or part of this. Just relaying what I know in accordance with what I learned from my mentor, and along the way.

 

I will say this though. I see no pride in claiming something which I am not. There is no identity nor ownership which can be attached. No achievement to reflect on. Claiming something we are not, creates a paper tiger from which impossible expectations arise. Why would we put ourselves in that position?

The Master's Touch

 

The old dom lay upon his deathbed, his body worn and grey.

His sons, his students, and submissives gathered about him, though long had they dreaded to see this day.

 

He knew that his long journey was almost done and that now then it would end

He looked into the eyes of those he loved and knew of no better way this time to spend.

 

"My sons...my students", he said to them, "My time is growing short".

"I ask for no tears upon my grave...I never was that sort."

 

"I need have no memorial, save what I have given unto you."

"let not the lesson that I have taught you vanish like unto the mornings early dew."

 

"For you, my brothers are Dominants.....the ones to whom they bend their knee,

With downcast eyes and yearning souls and so brightly soaring needs.

 

For the submissive woman is like unto no other, in her mind, her body or soul.

For her, the journey is rocky and harsh, but she will have no other road.

 

That road is fraught with peril, their path at best a bittersweet run.

A lonely soaring searching need to find the truly Dominant one.

 

To cast away the wannabes, the abusers and the cruel.

To find the one that she can serve, and not be seen as less when she calls him "Master", as she kneels in front of his stool.

 

For with that title, there comes a trust, that no 'nilla can understand.

To take her mind, her heart, and soul and mold it with the Master's hand.

 

To protect her against all the world, be she right or wrong.

To love her enough to discipline her into the cold and lonely night regardless of the cost.

 

To bring forth from her the beauty that in truth was always there had any the eyes with which to see.

To show unto her the hardest truths, how a chain can make you free.

 

And how a woman that is kneeling, can stand above the rest.

And how to have the strength to offer her submission, can be the hardest test.

 

He felt a chill pass through his heart and knew the time had come.

It was time to leave this mortal Earth, his time allotted, run.

 

And as the darkness closed in around him, for but a moment he bid it stay.

And gasped a last quick message unto his sons, his students and his mate.

 

In leather have I lived my life, and in leather do I die.

The leather that bonds us each unto the other....a bond as true as the summer sky.

 

For in Leather we are a family...a bond that none save us can break.

Dom and sub, we stand together as one, each with a thirst for the other to taste.

 

Learn and teach the rules my friends, and forget not the old ways, as I have taught them unto you.

Welcome the newbie, gather them in, protect them as I once did for you.

 

Be their shelter against the storm that would destroy them without care or thought.

And from where ever I am, be it heaven or hell, I will be proud of the fruit that my teachings have brought.

 

With a tug upon his arm, he could say no more, and Death did claim him that day as it's own.

And he cast off the old and weary flesh and looked back upon what his words had sown.

 

And he saw them standing there, tall and proud, or kneeling without shame.

Both Dom and sub, each in their place, and both proud to bear the name.

 

He looked into the dark-clad angel's face and said, "All is as it should be."

The doms will protect them unto their last breath, the subs are proud to bend their knee.

 

I have done all that I can do here, I see nothing left I have left undone.

The journey now is over, the battle fought, the final race is run.

 

And as he left this lowly Earth, he looked back one last time.

And bid a silent and soft farewell to those he left behind.

 

And as he turned and left them there, he knew with all his heart.

That what he had created would never tarnish.....and never rust.

 

For within each of them he had left

 

"The Loving Master's Touch."

 

On a personal note......

If this is not every dominants cry I don't know why you want this lifestyle.

Please.....cherish your time here. Seize it. Grasp with both hands what you have before you and own that which is yours.

Knowing when to be her Dominant,and when to be her Man.

 

Written By: _WORDS_BY_FOR

 

I know of many D/s dynamics breaking down because the Dominant doesn’t recognize the times when its more important, to just be a man to their woman, instead of always being in the Dominant state. 

 

Of course this depends on the sub, but I still feel that being a man, and showing your woman the emotions you feel for her,are of uppermost importance.

 

Does this make you less of a Dominant to allow yourself to kneel beside your sub when she needs you, to be on the floor with her? 

 

Of course it doesn’t! 

 

It shows your strength and love, and it comforts your sub to know that you are feeling what she is feeling,giving her peace of mind to feel your strong,masculine body,wrapped in hers,and reassuring her that you will not leave her side. 

 

Put aside the titles of Sir or Master or Daddy, to just be yourself with your beloved woman. 

 

Titles can become so cold and overused,that sometimes it’s more intimate and loving,to just enjoy those little cute names you use for each other…

 

It encourages affection,and in turn, deepens the bond of the dynamic.

 

You will all have heard of the prayer ‘Footprints in the sand’ im sure..

 

And this prayer is how i invision myself carrying my woman through her hard days. Two sets of footprints become one, not because I have left her side, but because I am carrying her,and her bourdons,not letting her fall. 

 

This seems very much like a Dominant trait, but with the protocol and titles stripped bare,you are simply being the best man you can be,for the woman you love.

 

Recognize those times in her voice that she just needs YOU. 

 

Not your Dominance.

 

Allow yourself to weep with her. Feel her pain!

 

Of course it is not always easy to tell if she needs the Dominant or the man, and can only develop over time, with lots of talking,and the development of trust. 

 

A good Dominant will trust in his instincts,and see the subtle changes in her voice,her eyes,or body language.

 

Know the difference between the Dominant and the man in you. 

 

Seek it out and never be afraid to let her see it.

 

Being the Dominant 24/7 and giving out tasks, dealing with corrective behaviour, talking to her like a teacher etc, can very quickly become overwhelming,if you never just allow yourself to 

 

BE HER MAN.

From the writings of Sir Max ( Massimiliano Bru)

 

Mentoring is a viable way for a new person to learn about this lifestyle. Basically, in this scenario, an experienced person is chosen to help guide the new person through the pitfalls of the early stages of the lifestyle. We are involved with something that is so vastly different from the traditional that people are often overwhelmed with what they see. Also, since there are so many predators who seek to prey upon the vulnerability and ignorance of new people, it is helpful to have an experienced individual act as a protector. Obviously, this pertains more to the submissives rather than dominants. But, the concept of a mentor is helpful to both.

 

As mentioned, a mentor needs to have experience. That is the first things that should be sought out. I am amazed at how many get with someone who has only a few months or a year experience. That is not a mentor. Instead, that is a person who is most likely preying upon the sub in a deceitful manner. A mentor is there to pass along all knowledge gained by being around the lifestyle for a number of years (or decades). Thus, it is crucial that one be around for this time period.

 

A second thing that a mentor must be is trustworthy. Here is where the situation can enter a gray area very quickly. It is common for a new sub to 'fall for' her mentor. This is a person who is going to act in a manner that resembles a Dom or Master. However, he is not that person. The line between owning someone and being a mentor is clear. There is a degree of trust that is handed over to a mentor in the same way a therapist or counselor is given trust. To betray that by personally involving oneself moves into the area of deceit.

 

This means that the mentor needs to understand the limits completely. One who crosses the line is the lowest form so slim there is. I have greater respect for the trollers who are upfront and obvious about things. Most with any slight intelligence can pick them up instantly. The mentoring predators are more difficult. So, we need to be leery of these people.

 

Mentoring is advantageous in that it allows one to learn about this lifestyle without making the commitment to a particular person.

 

Therefore, if you are new, before rushing headlong into a relationship, consider a mentor. It could be a way to prevent you making the mistakes that are commonplace today.

BDSM Lifestyle – May 2021

M/s vs. D/s – There is a Significant Difference

I had to laugh today. On a post in a group a woman the age of my middle children tried to tell others what it was like, “back in the day.” Seriously, I wasn’t involved in the scene back in the day ie the 60’s and 70’s. Really, I cannot quit shaking me head about it. I have a clue, partly because I was mentored by a Master of a house that started in the 70’s, I still have friends who have been in the life more than 50 years who make my measly 30 look pale in comparison. So I figured I would throw a few factoids out there which might help some understand, yes there really is a difference between M/s and D/s other than how a person self-identifies.

Total Power Exchange: Typically, a hallmark of a M/s dynamic, or arrangement of a house, TPE does occur in some D/s relationships although much rarer in my estimation. A TPE is exactly what it implies, giving over all the control to the lead in the dynamic.

I hear a lot of chatter on the boards about TPE however it often includes some caveat or another about how much control the lead in the dynamic has. To me, that is not a TPE. It could be M/s, on the softer side of the spectrum, I would give them that.

One note: how that control is exerted can vary widely.

A TPE is not something that develops overnight. The level of trust required to go this deep takes a significant amount of time and dedication by all parties involved. It can also have a few hard stop items negotiated into it. For example, a person may have a certain trigger related to PTSD and includes this within the contract. Each is different and unique to the people involved.

Power Exchange: Any level of giving control to another whether it be for just a scene/play session, weekend, or most of the time. The primary difference between a TPE and PE is there are negotiated caveats that limit the level of control or amount of time control is maintained in a PE. This is typically seen in D/s relationship as well as Top/bottom arrangements.

Master (any gender): The lead of a Master/slave dynamic and/or house which maintains slaves. TPE is often the structure expected. Being a Master comes with an elevated responsibility (100%) and dedication to a slave or house which reflects the level of control granted. Total. If a slave fails in a task, creates a social issue within the house etc. the Master is responsible, and it is up to them to correct the issue and accept responsibility for the failure of their slave.

A Master is generally also someone who has attained mastery in the eyes of their peers. It is not a title one takes on to themselves but is granted out of respect and in recognition of their work, effort, and skill attained.

Note: with the exercise of TPE comes the responsibility of knowing what not to do and/or ask of their slave and the slave’s trust in them to exhibit restraint in that regard, with the best interest of the slave in mind.

Dominant (any gender): The lead in a Dominant/submissive relationship. The level of responsibility they have for their submissive is generally in line with the level of control granted to them. Limited to the time frames and activities negotiated. A Dominant is also expected to take responsibility for their submissive within the bounds of what was negotiated. Outside of what is negotiated, the submissive is responsible for themselves.

Top (any gender): A person who takes control for a scene or play session. Their control is generally limited to that play session, and potentially for a short period afterward. The time and activities are negotiated for each session. The Top is only responsible for a bottom during the scene/play session and for the potential care of marks injuries as a result of that scene/play session.

Slave (any gender): A person who submits completely to a Master and generally gives them total control over them. That Master may be theirs alone, or the head of a house. A slave is expected to do anything which is directed. They have given their dedication completely and in doing so trust the Master to have their best interest at heart.

Submissive (any gender): A person who gives partial control over to a Dominant based on defined limits and time frames which define the level of authority given to the Dominant. This is generally negotiated and revisited on a periodic basis to adjust limits and expectations which are in line with current circumstances. A submissive is expected to do what is directed by the Dominant, but only within the defined limits set within negotiations. In addition, if a particular item was not talked about prior, it is expected to be discussed prior to the Dominant attempting to act upon it.

Bottom (any gender): The person giving control to a Top for a scene/play session. They are only expected to comply with what was negotiated for that specific scene/play session. They are generally expected to communicate with the Top after play if there are issues arising from marks or injuries.

So with all that laid out, the differences between a M/s and D/s relationship are dramatic just based on roles. Mostly revolving around the level of control. But also, regarding mindset. To me, there is a significant difference in mindset between a Master and Dominant/slave and submissive. The level of trust, acceptance, devotion, and oneness (a bunch of intangibles that are difficult to describe) which contribute to a person being able to take or give over complete control.

Mutualism, a symbiotic relationship where both benefit combined with a complete immersion into the other. A really good M/s dynamic between two partners. This is the best way I can describe it without diving into paragraphs of material. There are books on the subject, scores of articles and still plenty of people who came up in houses who can attest to what their experiences were.

However, it seems times have changed, to where we self-designate according to self-view, rather than actual role or in recognition of what we have achieved. I am sure there are plenty here, new and older, who will disagree with all or part of this. Just relaying what I know in accordance with what I learned from my mentor, and along the way.

I will say this though. I see no pride in claiming something which I am not. There is no identity nor ownership which can be attached. No achievement to reflect on. Claiming something we are not, creates a paper tiger from which impossible expectations arise. Why would we put ourselves in that position?