Mo Cumhacht

To further expound on the concept of my belief in energy.....

Ghosts, spirits, etc. are all just the manifestation/release of energy that has been contained in the corporeal body that has ceased to exist. As I've said, like draws like. These energies that have passed on are drawn to the energies they were tied to when contained within the corporeal body. Family, friends, loved ones, places....it's the most recent familiar energy. It takes times for it to be absorbed and redistributed back into the mass flow of energy that compromises the universe as we know it.

It's been so long since someone's caressed my skin,
Or I've felt that connection, that fire within,
Or a passionate grip, how long it's been.

....I did it for growth but growth now feels a sin.

To share oneself should be a pure, sacred rite.
But it was twisted by monsters visiting at night,
Who spread their poison with bodies that bite.

I never knew the right way and I've paid the price.
I had to teach myself, had to learn to think twice.
And three times and more, even years don't suffice.

Now that I know, I'm still struggling each day.
The demons left behind still come out to play.
No matter what I do, there's a taint here to stay.

Words have run out, they've come to an end.
All this destruction I don't know how to mend.
I said it once and I'm going to say it again:

...I did it for growth but growth now feels a sin.

The past few days have prompted me to dig deeeeep down inside for some patience and understanding with myself. Honestly,  I think I've fallen short in that goal. But, as Scarlett said, "I'll think about that tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." That is me giving myself some grace to be imperfect.

I made myself a promise years ago that I would not repeat the cycles of abuse and abandonment that have been perpetuated in my family. I'm trying...most days I feel like I'm failing.

I struggle with myself on a daily basis. It would be so easy to just get in my car, throw it in drive, put foot to pedal and go. Leave everyone and everything behind. All the responsibilities. All the expectations. All the burdens. All the cares. Gone with the wind. Casper wouldn't have shit on me.

My bio dad abandoned us. His mother abandoned him and his brother. Maybe it's in my blood? Maybe we're all sick? Maybe I'm genetically wired to be incapable of sticking it out as a parent?

But I can't do that, can I?

But then I wonder, is it better for him if I left? What if I'm causing more harm by staying? What if I'm turning into all the toxic traits my mother embodied? In some ways, what she did to me was worse than just leaving. The physical and mental abuse her father perpetuated upon her is inexcusable. What is really in his best interest, having a deficient mother or having one that can say enough is enough?

I don't want to be the cause of him questioning everything good about himself. I don't want to break him. I don't want to rob him of his self-worth. I am trying so fucking hard to be more and do better and I am my harshest critic. But am I failure?

So I stay. And I try. Every day. And I try to give myself grace.

At work today minding my own damn business. Ya know,  doing my job and all that shit, helping out my new coworker (who also happens to be my Best Bitch Ever!). I was completely tuning out my other coworker and a customer who were conversing about 3 feet away from me on the OTHER side of the counter. I had my back to them and everything. 

Next thing I know, I'm tuning back in to their conversation cause I hear, "She must not have felt it" punctuated by an annoying ass man-giggle. And I KNEW immediately that he (the customer) was referring to me because I could FEEL their retinas burning a hole in the back of my skull. 

So, I turn my head and look at them over my shoulder and very intelligently and eloquently say, "Huh?" in my most polite customer service voice. His next words quickly made me channel my inner demons.

He says, and I QUOTE, "I touched your hair."

THE FUCKING AUDACITY!!!

This man doesn't know me in any capacity other than my job...as a customer. Never flirted with this man or gone out of my way to speak with him outside of what it takes to do my job. 

I had hell on my face and my Best Bitch looked at me like, "oh fuck the shit is about to go down" and kinda half stood prepared to grab me.

I just looked at him for a moment and was like, "Yeah, guess it's a good thing I DIDN'T feel it" and turned my face back to my Best Bitch. 

I cannot stand a person that feels the need to violate my space or my person without invitation. I have spent the rest of the day feeling dirty and violated. Fuck him and bah humbug, too. I hope he chokes on his Christmas Candy with his pudgy pillaging fingers. Gonna send the Grinch and Oogie Boogie after his ass.

Taking a moment to collect myself in a church parking lot while blasting Savage Daughter. 🤭😆 

I still think about you. I wonder where you're at and if you're doing okay. I still miss you. I miss our talks and how we understood each other without having to say a word.

When you looked at me I felt seen. When I spoke, you heard the words I didn't say. And when you touched me I felt alive. Being with you felt like having a pleasant electrical current charging beneath my skin. My body hummed and my soul sang. You set me free in ways I didn't even understand. I miss that and I miss you and I can only hope you remember the time we had together as fondly as I do.

You took a piece of me with you when we parted ways. I know I carry you with me. Timing is a cruel thing. Maybe the Wheel will spin around again and we will get another chance. But if we don't, just know, I am yours as you are mine. Nothing will change that, not space or time. There will forever be that place where we existed together so beautifully and I thank you for that.

I find my thoughts frequently revolving around "being okay with being alone". I need to be comfortable being truly vulnerable with myself before I can allow myself to be vulnerable with anyone else. I have to truly know myself before I can expect anyone else to truly know me. And to do that I have to be alone with myself and be okay with that.

I spend 95% of my personal time alone....5 year old notwithstanding. And I used to love that. I used to relish it and find peace just being with myself. I took myself out to dinner and to the movies. I went on adventures and road trips with only myself for company. I went where I wanted and did what I wanted whether I had company or not. And I found just as much, if not more, enjoyment experiencing things by myself as opposed to with others.

But for years it has not brought me peace or joy or contentment. Being alone with myself and my thoughts has been the cause of unease and discomfort and fear and loathing. I have buried myself in online friendships, games, books, movies, anything really to allow my mind to hide from the fact that I am alone, that I am afraid to be so and that I am angry that I am afraid of something I once found joy in. I am angry that I allowed someone to turn me into this. I am angry that, in my weakness, I have allowed it to continue for so long. Really, I'm just fucking angry, mostly with myself. And I'm alone. And I don't enjoy it.

But I want to. I want to enjoy time with myself again. I have to. I can offer no one anything of me until I can offer it to myself. I can't be happy with anyone else until I can find that happiness with myself again.

I've had the realization and that's half the battle out of the way. I can do this...

I don't believe in heaven and hell or the concept of an afterlife where you retain the entirety of who you were when you were bound to your body.

The essence that is "you", your thoughts,  feelings, memories etc., can be boiled down to the concept of energy.  That's how I think of it. We are just one frequency among a symphony of them so to speak.

When you die, the shell that contains that essence is left vacant. The flesh memories left behind in that shell are their own type of energy and what animated you is simply a different kind. It's all energy.

But everything here, the entirety of the universe as we know it, is energy. Just a massive flow of energy, bonding and forming and creating and evolving. I agree with the concept that energy can neither be created nor destroyed, merely redistributed.

By that logic, we are a never-ending flow of energy and those energies coalesce into me or you or that tree or that rock or that star or that planet or what ever.

Reincarnation is simply "like recognizing like" and being drawn to each other. You get enough in one place and then you get past lives.

Or soul mates, of which I believe you have many. Those people that you are drawn to without explanation as if your pieces fit their pieces and you've always been part of a whole....it's simply energy being drawn to energy that has flowed together since before time was even a concept.

Something like that anyways. It's the only thing I've been able to come up with that makes any kind of sense to me.

In the past,
My body was violated,
My soul desecrated,
My mind contaminated,
My heart devastated,
My spirit desolated,
My strength underestimated.
Now, here I stand in humble contemplation,
Offering up my burdens for consecration.
Not to any man-made god divine,
But to the service of me and mine.
The pain and hurt shall be stripped away
And forged anew, to mold like clay.
I use this energy to claim peace and light,
To shine thru the darkest, deepest night.
I beseech protection with perfect trust and love,
From all that would harm, both below and above.
This is my will, I now set it free.
Thus I have spoken, so mote it be.

-LR