Fearing what I need and trying to find a way to enjoy it again

I've always struggled with my self worth and how I see myself, and I get told I shouldn't see myself the way I do but then the things people do or say reinforce those thoughts. I had reconnected with someone and we both wanted the exact same thing. And literally yesterday he was telling me this is all he's ever wanted. But then he ended things today to try and make things work with his ex. He told me that I'm amazing and wonderful and that I shouldn't let anyone else let me think otherwise, but honestly how can I not think that I'm not good enough. 

We were making plans for me to move so we could live the life we wanted which to most is very extreme. He bought a collar for me, we had made all of these plans, but now he's just gone. He wanted wanted the extremes and kinks I did, but with the affection and physical touch and love that I want/need. 

I really don't know what to do with myself. I work the next 7 days with no day off, in a new position which is stressful and overwhelming all on its own but now I don't know what to do with myself when I'm just at home and Im not ready to have to put a smile on my face and pretend everything is okay because it's not. 

All I can think is that I'm really not good enough, I'm not worth it. That I'll never find what I'm looking for and I don't even want to try anymore, I feel like giving up and just sleep around because clearly that's the only value other people see in me.

I probably didn't say this very well but I need to get it out even though my brain isn't processing things very well right now.

It's barely into day 3 of my punishment. I'm not allowed an orgasm for a week. I noticed on day 2 I was responding very brat like without meaning to and feeling rather grumpy. 

I have to play with myself multiple times a day but without orgasm and I think by the end of this week I'm going to be very very grumpy. 

But the punishment is serving to do exactly what it was supposed to because as bad as I want my orgasm i know I wouldn't be able to even if i tried before my punishment is over and he tells me to cum. It's showing me exactly who my pleasure belongs to, and reminding me of what my purpose really is. And that is to give Him pleasure

My ex did a lot of things to me claiming it was because he was my dom and that's what he wanted. It's left me with a lot of fear and distrust and I don't know how to move past the fear. It doesn't feel right to not let go of control but Im scared about what might happen if I do. BDSM has been a big part of my life and I felt like that was taken from me, I used to find peace and solace when submitting now I feel anxiety and terror just thinking about it because what if they're the same as he was.

I've always known I was a sub but after a really bad abusive relationship where the guy I was with claimed he was a dom when he really wasn't, I've had a hard time letting go to be able to submit. But after seeing this guy literally once I felt so safe and was able to just let go. 

I literally can't describe the feeling that it gave me, I've got bruises and marks on my breasts and evetytime I feel the ache and sensitivity it brings a smile to my face. I don't have anyone I can talk to about stuff like this but I've missed being able to let someone take the control without being afraid. Or not being afraid of him pushing too far and having to safe word. I'm still scared and I'm still hesitant but the way this man made me feel without actually talking about kink or anything like that also really excites me.

All I said was he didn't have to be super gentle with me when he went to pull my hair while I was sucking his cock. And he literally was perfect, I was right on that edge of the pain being too much and it was so enjoyable. 

But fear has held me back for a long time and I think I might finally be ready to let go of the fear, for the most part I know I'll never blindly trust someone again like I did in the past, and just enjoy what I've been wanting and needing 

I've been wanting a dom again for a long time now but I've had some bad experiences so I haven't been looking for one specificly. But I was supposed to just go for coffee and a walk with this guy and it started raining so we went back to his place to watch a movie instead. I wasn't expecting anything other than to watch a movie and maybe cuddle with what we had talked about, and even though I can't know for sure I don't think he planned this either cause he wasn't prepared. But we started kissing and as things progressed he seemed hesitant when he went to pull my hair so I told him he didn't have to worry about being gentle and oh boy did he know exactly what to do. We didn't have condoms or anything so not much happened but he told me he wanted to face fuck me, and I told him I was a sub. But I have never ever had someone who knew exactly what I needed without me saying anything, he pushed it right to the edge of the pain being too much but never went over the line and he made everything feel so good. I know I'm going to have bruises for a fee days at least. But I've never felt so comfortable with someone this fast, and it seems like it might actually be a really good match, he's sweet and funny, and handsome and a gentleman and he makes me smile but he also knows how to dom me exactly how I needed it.