Truth

Something is missing

I had it for a short time

It’s gone and I realize there is a hole where it used to be

I want it again

I need it

I crave it

I feel lost without it

• I want a partner but do I need one?
• I’m surviving on my own, but am I thriving?
• I miss having someone to talk with every day but I also value my privacy and alone time - can I have both?
• Sex is good but the emotional/mental connection is what makes it great for me.
• I want to let go but it scares me.
• i can take care of my own shit but I don’t always want to, it would be nice to have someone say “it’s ok baby, I got this”
• Trust doesn’t come easily or quickly for me but should I trust until someone gives me a reason not to?
• Why can’t I just let the tears flow? Am I afraid that I’ll get too consumed by them and not be able to pull myself back up?
• Will I ever find a partner to share my life with? Part of me is really scared about the idea of ending up alone.
• Why does the idea of disappointing people terrify me? Would it have been better if my parents just disciplined me differently when I did something bad instead of giving me the dreaded “we are disappointed in you” lecture?
• What if I’ve missed my last chance at finding a D/s relationship? 
• Do I need in person or could I live with online? 

And yes, I’ve talked with my therapist about a lot of this, but that doesn’t mean it’s still not swirling around in my brain.  Thank you if you made it all the way through this rambling post, I know that I need to figure these things out for myself, 

My experience only……

I have a trigger that has developed over the years and had served as a protective warning for me in the past.  Well recently it popped up in response to something a long distance platonic married male friend said and did. I told him his words and actions made me uncomfortable and I was going to shut off contact. Yesterday he messaged me that “triggers could be dismantled when properly understood”.

WTF.

Dude….I know why I have this trigger and how it serves me. Two years of therapy have helped me understand it, recognize and honor it. I have no intention of “dismantling it” as you suggested. And quite honestly I resent the fact that you are pushing back. Time to double down on the no communication thing. Any chance of me not blocking you is dwindling fast. I don’t owe you any further explanation. My reasons are mine alone.

This is something I never would have been able to do a few years ago. Growth and progress. 

Not going to make any New Year’s resolutions, as most of them don’t last beyond Mid-January. What I am going to do is be thankful and grateful for the people in my life. Wish whose who are no longer in my life all the best. This year has taught me to match energy with some people. And to let them show me who they are and their place in my life. Not everyone deserves my attention and energy. Continue to work on myself and focus on being a good person. And concentrate on my self esteem issues and find things that bring me Joy. 

May the new year bring you all good health, love and happiness. 

I stood up for myself. I explained what I wanted and needed and set a boundary. Sounds simple, right. Well it has taken me 2 years of therapy to get to this point where I could finally put me first. And it doesn’t matter what the details were surrounding the situation, other than it triggered something for me. And their response was to try and “mansplain” themselves and their actions. So I told them that I was going to step away from the situation and that I expect them to respect my decision. I didn’t go into a million reasons why or explain myself trying to justify my decision. I simply stated what I was going to do. And I am fully prepared to block them if they don’t respect my wishes.

It’s baby steps, I know. But also….yay me!

So…..randomly saw the man that broke my heart on FB with his GF. Apparently she and I have a mutual acquaintance. I wish I could say that I had evolved enough to scroll past without a second thought. But no. I blocked her and then blocked the mutual acquaintance. It had taken me years to get over him. The really sad part is that I knew he didn’t love me the whole time we dated (almost 6 years), but I was willing to stay with him because I loved him. I said “ILY” to him once and he said “thanks” in return (OUCH!). And when asked why he never said it I got a whole song and dance about how he was traumatized from his marriage breaking up and he couldn’t say it but that I shouldn’t doubt his feelings for me, blah blah blah. I would have been with him to this day if he hadn’t broken up with me (by text no less, but that’s another issue). That’s right, I would have settled for an emotionally unbalanced relationship. Had I been a stronger person at the time and knew my worth I should have left him first because he wasn’t able or willing to meet my emotional needs.

Lessons learned

1) I am capable of great love and will do anything for that person

2) I deserve love in return 

So that’s why I’m still single. I will never settle again. A man has to bring everything to the table with me for there to be any chance of any kind of relationship or future. 

Another year around the sun. Filled with changes, disappointments, joys and blessings. I’ve had my eyes opened this past year to parts of myself that I never knew. I’m looking forward to continuing that journey. And I won’t give up the search for my person. ?

I won’t post certain photos just to try and gain followers or likes

I won’t play with random people

I won’t show my face unless I have spoken with you or met you outside of this site

I won’t give up my convictions or values

I won’t settle

I won’t reach out if I’m interested in someone, my lack of self esteem gets in the way and I don’t feel like I’m “good or attractive enough”

I won’t waste my time on those who don’t value or deserve it

But that also means I won’t be popular here

I won’t have messages filling my inbox

I won’t have people reaching out to want to talk with me

I won’t have people checking on me when I go silent

I won’t be noticed when I’m gone

And it also means that I probably won’t find my person here

But I also won’t completely give up

It’s a day of reflection 

deep in my head and heart 

regrets and missed opportunities 

joys and hopes

combine leaving me in a jumbled mess

not knowing which way is up

struggling to breathe

gasping for clarity

knowing my worth and yet feeling unworthy

lovely but unloved

Hoping that sleep brings some peace 

My pelvic floor therapist (also treating SI Joint Dysfunction) tells me to focus on “closing the curtains” when doing my kegels and now I don’t think I can refer to my labia (inner and outer) as anything else. Although would one be considered sheers and the other the curtains?  ?