Chaotic and twisted thoughts of my mind

Something I find frustrating is when people can't own their errors.

Yes we are all human..

Yes we are all imperfect..

I am the first one to admit that..

The first one to admit overthinking runs rampid in my mind...

This leads to mistakes..

But i own it...

This lifestyle is something I hold close to my heart..

This lifestyle is something I will protect..

I will speak up..

I will protect the newbies....

So many of the old ways lost to the new...

If people don't speak up and help educate the new ones will be lost or even worse hurt..

When I first found the lifestlye all I wanted to do was learn and help educate others on what I had discovered so far...

Those that claim extensive knowledge or being well seasoned but know not the basics be Humble.. 

If you make a mistake own it and don't claim to be what your not..

                                They say

                      " Your to kind, to soft

                            For this world."

              And my desperate urge to reply 

             " Maybe, But I'd rather bleed with 

         Softness then survive by turning stone.

       Because even If this world Swallows me

                        Whole..At lest I'll know 

                               I stayed true 

This is something I get and see quiet often and  to be honest it's slowly starting to drive me a little nuts..

People often strangers start a comment or message by calling someone sweetheart, honey, baby, good girl ect.

On the surface it seems harmless. For some maybe even being ment as being "polite" or "friendly".

But for many who receive these kinds of messages or replies to comments, it's not friendly. It's not sweet.

Its annoying and uncomfortable and sometimes outright disrespectful. 

So I write a few words about why these unsolicited pet names don't land the way you think they do. 

Why does it feel off?? 

When you call someone a pet name, your implying a level of familiarity that simply dosnt exist.

You are trying to fast forward into a space of intimacy  with out earning it.

It's like walking up to a stranger at a bus stop and calling them "babe" it's wired...

In the lifestyle context it's even worse.

Words like good girl aren’t just cutesy nicknames here, there part of a power exchange.

They carry meaning in a dynamic and consent.

When you throw those terms at someone you don’t know,  your trying to place  yourself in a Dominant role they never agreed to.

It's presumptive Dominance plain and simple.

How it makes people feel...

Like their personal space is being invaded.

Like their autonomy is being ignored.

Like their role or identity is being assumed without consent. 

Like their being objectified, not engaged with.

And for alot of subs it's not just one message, it's dozens over and over again.

That gets tiring fast.

Eventually people just stop posting, stop replying and disappear all together.

And frankly that's a loss for all of us as a community.

Intent dosnt erase impact.

I know many people don't mean harm.

Sometimes it's bad habits, sometimes it's poor social calibration, sometimes it's just ignorance.

But intention isn't a free pass.

If your words make someone feel uncomfortable or disrespected, then you crossed a line Wether you ment it or not.

Tips on how not to be that person..

Use the name that person gives you to use.

Build a connection before using intimate language.

Understand that pet names are part of  negotiated dynamics, not  casual conversation starters.

I've rambled enough so in conclusion, if you wouldn't walk up to someone in the real word and call them good girl, or baby before even knowing their name then maybe don't do it online either.

In the lifestyle where consent is supposed to be the core of everything we do, this shouldn't be hard.

Your words say more about you than you think. 

Choose them carefully.

1.Be Patient...

"To the Dominant, I say this"..

Until you enter into a relationship with a submissive you have no more right to order her around then any one else.

Give your submissive time to get to know you and what you are like, finesse and subtlety are major elements of Dominance. Similarly strength and gentleness go hand in hand.

The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.

A sub may be a sub, but she isn't your sub until you both agree to it.

"To the submissive this"..., 

A potential Dominant will let you know if they are interested in you or not.

Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies.

Don't expect your Dominant to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you.

A Dominant may exhibit a Dominant personality, but don't assume he's your Dom unless you both agree to it.

2. Be Humble...

"To the Dominant, I say this":

You may be gods gift to the world but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it.

You will have ample opportunities to show how good you are and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself.

No matter what you claim, the 'real you' will show through in a scene.

Don't set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach. 

"To the submissive I say this"...

You may be gods gift to the world but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it, you will have ample opportunity to show how good you are.

No matter what you are the real you will show through in a scene.

Don't set your self up for failure by developing expectations that you know you will never allow a Dominant to produce within you.

Be open...

"To the Dominant I say this"...

Although you are considered to be the teacher in the dynamic you can always learn  from your submissive, no matter how inexperienced.

Be willing, as well to learn from other Dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours.

Try to approach with an attitude of discovery.

Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.

There is a diffrence between B/d, D/s S/m but they go hand in hand. Learn the difference. Strive to be professional.

"To the submissive I say this"...

You can learn something about S/m and about yourself from everyone into the scene no matter how inexperienced they are, or how Dominant or submissive they are B/d, S/m, D,s is a very personal craft and an "I already know it all" attitude will make you miss valuable lessons and experiences and ignore potentially valuable D/s friends 

4. B Honest...

"To the Dominant I say this"...

If you lack experience in an area that your submissive would like to experiment with, be honest about it.

Your partner has a right to know that.

Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely comfortable with in taking control of the situation. Saftey should always be the first concern.

Taking priority over how hot a particular scene is.

Learn to recognize the signs of physical or emotional distress and learn how to deal with it, before during and after.

"To the submissive I say"...

Don't be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your Dominant expects it.

Honesty about your wants, turn-offs is essential to a good scene.

Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems,  as the Dominant will base the scene on inaccurate information.

Besides causing problems it can be dangerous.  Never be to stubborn to use your safe word for fear it may displease your Dom.

If he can't get over it then he's not the Dom for you.

5.Be Realistic...

"To the Dominant I say"... 

End the scene with the submissive wanting more, not wishing there had been less.

Remember that power, control are the keys.

Not just the intensity of the stimulation.

Be clear about what is fantasy and has little to do with what works in practice, your favourite porno videos and picture books may be stimulating in themselves,  but don't try to imitate them to the last detail. That's all scripted Hollywood.

It's not real.

"To the submissive I say this"...

Your Dominant is human, and even the most experienced have moments of awkwardness and indecision.

Dont call attention to what you perceive as a lapse or error.

Know the diffrence between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and videos.

6. Be Sensitive...

" To the Dominant I say"...

There is a very fine line between a sensitive, caring Dominant and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing fool.

Your scene should be a creative synthesis of the needs and fantasies of both you and your submissive.

Although on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that Dominant and submissive are serving each other.

Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust. You only have as much control as she gives you.

Get over yourself.

"To the submissive I say"...

Your scene is a two-way street. It's not just the physical realization of your prior fantasies.

If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological stimulation, then contract with your Dominant ahead of time, but don't always expect your Dominant to be a puppet in a fantasy play you’ve written in your head. It's far better to let your Dominant surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you places you're never been before.

When you trust your Dominant completely, let them know it, and let them guide you into new fantasies.

But if it feels like abuse, then it's abuse.

You have the power to stop it.

7. Be Genuine..

"To the Dominant I say this"...

Submissive are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength.

Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images or macho stereotypes.

Your Dominance enhances your whole existence.

It does not cover up or substitute for other areas in your life... it is You.

Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect him or her to give him/herself up to you totally.

Follow up on rules, expect obedience and punish appropriately when it is called for.

Don't shirk your responsibility to the submissive or the creed of Dominants.

Be dependable and expect dependability.

You have agreed to take the Dominant role, now take it.

"To the submissive I say"...

You have taken this title as you wish to be controlled, directed, owned.

This is the whole point.

Let your Dominant take over completely.

Don't coach or second guess or be critical of your Dominant.

Exchange special needs before the scene starts.

You have agreed to limitations of your own power.

Stay within those limitations.

Respect and obey your Dominant and expect punishment if you don’t.

Your Dominant has many things to be concerned with, including your safety and what turns you on.

Be loyal and dependable and enjoy your role.

8. Be healthy

" To you both I say"

Like any strenuous activity it requires its participants to be in good physical and emotional health.

The amount you both sleep, your drug and alcohol intake and everyday stress effect your response and endurance during a scene.

Don't attempt when your physical or emotional is low.

Of you are unable to except the Responsibilities that entering into a scene requires, then say so.

Never hold the other in resentment when they do this.

Accept and support the fact they cannot be as demanding or responsive as you would like.

Support them and aid them into returning to a physical or emotional state wherein D/s both in health and happiness.

9. Communicate 

" To you both I say this"...

Communication is the foundation of a trusting relationship.

Never close the door to honest communications between the two of you.

Always discuss the essentials when entering into a relationship such as experience, limits, needs, wants, likes and dislikes  health and well being.

Do not assume the other is a mind reader.

Spell out roles and contracts and rules and agree to them.

Respect safe words and signals.

Never close the door to continued communication, set aside times where you can both sit down and discuss things freely and without repercussions.

10. Have fun...

You both have earned it, and you both are entitled to unique, intense pleaures which come from responsible, creative and safe BDSM play.

There is a soft power I simply being 

In stepping away from the need to prove, preform and push.

The art of simply being is not appreciated in a culture that honours continuous motion, drive and urgency.

And yet there is something profoundly necessary about allowing yourself to be still, to breath, to rest in the present moment without the weight of expectation.

It is not passivity, nor laziness it is a willing presence, a deep trust in unfolding of life.

To be a Master in the art of being is to understand value is not measured by productivity, nor is life valued by accomplishment.

It is mastering how to sit with oneself, free unjudged.

It is about feeling the fullness of each moment, still or wild, joyful or sorrowful.

In being simply we can be clear.

In being simply, we are we are given permission to feel, to observe, to be without qualification.

It is here in the stillness that we come back to ourselves, to the world, and to something grater than both.

A Strong submissive to me, is one that will stand by her Dominant against all others.

She is not a weak doormat that succumbs to the will of all others.

They learn about BDSM and about themselves, they find out who they are and where they belong.

They gain knowledge through seeking resources and asking questions, not by being lazy and asking a isnta Dom for all the answers.

Nothing comes easy that is worth anything.

Knowledge is POWER, all need this type of power in the lifestyle to keep themselves safe.

They need to know the diffrence between a fake and real Dominant.

Once they chose to serve a Dominant that Dominant teaches them, Guides them, helps them overcome obstacles in their path.

For the more the submissive knows the better for the Dominant and for the submissive as well.

A Strong submissive that submits themselves to a Dominant is a treasure to him, one to be cherished forever.

A Strong submissive can stand on their own two feet, but kneel to their Dominant.

But to NO ONE ELSE...

They may listen to others give opinions and ideas, But always refers back to their Dominant for clarification.

They seek out education from the community they join a munch, BDSM club, seminars, insights or other programs to build on this knowledge.

The more knowledge they have the better to serve their Dominant.

KNOWLEDGE is power,

The more one knows the safer they will be.

The stronger they will be.

The more worthy they will be to their Dominant.

Door mats are around for the fakes and the players to play with at times.

But the strong sub,, will have a dynamic that outlasts all others..

I need to feel safe..

Before I can begin to open up my submissive nature to You, I need to feel safe and have a reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after ive given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may may like the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during a scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.

I need to know You accept me for all I am...

I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a parent, child, employee,  community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.

I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits...

I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.

I need You to be consistent...

I need to know You mean what You say and that today's rules will apply to tomorrow's behavior. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You've given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You've chosen for me. It's not done to try Your patience but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it's not consciously and I promise I'll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.

I need to expand my limits...

I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own I'll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I've been. I need. I may drag my feet and pout at times or sit down and refuse to move because I am unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.

I need You to teach me...

I need to learn, and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me become all that I  can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.

I need goals...

Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive.

Without Your direction, I quickly become lost so I'll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive.

I need to be corrected...

I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction, I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals.

Without Your correction, I may never know I've made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You've set for me.

I need You to be my role-model...

I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviors on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly pattern myself in Your image, so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as You face Your own challenges and daily activities. 

I need your approval and reassurance...

I need to know when You approve of me or what I've done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I'm unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support when I'm confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.

I need to be able to express myself...

I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need help to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren't something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I'm upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings, there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.

I need to learn from my mistakes...

I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I've done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I've faced my failure, but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears. 

I need forgiveness when I fail...

Nothing hurts me more than to know I've failed Or displeased You, and I need to be forgiven once I've made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.

I need to feel I contribute...

I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer.

I need to enjoy successes...

Without experiencing and enjoying my successes, I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savoring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You. I don't expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I've reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don't deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I've achieved a goal You've set. 

I need to share with You...

Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings, but those are the things I need to share the most. I'll depend on You to direct me in ways that I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share in things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I'll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.

I need to feel loved, respected and protected in Your ownership...

No matter how well I've done or how miserably I've failed, i need to know I'm still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse,  nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in return.

I can't survive without 

The Seeker.
Do not look for me, I will find you somewhere in the ether.

You are waiting there, surrounded by wisps of thoughts and words.
Silently swirling in mists of sultriness.

I am a seeker, but I seek only you, and when you arrive…I will know.

That light through the mist starts to enter, and you slowly emerge.

There you are…now let us begin, our dance of the minds.

For it is there that we find solace…the mists depart.

I see you and you see me, raw and open.
As it should be, for we are creatures who seek the solace of understanding.

That is where our power lies and this where we will be.

She sat by the water..
Sun rises sun falls..
Watching waiting.
For reflections to reveal..
Days nights pass..
No clear reflection
In sight..
Once found long forgotten..
She waits through
Sunshine and storms..
Her wolf by her side..
She watches him rise..
She follows him with
Her eyes..
He looks back..
As if beging her..
To follow to rise..
She rises from her knees..
Her wise wolf has reminded..
Her she no longer needs
To wait on her knees..
She no longer needs to wait..
The wind blows softly..
Whispers memories
In its breeze..
Reminding her..
Her kindness is not
Weakness..
Her forgiveness not
Her downfall..
Reminding her
She is worth more
Than what ifs..
If the world was perfect
What if..
If distance wasn't water
What if..
If the path we travel
Wasn't built apon rough ground..
If acceptance wasn't built
On what ifs..
Reminders of perfections.
Yet what ifs..
Reminders of worth..
Yet what ifs..
Each step she takes..
Each imprint left in
The dirt reminds..
She is better than
What ifs..
She refuses to belive..
That what ifs
Define worth..
She refuses to belive
That what ifs
Stops possibilities..
That what ifs
Mean she has stars
In her eyes..
Her eyes shine bright..
That what ifs
Make you naive..
She believes what ifs
Lead to possibilities..
She will no longer
Wait for what ifs..
She is not a
What if..
She is so much more..
She is a wolf, she is wild
She sees light in darkness..
She is a empath..
She is the seeker of
Lost souls..
She is so much more
Than simple
What's ifs..

Life is... Seeing the fire in his eyes as he walks towards you and that sudden reminder of last night lingers...

Life is... Trying to patiently wait while he sets up the scene and your mind runs wild with anticipation...

Life is... Watching that smirk that appear out of nowhere as he holds out his hand to lead you to the playroom...

Life is... The smell of leather and sound as he cracks the belt, the rustling of chains...

Life is... The reminder of when you sit down of who owns you and all the pretty colours of the rainbow...

Life is.. knowing your safe place and grounding is never far away, it's simply being in his presence...