Today I had a date with a potential dom and my anxiety and ptsd was flaring up. He wasn't quite sure what to do and I didn't know how to calm down. We got ice cream and we sat and laughed. He's a great guy! Then we went to a park and we played a little but again my anxiety flared so we went back to my car and we chatted about what was going on.
I told him that I didn't know what to do to please him so I needed guidance. Tell me what to do, when and how to do it. And he acknowledged that he never had to do that but he'd learn. It was a great conversation about what he needed and I needed in that space. From there I discovered that I wouldn't be a good match for him. What he needed wasn't something I could give because of my trauma and things I still needed to work through. And I told him so. I apologized for being jittery and freaking out and he was so kind about the whole thing.
I got home and I felt like a failure, broken because of how my trauma affected that moment and that potential relationship. It also allowed me to have that difficult conversation and really clear up a lot of things. So while trauma won at affecting my decisions and actions. It also told me to slow down and process what was happening in the here and now.
