Tersely Pertinent

So had a bit of time on my hands and decided to reorganize my tool rack:

What do you all think?   

Sorry to be clogging up the blog posts this morning, but not sleeping has also given me the opportunity to finish up a project I have been putting off for awhile.    This is what I call  The Bear Claw:

The head was given to me as an anniversary present.  It is super soft up to the chrome claws at the top. It was created by good friend who made a good deal of my leather toys.  The bad part is he never did understand how handles should work.   

So I ended up wanting to replace the original handle with this:

I can not wait to give it a try out!

Can words convey the simple desire to stare into a submissive's eyes, seeking what lies deep inside?   The thoughts, the needs that rest within, seeking to burst forth.   Do I speak of my own needs of being sadistically abusive with the tools of my trade, my hands and my thoughts?

What is it that I can lure you into my world?   To see the beauty and the tears that can rain down from a submissive's eyes while she looks up from below to beg for more?    More pain, more learning, more love. 

How is it that a man of humor and moderate intelligence seeks someone who understands there is more to the lifestyle than the next orgasam?  What drives such a man to want someone who will curl up at his feet and lay her head on his knee?   Someone who will take his pain and his love and his drive to make a submissive more?

Do words tell of the pain in his heart?  Pain of teaching D/s ideals to the shadows of yeasteryear, the pain of seeing old friends disappear amd no one taking their place.   

But....

Words do have meaning.  They do have power

and they do serve a purpose.

I am now as I have always been:  Simply a man seeking companionship 

TopekaDom, or TD for short.

Come, sit by my fire and tell me of yourself and your world. 

I will be happy to listen

Finally a bit of something that attracts me so:

While I do agree with Oceanic's premise and Love her  own replies, my own are somewhat different than hers and, certainly, going to be different than the rest of everyone else's.

To wit: My Three Demands in Life are....

1. Nothing
2. Nothing
3. Nothing

It is not that I do not agree with  those that make Demands.   They certainly deserve it, but my view point is way different.  

A long time ago, in my baby Domly days, I was given a great insight from a sub.   This sub had been involved with the lifestyle for a time and had met many a Dom.    So she parted this wisdom on down to me:

Be Commanding, Not Demanding

And there in lies the rub

Is there a difference?  

Of late, I have given great thought to this.  You see, for some time now I have found myself thinking of this person in great fondness.   We've know one another for some time and over that time, my fondness has changed to something else.  Today I have finally admitted to myself it is indeed love.  

Now you have to understand that "love" to me is something different than what most people think.   It is not a possessive emotion, seeking to own this person.   For me there is no "one true love".  The best way I can describe what I think of Love is Sean Connery and Christian Slatter's  lines about Love from the movie The Name of the Rose:

"Adso of Melk: Master? Have you ever been in love?

William of Baskerville: In love? Yeah, many times.

Adso of Melk: You were?

William of Baskerville: Yes, of course. Aristotle, Ovid, Vergil...

Adso of Melk: No, no, no. I meant with a...

William of Baskerville: Oh. Ah. Are you not confusing love with lust?

Adso of Melk: Am I? I don't know. I want only her own good. I want her to be happy. I want to save her from her poverty.

William of Baskerville: Oh, dear.

Adso of Melk: Why "oh dear"?

William of Baskerville: You *are* in love."

Seeing this scene in the theater, years ago altered my view on Love.   Back then I, indeed, confused Love with Sex.  I would often tell women I loved them get to laid.   But this scene showed me how wrong I was.   Yes Sex was fun but Love....Love was something to cherish.  Something to honor.   

But still, something confused me:  What is the difference between Loving someone one and Being In Love with someone?   Does being In Love require the act of Love be returned?   Before my change of view on the emotion, I often fought with the demon of Unrequited Love.   But, after my conversion, I understood this was a thing with no power.   That Loving somone was my own emotion and it was foolish of me to need them to return it.    Not only foolish but selfish.

Still, when I spoke with others about this, often some of them would ask: "But are you In Love with them?"

Then and still now that question confuses me.   I don't understand the difference.   Is there one?  Does my philosophy of Love require a difference?  Is this something I really want to think about?

After all my years and all my thinking and feeling.....

I simply don't know.  

1: That's none of your god damn business

2: I don't do data mining

3: I'm being a royal prick

Silvia was dead inside.   

No more tears.   No more thoughts.   

Nothing.

As she glanced around at the rest of the coffee shop, she saw the other patrons still enjoying their day.   Laughing, talking, drinking their coffee, like the world had not ended.    She guessed it still existed for them.   It went on being a sunny day and things were going to be ok for them still.

But not for her.  

With the closing of a door, Silvia's world stopped revolving.  To her, it didn't matter if it was rain or shine.   Day or night.    It was going to be the same for the rest of her life: forever dark.

With a sigh, she decided she might as well go home.   "I can be just as miserable there as I can here," she thought to herself.   Silvia got up and gather her and Matt's coffee cups for the trash.   Walking to the receptacle almost  took more energy than she had left in her.   When she got back to the table to get her purse, she saw the yellow envelope still next to where she had been sitting.  

Silvia picked it up and stared at it in her hand.   Then she began to shake.   Not from cold, nor from tears.    Anger was what she was feeling!  How could he do this to me, she screamed in her mind!   How could he walk out after all the talk we went through?    All the instruction!  All the pictures He helped paint for her with His examples!   Was that all it was?   Just talk?

She turned around and almost stormed out of the coffeeshop.    Walking by the trash receptacle on the way to the door, Silvia had half a thought to just chucking the damn thing in.   She reached out her hand to give the envelope a  good shove, when she stopped.   

No....

This.....This is my reward.    No matter what it is, I worked for this.    I need to see it though to the end.

Silva left the coffeeshop with a final determination.   She wasn't going to wait til she got home, she was going to open there in the car.   Yes, it was against His final orders, but to HELL with him.   He left me there all alone!  With that thought, Silvia stomped over to her car, unlocked the door and tossed the yellow thing into the passenger seat.   She then sat there and wondered if she should.    "I know I don't owe him anything,"  bubbled into her thoughts, then it all went quiet.    

Silvia picked up the envelope and looked it all over.   On the front was Matt's name and an address.   Slightly perplexed, she wondered if this was his home.   Why on earth would he put that there?    He never told her where he lived.    Squeezing the package told her there was something small in it, but could not tell exactly what.    Her left hand went to open the clasp to see what was inside...

No, Again.

She did owe Him something.   She owed Him one last act of obedience.  That wasn't exactly right, she thought.   I owe myself one last act of obedience to him.   With that, she set the envelope back in the passenger seat and started her car to head home.

After putting her car in the garage, Silvia walked in the mudroom and into the house proper.   She crossed the sill into the kitchen and hung up her keys and purse.   She then walked into the dinning room.   Silvia didn't use it much anymore since her husband moved out.   She either ate in the kitchen or the TV room.    Sitting at the slightly dusty table, she again stared at the package.    The outside still gave her now answers.

Oh, screw this already!   Just open the fucking thing!

Silvia popped open the clasp and reached her hand inside.   The first thing she felt was a piece of paper,  She pulled it out and discovered it was actually two pieces, both folded in half.  The top piece had a paperclip attached.    She set the envelope and second  paper down on the table so she could see what was on the first paper.  Unfolding it, she saw a ten dollar bill was under the paperclip.   On the paper itself, was a short sentence written in neat handwriting.  It read:

"For the Coffee and Postage, if necessary"

She tossed the sheet on the table.  Money.   One of His last acts was to give her money.     Eww, Silvia thought.     Slouching back in her chair, she reached out and retrieved the other piece of paper.   "I wonder what he will want in this one, " She grouched to herself, "a bill for time spent?"  Flipping the paper open with one hand, she glanced at it.  Again the neat handwriting.   The her eyes widened as she read what was there!   

Oh

My 

GOD!

"Silvia," It started:

 "I can not begin to tell you how much I have enjoyed our time together!  You have been such an apt pupil during our discussions and I truly believe you will make a fine subject for further education within my world.   However, this is not something I can pull you into by force or deception.  This is a choice you, and you alone, have to make.   I am more than willing to hold out my hand and lead you into this world, but you have to cross that line of your own volition.   This world is not something you have ever experienced before.   It will be new.  It will be scary.  It will be painful.   It is not for everyone or the weak. 

Enclosed is my invitation for you to join me in it."

And then the tears fell again.    Only this time, they were incredibly, incredibly, incredibly happy tears!

Silvia threw the paper on the table and picked up the envelope!  Turning it upside down with her right, she held out her left to catch what was left in the damn thing!   But nothing came out!  Shaking the package, she felt something finally dislodge and land in her hand.   It was a piece of leather about 8 inches long and, maybe, two inches wide.    A chrome buckle and a small D ring in the front.    She knew what it was, but never thought she would ever wear one.

A collar.   He had given her a collar!

`fin`  

"Silvia, I need you to be here with me right now."

Matt's words brought Silvia out of her reverry!  Here she was thinking about her past with Him when He was right here in front of her!   Fuck, Silvia though, I'm failing Him already.  

Her eyes focused back on Matt.    He was leaning forward with His hand across the table, palm up.  Like a small child who knows they have done wrong, Silvia slowly placed her hand in His.  Matt very gently closed his fingers around the back of hand.   Slightly tugging her toward Him, Matt looked Silvia in the eyes and said "What I am about to say is very important.  Probably the most important thing I will ever say to you.   So pay close attention." 

Releasing her hand, Matt once again sat back in the chair.   But He didn't say anything.    He pursed his lips and then again got that half smile.  Silvia sat there and watched him not say anything.    Nothing.    Maybe His breathing got a little deeper, but still nothing.    A single thought ran laps around Silvia's brain: He's going to turn me down! He's going to turn me down! He's going to turn me down! He's going to turn me down! He's going to turn me down! 

Matt set his cup on the table and began to speak:

"Silvia, within the lifestyle, there are many, many different philosophies. When I started this, a good number of years ago,  there was really only one.  But like all life, it has gone through and evolution and split off and gone off in many directions.    However, I have never changed the way I do things.   I am hard, and strict and, can be cruel.   But I am also loving, caring and uplifting.    I put people through sometimes incredible pain and humiliation.  I make them tired and will keep them awake.   I lock them in cages overnight and shower them in cold water. "

Matt picked up his cup and took another sip.   Silvia noticed her mouth was open.   With a slight clack of the jaw, she wondered where all this was going.  Resuming His posture, He continued:

"But I also give marvelous massages and love drying people off after a shower.    One of my fetishes is brushing hair.   I try to cherish those that work under me.   To those outside the lifestyle, it is a very strange dichotomy.    Not everyone understands it and sometimes, not even those within the lifestyle understand it.   And yet there it is."

"Silvia, what I am, in my view, is a sculptor.   When I look at someone, I see them as a lump of clay.  A chunk of stone.  I try to look within and see if I can picture a piece of art that wants to break out.  To be born.   But that art needs someone to midwife the birth.   Someone to bring it forth.  The problem is not all art is ready to be born."  Matt again paused to pick up his coffee again.    

Silvia trembled.  She wasn't sure whether it was from the constant look of His eyes or the frustration of His prolonging this.   She knew He was going to turn her down.    The tears again began to well in her eyes.   Her head dropped to face the table, so Matt could not see the rain begin to fall.  "What about me, Sir?   Where do I fit?"

Matt leaned forward, cupped her chin in His hand and lifted her head up.   "My dear," He told her, " you fit where you need to belong.   But you...need to decide where you belong."  Silvia opened her mouth to say something but Matt's hand flashed from her chin to her lips.   She was shocked on how fast he moved and how gentle the touch was.   First all four fingers covered her mouth and then just the index.   "No." He said. " No words, no sound. "

Matt scottered his chair back and stood up.   Gathering his cane with one hand, He pointed to the yellow package with the other.  "Take that with you and when you get home, open it.   Then you will decide where you belong.    You will know what to do."  And with that, Matt turned around and headed for the door.    Silvia sat there in shock, not knowing what to do or what to feel.    She turned her head to watch Him  walk through the coffeeshop door and then, like the morning dew, he was gone.

By the time Silvia had gotten to the counter, she had wiped the tear tracks away.  She hoped she didn't look a mess, or, god forbid, look like she had been abused!  That thought alone made the tears disappear.   Lucky for her, there wasn't anyone else in line.   Silvia didn't want to keep Him waiting. 

After placing her for the house brew, Silva waited to the side when she came upon a sudden realization: 

She was already serving Him.

Yes it had been a request and a small request at that, but still!   She couldn't believe it.  Ten minutes after meeting him and here she was at his beck and call.   Is this it, she wondered?   Is this what it is like?   In public even?   Wow

Silvia picked up his coffee and proceeded back to their table. All the way, thoughts were running through her head:  How do I give it to him?   Do I hand it to him?  Do I set it on the table?    Do I offer to pour the cream for him?   OMG, Silvia stammered to herself,  I hope he isn't wanting me to kneel and hand it up to him! 

When she got to the table, she bent at the waist, placing the very warm cup on her palm while holding it with the other hand.   "Your coffee, Sir." Silvia said while extending her hands towards Him.  Matt half smirked while accepting the cup and nodded to her chair.  While she was seating herself again, Silvia noticed a small package on the table to the right of her place.  

It was a yellow padded envelope, about six inches long.  Silvia could see it wasn't all the way sealed, just by the two prongs through the little eyelet thing.    She looked up at Matt who was pouring cream into his cup and not paying attention to her.   She didn't know what to do, but the curiosity was getting the best of her.  Silvia reached up a hand from under the table to pick up the package when,

"No"

She froze like small child who was caught stealing cookies.  Moving her hand back under the table, she looked up at Matt from under her brows.   "We will discuss that in a bit, my dear, " He said.  " But first, let us discuss why we are here."

Matt sat back in his chair, holding his coffee in his lap with both hands.   "Silvia," He started, "We have been talking to one another for a couple of months now.   You were wise to take Sarah's advice and calling me.    I know that was a hard thing for you to do.  But that showed me you were serious about taking that first step.   Over the next couple of weeks, you convinced me you were serious.   You are not just someone who is looking to get their rocks off by just being kinky.

Siliva waited patiently while He took a sip of his coffee.  She remembered how scared she was to make that first call.  I mean, she thought to herself, what do I say to him?   "Hi!  My name is Silvia and I want you to tie me up and beat me!"   She remembered the  groan she let out when that idea ran though her mind.   How do you start this conversation?   What do I say?!?!    Silvia almost just deleted the contact and wanted to throw her phone away.

But no.   She needed this.  She deserved this!  So he hit the green button.

Then she almost giggled herself silly when the phone rang and got no answer.   When the call switched to the voicemail, Silvia sat upright with sudden thought!   She listened to the voice on the recording, saying how He was sorry he could not take the call right now, but to leave and message.

Beep

"Hello Sir.  My name is Silvia and your name and number were given to me by Sarah Worthington.   When you have time, I wish to speak to you about learning from you.    Learning how I can do my very best for you.   Thank you!"

Hi Everyone!

I am so sorry I haven't posted the last installment of the novella yet!   

It isn't that I am not going to finish it, but life and illness has gotten in the way.   I will get it written and posted on Monday for sure!

I want to thank everyone who has written me and asked me about it and all the love everyone has shown for the story thus far!

Brian