6/7/2020
It’s a question I have wrestled with for more years than I can remember.
I’ve sought from myself the answer as to why I seek what I do. Why I want it. Where does the desire come from?
Allow me to clarify some.........I ask for total surrender. A conscious choice to allow me to lead. A resigned acceptance that I can be trusted.
I have, and absolutely continue to do so, work to be trustworthy. I continue to fight to be the kind of man that earns respect. I work to prove myself worthy of earning submission, as I feel I should. I seek balance in all things within my life. Knowing honestly that I will always work at it. I try to be self-aware. Conscious of my limitations, faults, baggage and abilities in an honest fashion. I work to be authentic. I continue to diligently work to be shown as capable of holding a safe space for anyone to feel comfortable and at ease to let go if they choose.
I express all of this to remind myself of the truth that if I want total surrender I feel I must be found capable of receiving it. That I won’t misuse it. That I will accept it honestly. And deeper than that, I will treasure it and cherish it for what it is in my eyes, vulnerable trust that knows no boundaries. Sacred.
In my opinion, just as my dominance shouldn’t just be taken for granted. Just as my dominance should be seen for the hard work it is to remain humble, focused and found worthy and capable, so also is surrender.
In a d/s or m/s relationship I feel this is the culmination or realization of our deepest passion. Our needed desire met.
And yet, I have struggled with feeling like I am asking too much from a submissive.
Yes, I’ve been met with submissives that could only surrender so far. They weren’t capable, with me, of letting go any further. I’ve taken that personally in the past, I am ashamed to admit. I’ve put that on them as if they didn’t want to. Or they chose not to. When there is just as much truth that I didn’t create a safe space for them to feel as if they could. And yes, in some instances there was probably the reality that no matter what I would have done they would never have surrendered. We all aren’t meant to surrender to everyone. Just to the one whom we can feel that honest connection with and ‘know’ they have us.
I seek total surrender for what I feel are honest reasons. Because a submissive longs to, and I need it. I need to feel that trusted. That responsible. I’ve only recently discovered that this state is not necessarily an arrived destination, rather, a continued journey towards. I have felt total surrender is a choice. You make it, you’ve surrendered totally. The honesty is that’s not likely, nor very real. We are human. As such, we will always uncover pieces of ourselves that we get the opportunity to surrender to. In our relationships, but also, within ourselves. As we discover things that we’ve held onto out of fears, or pieces of control we hold onto because we can’t imagine doing otherwise, we will seemingly never arrive at a space where we will honestly yield all control. Surrender, as such, is often situational.
However, it can also be positional. The position of our hearts. Where we desire, want, even need to surrender and we acknowledge thusly accepting our own limitations of perpetual growth. When we express that we mean to, or seek to, always surrender despite our yet unknown pieces of control. For this, I seek. A space where a submissive says, “Regardless, I seek to give you all, no matter what.” And that is enough.
Am I wrong for this desire? Do I ask too much?
I want it. No, I would dare say I even need it. It is the best of me. I have lived a life where I have been told by every partner and significant person that has had a voice in my life that I am a failure. That I can’t get it right. That I should change to be this or that to get it “right”. I’ve suffered years under the weight of immasculation and demeaning. At my choice, yes. I could have changed the circumstances and didn’t. That’s on me totally. The point is, I’ve allowed myself my whole life to be guided and directed by someone else’s voice. Someone else’s opinion of who or what I should be. What I should like or enjoy. Even in the BDSM community I’ve been told the way in which I dominate isn’t ‘normal’. That somehow because I seek submission of the heart I’m ‘wrong’.
Am I asking too much?
This desire within me comes from the need to realize my innate ability to teach. To comfort. To guide. To lead. Not just for me to know it in my head, but for it to be an actualized truth in my world. To be trusted to do so.
Yes. I am too deep for many.
Yes. I am too intense for many.
Yes. I am too introspective for many.
Yes. I lay bare the inner most thoughts and workings of a submissives heart. And that’s incredibly vulnerable and often rather scary for too many to have the courage to receive. Mind you, NOT out of hate. Or picking apart. I simply seem to have this light that exudes from me that bares the soul of those around me. I don’t intentionally seek to do this. It’s not part of my plan. But I know it happens.
Am I asking too much?
I know that what I am seeking for isn’t easy to find. A diamond of great worth never is. I’m okay with that. The question I am asking of myself is, “Is the manner in which I am seeking this diamond unhealthy?”
Am I asking too much?
I can be an exacting taskmaster. I lock onto what I see and pursue it. I make no apologies for this. I see it as focused. Driven. Passionate. I’m also not above taking stock in my methods and seeing if there are more patient or tactful ways in which I get to grow and discover how to be more understanding. Hence.......
Am I asking too much?
I don’t believe that it is wrong in this lifestyle to pursue what fulfills us. So long as it is safe, sane and consensual how we define what we need is honest and permissible. Regardless of whether it’s liked or permitted by all or not.
I make no qualms up front what I am seeking......your heart. ALL of it. I won’t stop until I have it.
I’m relentless. Patient. Focused. Deliberate. Intentional. Purposeful.
With myself, and with my partner. There is always room to grow. Always room to expand our hearts towards one another. Always opportunities to find surrender and responsibility together.
If anything, I am guilty of feeling as if it has to look a certain way. Or, guilty of seeking it to be here or here by now. Or, seeing a way it can be bolstered or encouraged to flourish easier and being fervently passionate to nurture such a space regardless of where my partners capabilities lie.
I am guilty of saying within myself, ”If she would only do this. Why can’t she just see and do this?”
What I have discovered is this is an indictment on me. My mental space. It has nothing to do with my partner. I do this to me. Because I am so harsh on my own journey. Because I fail to extend grace to myself in so many ways, I fail to extend it then to them. This is my failure. My weakness. My impatience. My asking too much of them, because I ask too much of myself.
I expect too much of me. I expect me to get it all right. To always say the correct thing. To always be ‘on’. To always have the answers. To always be in the correct head space. To always meet all the needs, even when it’s not mine. I put this on me.
Why?
Because it’s what I thought others’ wanted of me. When I met ‘resistance’ from submissives in the past I’ve been admonished, “If you would do this or this then I would be able to surrender to you.” Which, is utter manipulation. Not honest. At best they were saying they didn’t feel safe to surrender to me, for whatever reason. Even if that reason had nothing to do with me. At worst, they wanted their surrender to look the way they wanted it to look because they wanted what they wanted from the relationship without caring about what I was seeking for from the same relationship. Either way, to express that I only need to do this or that in either context becomes a manipulation when it is laden with guilt or punishment for my consistent desire of their heart which was stated honestly from the start.
I learned to do more. Be more. Pay more attention. Give more. Do more.
The only thing that did was show them, and others, that I could be manipulated. They got what they wanted.
“If only you did this or that........” became my driving force. And I can NEVER reach up to the potential of others’ expectations of me I and they aren’t even aware of.
So, I learned to ask too much from myself. And I gave more than I should.
Today, I’m learning not to ask so much of myself. Because, I am also learning, I am asking too much of my partners. Expecting them to live up to a standard that even I can’t reach. Total anything. I am flawed. Imperfect. I’ve admitted that to myself and have learned to love myself despite it. Sadly, I’ve also witnessed pieces of myself here where I am failing to love myself clearly. Failing to give myself grace to ‘get there when I get there’. So, I transfer the same judgment I have of myself onto those around me. Impatience and lack of understanding.
Am I asking too much?
I’m not. I deserve to receive my partners heart.
I simply don’t get to define what that looks like and the timing of how that manifests. THAT is asking too much, because it’s not mine to control or define.
I hope this writing finds you pursuing your truth today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
