A question I ask every s type I am considering,
”Tell me your greatest fear.”
Why? Because I want to know EXACTLY what they think they’re afraid of. What moves them to be scared? How much will I get to navigate of this fear, if at all? I begin very early on with this question. I make them take a while to answer too. I don’t want an off the top of the head answer per se. I have found that most s types have an idea of what they fear but often lack the inner wisdom to readily answer without dwelling on it.
For Amethyst it was exposing herself emotionally. This gave me a huge insight into how much I am going to get to hold a space for her emotionally.
Why is this important? Because if I hope to nurture her submission, if I hope to bring out the best in her, I am going to have to hold a space for her when she doesn’t want me to see her. When she wants to run and hide I am going to have to be extra patient. Diligent. Consistent. I am going to get the opportunity to show up and battle side by side with her in her fear.
Did you see that? I did NOT say I have to wrestle her fear for her. Nor do I or can I quiet them for her. She alone gets to decide whether she will allow me to speak into those moments of fear, or comfort her and she can receive that as a quietening if she chooses. But I don’t get to just up and decide if my care will quiet those fears or not. I can only be mindful of learning what she needs and offering it to her as she needs it, as she allows. She decides if I can be trusted. Even my care, my words. SHE decides to believe the merit in them or not. The ONLY thing I can do is show up. Consistently. Honestly. Patiently. THIS will show whether I am honest. If I am trustworthy. That I don't just arbitrarily decide to 'command' she submit to receiving me. Rather that I simply love her. And more than say it, I live it.
This requires an immense amount of learning her. I have spent hours upon hours listening to stories of her past hurts. I have discovered pains, regrets, doubts and walked with her through moments when she felt so scared she wasn’t sure she was ever going to trust anyone let alone me. You know what fear does? It makes a captive out of the individual that holds it. She wasn’t able to trust me because she couldn’t trust herself with the fear she held. She still has moments of wrestling with this. Oh, she’s learned that I am here and will never see her less than or judge her as wrong or damaged because she’s scared or in pain. But, that doesn’t change the fear that lies to her and wants her to continue to be held captive to those lies. She, like sooooooooooo many other people have been put down because of her emotions. Told her emotions were too bothersome. Told she shouldn’t feel so deeply, she should just ‘let it go’. Told she didn’t need to be so ‘dramatic’. Told that she shouldn’t take things so personal. On and on and on the put downs of her emotional outreach would continue most of her life. Like most, when we hear that on repeat, we begin to believe that it is the truth. It must be. Our emotions are too much. We are not balanced. We must not be. People we love, our family even, tell us these things. Past partners whom we trust have told us these ‘truths’. Unlearning and realizing that those ‘truths’ were about those persons’ inability to allow our emotions was a reflection of their weakness, not about us, is incredibly difficult.
So? What’s the point?
Dominants, are you prepared to stand next to an s type and allow them to navigate their fears? Moreover, are you willing to encourage them? Do you know how? Can you allow them to be in their emotions however that looks? Or are you trying to ‘manage’ them? Change them? Structure them to death?
There are s types out there that believe that structure, or their d type can ‘correct’ such emotional, what they see as ‘instability’. It will not last. Why? Because emotions aren’t wrong. They aren’t right either. They’re just what they are. We can't 'wish' them away. We can't legislate emotions. Honoring them. Allowing them to see the light of day and not judging them as guilty or innocent of anything but simply letting them be is often incredibly frightening. Emotions like rage. Anger. Pain. Hurt. Allowing them to simply exist. To be given an expression, regardless of what that looks like, seems like too much to an s type. Why? Because, they haven’t been shown how to navigate such emotions. Coupled with being told their too much, they’ve learned to hide. If, as a dominant, you choose to perpetuate the hiding by structuring to death or punishing her for her emotions you’re only reinforcing the same negativity they’ve lived under for their whole lives. They will implode eventually. The result of this is they will refuse to trust you. Even if they don’t know why, or what has happened. They will not be able to let you in. They will not feel safe.
As a dominant we should know exactly how to navigate such spaces. We should be able to speak peace, calm, resiliency, care, devotion into an s types world simply by being there. If we cannot, what are we dominating?
Being dominant is NOT about how well you can fuck her.
Being dominant is NOT about how much you know.
Being dominant is NOT about how long you’ve been in the lifestyle, what implements you know how to use, how profficient you are at rope or flogging.
Being dominant is about exuding a strength of character that NEVER waivers when the emotional tides that is an s type come your way. Being patient to stand your ground with care, gentleness of understanding and firmness of resolve that says, “I’m not going anywhere. Be yourself. Let loose. I’ve got you.” AND they can believe it. They can trust it.
THIS more than ANYTHING is what being dominant is about. You know why? Because the scene you want to have, it’s asking the s type to trust you’re not going anywhere, you want them just as they are. You can hold them safely as they can let go. That you treasure and cherish their submission and can reassure them that you’ve got them. That they can trust you. The same as the preceding paragraph. A scene is a microcosm of what an s type hopes to find within ALL of their submission. SAFETY. Understanding. Consideration. Guidance. Acceptance. Respect. Strength of character. Integrity. Trustworthiness. Patience. Patience. Patience.
A good fucking isn’t going to give them that.
How much you know isn’t either.
Your length in the lifestyle won’t aid them if you can’t be trusted. Your ability to use a flogger or rope aids you only as far as play is concerned, what happens with their heart when their afraid though? THAT is the real question.
OH HOW THEY WILL BE AFRAID!!! Scared, doubtful of even you and your sincerity. They will question your resolve. Push you away in their panic. They don’t want you to see them in this ‘chaos’, yet, they sure hope you have the strength to stay and truly see them.
THIS IS DOMINANCE. The patience to understand that an s type is often a deeply feeling individual that just wants to be able to find some peace. They hope for an individual that can hold them safely where they are while they navigate their journey. IF they trust you, they hope you can encourage, support and guide them.
How are you going to do so?
What methods are you going to use that helps the s type become the best version of themselves and supports them quietening their fears?
How are you going to prove yourself worthy? By calling yourself dominant? That’s it? That’s NEVER going to cut it. So what........the next guy says so too. PROVE IT!!!
How are you going to earn their trust so much so that when their fear arises you are allowed to witness them in that space? Mind you, if they’re hiding this space from you........you haven’t earned their trust yet. You aren’t close enough to them to truly see them. They don’t believe in you enough. There is something in you lacking they can’t quite trust. What are you going to do?
That’s their problem you say? It’s up to them to surrender and give you all you think huh? Hahahahahahahahahaha. You are SOOOOOOOOOOO far from understanding dominance you may NEVER gain honest submission.
The integrity of dominance is in the inspiration of submission.
Read that again. And again. And again, until it registers.
No one OWES you submission. EVER. You earn it. You inspire it. S types WANT to submit, DESPERATELY. If they aren’t to you, if they can’t let you in, if they have walls they refuse to lower for you...........YOU ARE FAILING. Your dominance is lacking. An s type will gladly lower their eyes for a d type they can believe in. They will show utter respect for a d type that patiently nurtures their heart and mind into total submission. In fact, they’re BEGGING for it. It isn’t really that difficult........
GIVE A DAMN. Get to know them. Truly know them. I can tell you what Amethyst is thinking right now and I’ve been writing this for 45 minutes while she is writing herself. I can tell you some of the deepest fears of many s types on the Cage. I can tell you of many of their hopes, desires, wants, passions. Why? Because I am a dominant, I make it my priviledge to learn submission. To study it and the people that hold it. Why? Because I am dominant, I am in-tune with submissives. It is all that nurtures and brings out the best in me, why wouldn’t I want to immerse myself in the pursuit of learning and growing myself to become knowledgeable of submission in all it’s facets? To that end, I will NEVER be done. There will never be a completion of understanding. There will only ever be being better at inspiring submission.
Dominants,
How are you inspiring submission?
What about you is trustworthy?
How much effort are you willing to give to learn submission, the thoughts that encourage it? The desire of it? The fears that seek to cripple it?
Why not? How can you expect to receive it then?
What do you have to offer besides a groin area full of lust?
How can you be better?
Do you know how to silence fears?
Can you quiet yourself and allow an s type to just express what they feel without the desire to ‘fix’ or ‘change’ them?
Can you guide them to the best and safest place for them?
Can you see through their pain and their pushing away to see they desperately want you to be strong enough to see them?
Can you see they want to let go but are afraid of doing so? What will you do to inspire them to feel safe to do so? Why not?
How strong are you really if you can’t allow them to be afraid and express that fear however?
Who are you?
What kind of person are you?
What are you doing to engender dominance?
How much patience do you really have?
THIS is all over just one base fear. I would dare say it is one of the most insidious and threatening fears that capture each and every one of us in some way.
It’s what Amethyst’s fear is about. Her fear of emotional vulnerability, at it’s heart is what so many of us fear.
Not being enough. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not skinny enough. Not kind enough. Not generous enough. Not strong enough. Not willing enough. Not submissive enough. Not dominant enough. Not gentle enough. Not gracious enough. Not patient enough. On and on and on and on.
If you as a dominant do not know how you’re going to answer this fear within yourself, you will utterly fail at understanding the fear that resides deeply within an s type that is the same. They are looking to you for strength when they don’t feel like enough. They’re looking to you for help, encouragement, support, guidance. They’re looking to you to be trustworthy. To be believable. To be honest. To be transparent enough to see them and their fear. Can you?
This is how you earn submission. Be found worthy. Begin by accepting you may not have all of the answers, but you’ll be damned if you let fear control you. This by extension will help you understand an s types fear. How to care, nurture, encourage, comfort them when they’re afraid. So one day, one day they will learn from your example. They will see it can be done. They can trust that you know, you’ve been there. You’ve experienced it and found a hard fought victory over this fear. They can relax and follow your lead, because you honestly know where you’re going.
This is just over ONE fear. There are many others. There are all kinds of struggles in life. Yes, and beautiful victories and growth as well. We don’t just get to share in the positive and ‘perfect’ (no such thing) moments of s types as d types. No matter how fantasy like your dynamic is, reality is honest. There are wounds, scars of past hurts. Make sure you’re not another one in their life.
I pray this writing finds you focused on your purpose and that you’re extending grace to yourself and one another today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
