When I was young my mom always made sure to tell my sister and I that graduating high school was the most important thing. She had me when she was 16 and I was told how much of a regret that was. (now don’t feel bad about that statement because I don’t, anymore)
My mother worked retail job after retail job, always unhappy and missing something. She had my step-dad to take care of her. So my exposure to a sort of “D/s” relationship was early on. I did not realize this, at the time, but in thinking last night it came to me. My step-dad did everything for my mom, he loved her to the deepest depths of his heart, took care of her needs, and showed his appreciation of her daily. It was something I wanted for myself when I grew up.
My step-dad was more a dad to me than my biological dad. He met my mom when I was 1.5 years-old. He took me in, loved and cared for me as though I was his own blood. I will never forget the moments we shared. I loved him unconditionally.
Then one day my mom, being my mom, started to show her jealous side. She hated that I had a great relationship with my step-dad and would always sabotage it by picking and doing little things. My step-dad, luckily, didn’t fall for it. He is a great dad and man! However, my mom tends to sabotage a lot of things. Her jealousy began to get the better of her after I graduated high school and went on to college. She became mean and envious of me. I was “better” than her. I didn’t want to go down the same path as she did, I wanted to go down my own path. She didn’t like that, even though she pushed for it so hard. I had to move out right after my 19th birthday because she had my, only, little brother and I would be stuck taking care of him as I did my 4 younger sisters before him.
When I moved out my mom cut off all ties and said I was no longer part of the family, that I had betrayed her, and that I would feel what it’s like not to have anyone there for me. She was wrong because I had met a college professor that same year who was amazing, she helped me through so much after leaving my home. She helped me get to where I am today by believing in me and guiding me, as a mother should. She is the woman I now call my mom.
I was headstrong on making sure that I got my education and graduated with a degree. I now have my Masters and I am in school to get a second. I love what I do for work. I have things that I call my own. I am mostly happy with the path I chose to follow.
The reason for this blog is because I sometimes feel as though I made the wrong choice. I am 32 and I don’t have anyone in my life I would like to spend the rest of it with. I don’t have children and I do want them. So I question if it was the right thing to do or if I should’ve been open to more serious relationships, marriage and kids then I was while going down my chosen path.
