CtAndy's Random Thoughts and Writings

When the desire to do bad things is strong but there isn't a sub around to do them with.

The epitome of frustration.

Intention doesn't matter.

The perception is, and always will be the reality.

People almost always assume the worst, even when the intentions were good.

If you are too close to something it is impossible for you to see it for what it really is.

In order for you to see the truth of anything you must be able to step back and observe the perspective of the full picture.

Too many opportunities are missed by people that fail to widen their perspective and remain narrow minded.

Opening your mind to possibilities that you have never considered may show you that exactly what you are looking for is much closer than you expected, just in a different place or form.

The ability to shift perspective in awareness, to access and observe things through a meta-awareness, is a true super power of consciousness.

Expanding consciousness and the development of understanding one's self is the most profound exploration one can embark upon.

The most valuable resource that any individual has is time.

You can never repay someone their time.

If someone has gifted you their time, they have given you a piece of themselves.

Most people don't understand how truly valuable time is until they no longer have it.

Be in the moment, be present, and cherish the time you have with those you care for.

The exploration of self is the most meaningful journey one can embark upon.
To study self, is to study everything, for without self, there can be nothing.
To know self, is to know the universe.
To conquer self, is to conquer ego.
To accept self, is to accept imperfect perfection.
To understand self, is to understand all existence.
To master self, is to master the mind.
To enlighten self, is to move towards enlightenment.
One cannot know something and not love it, to love it is required to truly know it. To know one's self is to love one's self.

In my time of exploring the wonderful erotic world of BDSM and many of its various different nooks and cranies that the majority have not divulged, I have found that two words are the absolute most important for any interaction or scene or ongoing dynamic when jumping into the figurative deep end of the pool. What are those two most important words you ask?

INFORMED CONSENT!!

Some on here I'm certain are on the new side of things and are unfamiliar with what such a term entails. Informed consent is not just simply getting consent for an event or scenario or scene with a loose set of guidelines and possibilities of what might happen. Informed consent is the detailed discussion of any and all aspects that are planned to occur during said even and the full and unquestioning understanding of all parties involved as to what is expected.

Everyone has been informed, everyone fully understand, and everyone fully agrees in a non altered state,  i.e intoxicated or high or in an altered mental state such as sub drop or in sub space. Then once that has all happened and you have discussed the safety aspects and expectations of what you are doing, then AND ONLY THEN, do you proceed forward with the event.

Practicing informed consent should be standard procedure for anyone and everyone involved in play, especially when doing into the edgy and fringe ends of the spectrum. You must always remember and be prepared understanding that you do not know what you do not know. No one has zero limits. Everyone has limits. So you need to know what you are going to do if you are in a scene and something unexpected happens, a new limit is discovered and your partner has an intense adverse emotional or physical reaction. What are you going to do when something goes wrong?

If you haven't asked yourself these questions in any level of play or dynamic and are not actively implementing these sorts of measures in your activities, you really need to take a look at yourself and ask if you should really be here and doing what you are doing. Take that hard look now before you injure someone or ruin someone's experience to the point they never come back.

Informed consent. Understanding. And preparation for the unexpected if something goes in a way it wasn't planned.

It's really not that hard.

Does anyone else find it odd that when you live in a place that has well over a million people living within a reasonable distance, and still don't hardly ever have contact with anyone even remotely local?  

Is this just a me thing? Am I looking in the wrong places? Is the area really just that saturated with guys? Seriously what is the deal here? One would think that someone could find a conversation or two with someone closer than 3 or 4 hours away on a semi consistent basis.  

Who knows, maybe I'm wrong.

A lot of people struggle finding partners within the world of BDSM. For any variety or number of reasons sometimes things just don't seem to work out. From someone lives too far away, or your kinks don't match up, to you have different dynamic preferences there is no shortage for finding incompatibility. The list goes on and the reasons are seemingly endless as to why we don't find the partners we are looking for. At times this can get really discouraging and down right depressing. I know at times, I've pretty much given up looking all together because it seems like the person that I'm looking for must not exist. The simple truth of the matter is that is not true though. It may be rare and hard to find, but they are out there somewhere. 

It can be easy to find a big fish in a little pond. On the other hand, it can be nearly impossible to find even the biggest fish if you are looking in the ocean unless you just happen to be looking in exactly the right place at exactly the right time. Then when you do see the big fish, what if it wasn't the correct big fish, what if it looked like the fish you were looking for, but not quite, or it was already with another fish? Well I guess that means you just have to keep on looking. Some people will attach on to the first fish that they find and be satisfied with that. Some people are happy with that. I don't think that I can be one of those people. I don't think many of us can be. I think we need to find the one that fits us, the one that we are looking for, not the first one that comes along and pretend that its good enough. 

Then you have the people that hop from one fish to the next, to the next, and the next again. Seemingly a never stopping revolving door of fish. How do they ever know if they have found the right one when they haven't spent any time figuring out if they are or not. I don't have any interest in that either. Or in the fish hopper themselves. If they enjoy that sort of thing by all means go have your fun, but its not of interest to me. I want to find one and spend a while with them and at least put forth a solid effort to figure out if it is what I would like it to be and move forward from there. Constantly fish hopping seems like a whole lot of work to me. I would much rather just concentrate on one. 

The big pond is just that, its big. So in turn the search may take a while. That doesn't mean that its going to take forever though. The thing about going fishing is that if you have the right bait, eventually the fish that you are looking for seems to come and find you. So it might take a bit longer than you want it to, or even a lot longer than you want it to, and if it does make sure that it counts for that much more when it does happen. Out there somewhere is another fish looking for someone just like you, they just haven't found you yet. You just have to keep that in mind and know that someday, probably when you are least expecting it, you will likely cross each others path somehow. 

Stay classy, never give up, and never give in. The universe has a funny way of making these things work out in the end. 

When you start a family and have children you never really know how things are going to work out in the future. Some of us know that we are going to have to make sacrifices with our families that most never have to because of what we do for a living. We go into it knowing that, but you don't really know what its like until you know. You don't really know the cost until you have to pay it. 

This isn't the first time I've spent fathers day alone, but it is the first time in this unique situation. This time I'm not deployed or gone out to sea on a ship. This time my wife isn't here to keep me company while they are states away with their mother. Because of our current situation we living long distance for a while so that means that I am here in this house alone with only the dog to keep me company. Now don't get me wrong, the dog is great company and I would gladly spend time with him over most people, but on a day like today it sure would be nice to have my kids with me. 

Over the years I've found it very difficult to relate to people outside of the military community anymore. They really just don't have any idea and don't understand what its like to live this life. Most of the people that I grew up with have never gone more than a few hundred miles from our home town. Most of them have never spent more than a few nights, if any, away from their spouse or kids, let alone weeks or months at a time. Going through things like that kills a little piece inside of you over time. A piece that you never really get back, that will always be missing. It's a very strange thing to have people all around you and to simultaneously feel completely and totally alone. 

Today is supposed to be a celebration of fatherhood, but for many men like myself it is much more complicated than that. It can bring up much more. I am profoundly proud of my two amazing children. They are easily the best thing that I've ever done in this world. Unfortunately that doesn't change the fact that sometimes days like today, that are supposed to be a celebration, are sometimes painful and utterly lonely. To all the dads out there I hope you have the best Fathers day possible. For those having a difficult one, I salute you, and know that you are not alone.  

As a quick disclaimer, I am not everyone and this is my opinion and my opinion alone. I don't speak for all Dominants out there and I may not be looking for all of the same things. These are just my thoughts.  

I think a lot of people have the wrong idea or wrong impression of what it takes to be in a dynamic. They have this fairy tale mentality about BDSM dynamics and what they should be like. I imagine this is because in some ways they have been so romanticized and popularized that its a great fantasy for things to work out that way. Unfortunately though, that isn't reality. At least not for the majority of us. We don't need perfect. We aren't looking for perfect, and we don't want you to be perfect. What we want is honesty, trust, and genuine effort.  

Now those three things can mean a lot more than what they look like on the surface. So lets break it down a little. Starting with honesty. What does honesty mean? Well it means a lot. It means being honest, being truthful, being real, meaning what you say, and saying what you mean. It means so much more than that but I think that you get the idea. Take it from someone who found out the hard way how difficult life can be when you don't live it honestly compared to how much easier it is when you just live within the truth. When there are no secrets or games and you are just you, all of the good parts and the bad. You take responsibility for yourself and your faults and when you screw up you admit it. You are honest about who you are and what you want. One of the biggest parts in honesty in my opinion though, being a person of your word. If you say you are going to do something, or that you wont do something, you hold yourself to it. Your word is your bond. If you cant do that then you really aren't worth much.  

Next we move on to trust. So what is trust? Well to put it simply trust is a combination of honesty and actions. At least thats a very simply put version of what it is really. Without trust you can't build any kind of real foundation for anything. That applies to any kind of relationship and not just anything in the realm of BDSM. That applies to friendships and work relationships just as much as personal and romantic relationships. Without trust you can't ever really let yourself go in any situation. You are always on guard. Without trust nothing will work in the long term, it will all be just a superficial flash in the pan.  

Last we come to genuine effort. You can have honesty and trust, but it wont mean much of anything unless a person is willing to put forth genuine effort. You can have all of the perfect components and get absolutely nowhere if only one person is putting forth any effort or if one person is only putting forth minimal effort. We all understand that everyone has a life, we are all busy, we all have things going on, we get that. All I'm saying is don't claim to want something if you aren't willing to put forth the effort in actually pursuing or developing it. Maybe you don't put in the effort because you are scared, or any number of 100 different reasons, who knows. What I do know is how absolutely disheartening it can be when someone tells you over and over again that they want something with you and then they just never show up. If you want it, then you have to put forth the effort. Actual genuine effort. And yes that may mean taking time out of your day doing other things that you normally do like watching tiktoks or whatever other superficial thing it is that you spend most of your time doing. When you tell someone repeatedly that you want something with them, but also that you never have time for them its difficult but most people will still make an effort. When they later find out that you actually spend hours a day on social media not actually doing anything and you are still claiming that you don't have enough time for them thats a giant slap in the face. Learn how to prioritize what is important if these are things that you actually want and stop playing with the people that do actually want them if you don't.  

Honesty, trust, and genuine effort. In my opinion, I don't feel like those things are too much to ask, at least not to start with. Maybe I'm wrong, who knows. I've been known to be a little old fashioned in my values in that sort of way. Maybe I'm no longer with the times. If thats the case then so be it I guess. I have a feeling that I'm not the only one that thinks the way I do though. Here is to hoping that I'm not.