The Culture that has been here all the time

I can not remain like "a Rock Stuck in the Ground" A fellow songwriter always says it better than me: You Move Me.

"This is how it seems to me
Life is only therapy
Real expensive and no guarantees
So I lie here on the couch
With my heart hanging out
Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground"

Songwriters: Gordon Scott Kennedy / Pierce Ray Pettis, great words and harmonies.

I have lived decades of therapy, and finally, I convinced doctors that I really was bipolar, and that has made all the difference in my life. Even through the challenging eight years I was a sole caregiver, I managed to be on an even keel. It also helped that I was trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

Enough explaining.

I am also recovering from financial mistakes, and that is a limiting constraint, but as people often say, "life is too short to give up." At my age, it has greater meaning to me than to most people.

I attempted to upgrade here so I can add images, but so far, though I approved the transaction, it hasn't been validated.

Again, life has burned me alive, and I must rise from the ashes like the phoenix.

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT INFORMATION HERE ON A BDSM WEBSITE: I AM OPEN TO EXPERIENCING A RELATIONSHIP WITH A DOMINANT WOMAN. I hope I can meet her and an opportunity close enough in order to avoid financial travel challenges.

I know you can not see me, but I fear even if you were here, you wouldn't see me. I am vanishing. How do I know?

When I go to Walmart (I can do that now), no one smiles, says hello, or says excuses me. I am on a different planet, I'm now sure.

If I knock something over, no employee comes to help me clean or pick it up.

Is this the future shock I was warned about?

JH

Even before my wife passed, she was either on the living room sofa bed or the hospital bed provided by Hospice, so I was sleeping alone. Wait, that is not entirely true. My dog lay against my back, and my cat cuddled close to me; both helped me stay warm on cold nights. They reminded me of my loss. Not just the loss of my wife, but the realization that, through fifty-plus years, I always had an intimate partner and seldom slept without her.

Yes, they remind me of too much; too many good memories. Happy they are here, partially to penetrate my lonely existence.

I keep busy running this house and practicing my guitar, and I'm able to run out for errands, but being a transplant to this nice old town has lasting consequences: I only get to know people here in a cursory way.

Longevity runs or ran in my family, and I cannot remember any family member living out their last days in this kind of situation. Family members were always visiting them until their end.

I guess this is the way it will be for the first humans who colonize Mars.

Because my wife passed away after eight years of dementia, my mourning has been spread out, but now I am feeling her loss more because I realise she was my anchor in life for forty-one years. I may be adrift in a treacherous and sad world now. I feel utterly alone. Yes, emails, phone calls, and texts do happen, but the intimacy is gone. I am grateful for those contacts.

I restarted my song work, guitar playing, and eclectic studies, which help but can never replace a human hug of encouragement: the embrace of a lover.

I once found it curious when television or movies presented a character who would speak to an urn containing the ashes of a lost loved one. The irony is that I am now one of those characters.

Now that the stress and restrictions of being a full-time caregiver have been lifted, I am getting out on errands, and my walking gait is gradually improving. I feel physically better, my health issues and mental issues are well under control, and going in the right direction.

I do not harbor hate for family and people that let me down, but the lyrics in a song  "Little Rock": "You know your daddy told me when I left
Jesus would forgive, but a daddy don't forget." Yes, I forgive, but I do not forget, and I avoid being abused by these people again.

One more day, a day at a time.

JH

No, we are not born with the perfect qualities to have us excel in a relationship. It is on the job trainings and mistakes will happen, some painful. ASAP, when you and your partner have a quiet moment together, have an honesty session. Sit facing each other and ask each other what is believed to describe the state of the relationship. If you are familiar with the "Benjamin Franklin" pro-and-con sheet, use it. Blank page with a center vertical line one side for pros and the other for cons.

The interaction surely will lead to discussions, maybe negotiations, and solutions. Visit this exercise as needed to improve your relationship. 

If you are perfect and have a perfect relationship ignor this blog post and carry on.

Each day is a new experience as a first-time widow. Dementia affects everyone around the afflicted person. Being a survivor in a rather large family, I see ghosts every day, not the horror-show kind but friendly ones. Why? That is my nature; I chose it to be that way. Strange as it may seem, having two past marriages that ended in divorce and one other close woman, I love them still because I choose it to be that way, even if they "done me wrong". Besides, I claim no perfection; life was for learning and becoming a better person.

Attend to important matters and rediscover songs; purchased an inexpensive guitar that is not a security risk and fits me physically better, so I am resurrecting old knowledge and skills. Choose a preferred set of strings, for example, and dust off some things like an amp, effects, and mics. I told the director at the local senior center that when I am ready, I will lead sing-alongs with my fellow people (she asked how much I would charge; LOL, doing it will be my reward).

When I moved her in 2022, I fell, and then again a couple of years later, and the challenge of lifting my wife and attending to her stressed my body. I am independent and self-sufficient. Each day, I actually seem to reverse some of those negative effects. Soon, I hope to toss my cane aside.

I do not drink alcohol; nevertheless, when the local Irish pub has Celtic music, I will go there even if I only drink seltzer water LOL.

Thanks for reading. I will share more as I can.

Jim

Today I had business at my local bank branch, while there, the woman who took care of my needs was a wonderful woman with a Celtic look. Deep blue eyes and dark hair. When I returned home, I selected Celtic music on my computer to add to the mood. My late wife had that look, and that evokes memories.

No, not the death of my wife last month after an eight-year battle with dementia, but how it has affected me.

I have decided that what life I have left, I will live it alone. No, I still function well for my age; it's just that I do not want the drama and risks of another close relationship. The eight years I cared for my wife during her battle taught me much. Most of our family didn't help me, and the help I did get from anyone wasn't great. The exception was the three months Hospice supported me in the end.

I barely take care of the house and even myself; I just lack motivation. Sometimes love motivated me through life in ways I did not recognize, and now just the memories of the time of love aren't enough to energize me.

Jim

PS, I just had the loneliest Valentine's Day in my whole life.

There are many ways to view one's existence: The easiest way is to rely entirely on external factors. The most challenging approach is to strive for complete self-reliance. Exploring new possibilities can be a challenge, exhausting, and has unintended consequences.

Here are some seemingly innocent sayings: a) The devil made me do it, b) I was just following orders, c) It is the way it is done, d) That is the way I was taught. e) Everybody does it like that, g) I don't know what made me do it, h) It seems right to me, i) it is logical, j) It is what I believe . . .

Do you think about your life, or do you live it as it is without question?

Some people think I am a wise old man (at least the few I interact with). One reason is that when they learn that my wife and I have been together over forty years, and for several years I have been her only caregiver, it has grown more of a challenge each day. I don't think she recognizes me as her husband anymore, only as someone who is taking care of her.

What most people are unaware of is the details of a long-term relationship, including the challenges, successes, and failures that come along the way.

Seventy years of observation and experience lead me to these conclusions: 1. Love is easy 2. Trust is not easy. 3. Sex drive is always present, filled with temptations, needs, and tensions. NOTE: I believe that people in the BDSM community do better with sexual tensions because of the prevailing honesty of most participants.

Men and women inherently do not trust each other for good reason(s). If they fall in love and navigate the danger zones when trust is an issue or subconscious issue, they emerge with a better understanding of each other and develop a road to a better future.

It requires commitment, practice, and effective communication with one another.  Ancient wisdom still indicates it is best to have a mate and not be alone. (it is not good to be alone in effect I my reality is all me iam not made to be this way).