When did you discover the nature of your relationships? When did you discover you were not only vanilla?
For me, I decided very early on that Polyamory was for me, I was 5 to be exact. That may seem quite young, but pull up a chair (human or otherwise) or a comfy lap/pillow, and let me regale you with stories old (at least for me).
My parental units had taken us to a 5 days long Beer festival (by the fifth day, people were looking a little worse for wear), and were running a stall about environmentalism (this was in the 1980's so you can imagine the scenes and looks we got in an ultra conservative area). I was pretty much left to my own devices, and being the precocious and precarious little shi... I mean child that I was, I would say hello to each and everyone who would listen, and would make friends with anyone I felt drawn to. There was this girl, about my age, who was camping (glamping to be fair, though that wasn't a word back then) with her slightly older sister in a camper van that her parents had brought for them to sleep in, and I spend the day playing and doing all the things 5 year olds do (this was a rare occurrence for me) including and not limited to petty theft, role play, and drawing on everything we could get our hands on (is there a statute of limitations on drawing on a white van with blue crayon?). The day was getting late, and my parents cooked for us all (including her parents), and the little girl asked if I could sleep over with her.
That night I went to sleep surrounded by her, and her older sister. I woke, looking about me, and the only feeling I had was "this is exactly how it should be". This feeling never faded from my memory, but I could not put into words what it was about that moment that felt Right.
It was not until many moons later that I finally was able to put that feeling into words.
For context, there are three people in this world that I have fallen head over heels in love with, my partner and centre, a dear friend I have known for 23 years, and someone we met fairly recently. I love hard and quick (insert any "that's what she said" jokes you want, but I don't mean in that way... at least this time). I know how I feel about people incredibly quickly, and if I fall for them, I fall hard. I also accept that this is not a normal way of feeling, so never try to act upon it unless I know the other person feels the same. The happiest I have ever been has been when two of those three people are just lost in conversation (this has happened a few times with different combinations of the three), and I get to see them happy, laughing, and unaware of anything around them but the conversation they are lost in. I feel like I am home. Like the world is right. I feel like this is exactly how it should be.
We have had partners join us in the past, and while the sex was always very enjoyable, it was not something that felt right from a relationship perspective. It felt like sex always does; fleeting, nice, stress relief, something fun to pass the time with friends (Again, I know this is not how most see sex, but this is me remember, and I am weird), messy, and often something that is just to help cement friendships or help a friend through a rough patch. I have always seen sex as something different to making love. Sex is just the physical release of endorphins (or endolphins as I first wrote it "ak ak ak ak"), no different from skydiving or playing a video game, just something more in-depth. Sex is something to be enjoyed in the moment, something to be done with consenting adults, and includes or doesn't include kinky activities (as kink doesn't have to include sex for me).
Making love however is something deeply personal, something deeply intimate, something where the souls of those taking part touch, meld, and become one just for that briefest of moments. I also do not think that making love needs to have sex involved (though a lot of touching does happen, just through the nature of it). A good cuddle puddle can be love making, similarly a really good chat around a fire in the late of night, snuggled up next to each other, drinking hot chocolate, and just letting the world slip by is love making to me. A really good kink session where each person is left feeling complete, happy, and cared for can also be love making... I am very easily distracted, and this is definitely something for another post... but as context I guess it works.
What I am trying to say, is that it was not until much later in life that I discovered what Polyamory was. Once we did, we researched it... extensively. We looked into all of the different dynamics that are involved, all of the pro's and con's, all of the intricacies and challenges that would be involved, and upon talking about it at length, both me and my partner decided on our form of Polyamory. It was at this point we went around declaring it to one and all of our friends like it was some form of revelation from the gods... some were not surprised, some were confused, but thankfully all of our close friends just accepted it as our weird quirky nature. There are people we have not told about this, as we know they would not understand. But for the most part, we are incredibly open and honest about our relationship with other people, and we communicate amongst ourselves about everything too, so it works for us. Our form of polyamory fit what we sought after, what we thought of as Right
In terms of when did I discover I was not only Vanilla? Honestly, that is not something I can remember as a distinct event or moment, but the first time I was able to put a title to my preferred role was fairly recent. I had always been aware that I enjoyed playing with peoples pleasures, teasing, bringing people to the brink, and generally being a basta... I mean tease. My first real sexual encounter was a very prolonged event and I spent the whole time bringing my friend to climax and back. For every sexual encounter after that, I just found my own sexual release surplus to requirements as long as my partner/s were in the throws of pleasure. It wasn't until fairly recently (about 5 years ago) that I finally found out what it was that I could call my preferences, I am a Pleasure Dom. I have always known that I love Domination, I love being in control (again, perceived, the real power always lies with the sub), I am always happier being a sadist (small s) too. Something about being in control just feels like my jam (blackcurrant if you are wondering). I have tried being a sub, I have tried being a masochist, but I just prefer the other side, though I am willing to venture outside of my comfort zone for others enjoyment... as long as ultimately I am able to control the pleasure being administered. I love seeing people reach the edge of climax, the edge of release... then I withhold that... for a time at least (depending on their limits), and if left to my own devices would keep that up for years and years and year, leaving the poor dearheart a puddle laying in my arms unable to move or utter a word... before I understood how tiring orgasms could be, my first real sexual encounter left my friend suffering from exhaustion and she had to go to the hospital for electrolytes and hydration... I have since adjusted my aftercare to include appropriate safety measures. This is not a Flex but more of a Cautionary Tale for those unaware of how brutal orgasms can be (they are called Little Deaths in French for a reason).
When did you find your role, your preferences? Was it an "Always there" or was it a "Revelatory" moment? I cannot honestly say that what I am is weird or strange as it has always been with me, always been my nature. I tend to lead from the front, I tend to enjoy seeing others happy (even if I am not myself), and I always tended to shape and control the conversations around me without meaning to... really, I try not to, but I always end up talking WAY more than anyone else... it's a problem, but does help with my hobby of streaming apparently...
What was the point of this? I have no idea, I forgot what I was going to say and where I was going about half way through... anyway, I hope you are having a wonderful, consensual, day.
