There are days when feeling numb is the best you can hope for, when the blankness of nothing seems like a break in the storm. And then there are days like today; overwhelmed by every slight sensation, every slight noise, every single thought sends you on a deepening spiral downwards towards the abyss of darkness that threatens to swallow your very being, and you end up longing for that numbness.
Spike Milligan once said:
"Depression is a gift and a curse. I get the pain much worse than anybody else, but I see a sunrise much more beautiful than anybody else"
I don't agree about the 'Anybody Else' part, but I get the sentiment.
Pain is subjective, one persons pain maybe another's pleasure, but it doesn't make that pain any less felt or any less severe, and vice versa too, just cause you don't like something for the pain it causes, does not mean that the heights of pleasure that elicits in others is lessened by your experiences.
I was abused as a child, multiple times, by both men and women. Does this make me special? No, it was unfortunately all too common an occurrence. This happened over 30 years ago, but the ingrained fears, feelings, and guilt still haunt me to this day. As such, I am hyper focused on the idea of Consent, so for me, CNC just is not a thing I ever want anything to do with, but that does not make CNC a bad thing. For some, that release, that feeling of helplessness can both be sexy, and it can be cathartic. Giving up the control that was taken from me by force as a child is not something I can do, hence why I prefer to top or Dom. As a Dominant however, I understand that the control I wield is purely illusory, all the control lies with my sub/s. Once that safe word or action is uttered, I must stop, I need to stop. I cannot put someone else through what I, and so many of the people I know, went through. I digress.
Emotions can feel like the sharp edge of a rusty red hot blade, forcing it's way into your chest, cutting into your mind and soul like the claws of a cat whose walked in lemon juice. But, Emotions can also sneak up on you like said cat, slowly move onto your lap, snuggling down, and planting itself into your soul before you even realise it is there. Neither of these is any worse or any better than the other. The sudden rush of emotion can be enjoyable, as with love, kindness, happiness, or wonder, but it can also equally be devastating or destroying, as with love, kindness, happiness or wonder. Equally, the slow creep, the "I didn't notice till now" overwhelming force of emotions that just sneak into your head like a thief in the night can be both enjoyable, devastating, or downright destroying.
Sometimes, feelings, sensations, and trauma get the better of us. In those moments, we all need a safe word... if only life knew the meaning of consent.
This is when we need that something, that someone, that place we can go, to unload, to break the cycle, to ease those feelings. Sometimes, we need someone to tell us we are being overwhelmed by those feelings, sometimes we don't notice that damn cat slipping onto the keyboa;alskdjhfipfsda;hsdfa;klfds;jklfdsa;kljfsda;kl;kl;lkj;
Damnit...
