I am likely not alone in having spent my entire life wearing different masks for different people.
At school I found it easier to pretend that I was stupid, I found it just made life easier if I melted into the crowd. At university, I similarly pretended to be "average", only doing enough to pass with a comfortable margin.
Around people my own age, I always appeared self confident but less than those around me. In front of those older, I was dutiful, well spoken, and courteous. To those younger, I kept them at arms length, never letting them near me.
When out and about where nobody knows me, I am still constantly watching for threats, changing my gait, my stature, and how direct I am to suit. If I see a group of "tough guys", I walk at them, through them, just enough so they see a confident person, but not enough to notice me. I am just noticeable enough to move out of the way of, and just forgettable enough to pay no notice.
When at work, I was the geek, the unassuming, the one that kept his head down, just to get through the day.
My family still to this day see me as a "teller of wild tales", a joke, someone not expected to do well, and someone who couldn't possibly know anything of note or worth. I'm to be pitied, to be talked over, but not to, to be ignored... they don't, or can't, see me. I used to be angry that I had done such a good job, that they saw me like that. Now, I just don't care enough to contradict their false image. I have the only family I care about. Everyone else is just a genetic neighbour.
From a kink perspective, I have been submissive when all I wanted was to dominate, I have been "vanilla" when secretly I'm spicy. I have pretended to be something I am simply not so many times, just to fit in, or to not scare someone away that I thought cared or loved me... but how could they, they never met me, just the mask I allowed them to see.
It was not until I met my wife that I felt safe enough to be me. But, I had spent so long wearing other faces, being the thing people felt most comfortable around, being... forgettable, I have taken years to refind me. I still rediscover things about myself nearly daily.
I'm sure we all wear faces, masks, or act a certain way for others. Whether it's appearing respectable at work, hiding our kinky nature from lovers we don't trust yet, or pretending to not know the answers to the questions on University Challenge in front of our school mates. I'm sure we all fake who we are at some point just to fit in.
I also grew up around a very volatile situation. Arguments, verbal, psychological and physical violence, situations I would not put my worst enemies through... OK maybe a few of them I would... but the point is, I got very good at reading people from a young age... I had to, it was survival. The area I grew up in was the local authorities dumping grounds for the dregs of society, from paedophiles to sex offenders, from layabouts to drug dealers, from the poorest most desperate to the predators who preyed upon them. There were few in that area who weren't the cause of strife, or broken from it. So, I got very good at reading the room.
I also got very good at seeing beneath the masks people wore. The "tough" girl down the road whose parents had drilled into her the "Might Makes Right" attitude, who secretly was terrified of her shadow, and wanted nothing more than to draw. The "pretty boy", whose parents thought butter couldn't melt in his mouth, but used to abuse animals, torture other kids, and ended up in prison for trying to murder someone's granny for her pension. The Art teacher who liked to show off how good he was at everything, how amazing his art was, how funny he was, but secretly knew that even the worst artists in the area had more talent and imagination in their little finger than he had in his entire life, so used his position of power to crush the hopes and dreams of the children he taught cause he was a deeply petty and childish man terrified of the children around him. The "smart" girl who always stuck her hand up in class to show off how intelligent she was, to show everyone how special she must be, and always offered to help the teachers out, but in reality was just as lost as those she looked down on, was just as average as everyone else was, and would snear and huff whenever anyone else got the answers she could not.
I saw them all, and I pitied them. I knew they were all just acting, I saw the real them occasionally, I saw the cracks, and I wished we could all just be ourselves.
I try now to not wear the faces people expect, even when streaming on Twitch, I try to be authentically me. Sure, there are still things I keep between me and those I love, those I truly love, but, I try to be me as much as I can be now.
I don't do it for any other reason than to try and show people that it is the Real You that matters. The Real You is who people need to see. If we could all just be ourselves, relationships would be easier, life would be simpler.
We are not as perfect as we want others to see us as, nobody is, but our imperfections are what make us beautiful. Our individuality is what makes us special.
I'm not saying "Release the Kinky Kraken!" or "Let Loose The Gimps Of War!"... as amusing as that might be... I understand that there's a time and a place for extra curricular activities, but please, be honest with yourself while wearing your masks, both hypothetical and literal. Remember who you truly are, and accept yourself for it. Be your broken, beautiful self cause nobody else will be... excluding any movies made based on your life that is... and even then, break the damn mold!
I am so grateful to my wife and those that matter for loving this broken man despite his many faces, cause he's not pretty, he's not smart, but he does love hard, and gives great hugs and head pats... allegedly...
