Under The Whip

Self love is essential for living a fulfilling and authentic life. It is the practice of valuing yourself, acknowledging your worth, and treating yourself with the same kindness and respect you would extend to others.

You are worthy of love and kindness, regardless of your mistakes, flaws, or past experiences. Learning to love yourself is a journey, and it starts with recognizing your inherent worth and treating yourself with the compassion you deserve. Embrace yourself fully, for you are deserving of the same love and kindness you so generously give to others.

Instructions:
Reflect on the following questions with honesty and self compassion. This is a process of deep self discovery, and there are no right or wrong answers. Just an opportunity to learn more about yourself and embrace your worth.

1. How do you define self love, and what does it mean to you personally?
(Reflect on what self love means in your own life, and what practices or attitudes you associate with it.)

2. In what ways do you show kindness and love to others? Do you offer yourself the same level of kindness and care? Why or why not?
(Examine how you treat others with love and compassion, and consider if you extend the same to yourself.)

3. Can you recall a time when you felt unworthy of love or kindness? What thoughts or beliefs were contributing to this feeling?
(Think about a moment when you felt undeserving of love and identify the thoughts or experiences that may have led you to feel that way.)

4. How does your past impact your ability to love yourself in the present moment? Are there past experiences that have made it harder for you to recognize your own worth?
(Reflect on how your history might affect your self perception and ability to practice self love.)

5. Imagine that you are your best friend. What would you say to yourself if you were struggling with feelings of unworthiness or self doubt?
(Put yourself in the position of offering advice and support to someone you love. What compassionate and understanding words would you share with yourself?)

6. What are the qualities in yourself that you find difficult to accept or love? Why do you think these parts of you are hard to embrace?
(Identify aspects of yourself that you may struggle to love fully, and explore why these traits might be challenging to accept.)

7. What does receiving love and kindness from others feel like to you? Do you feel comfortable accepting love, or do you sometimes feel undeserving of it?
(Consider your ability to receive love. Do you fully accept it, or are there barriers that prevent you from receiving it with ease?)

8. How do you take care of your body, mind, and spirit? Are there any areas of self care you’ve neglected or could improve upon to show more love to yourself?
(Reflect on how you nourish your whole being, body, mind, and spirit, and identify areas where you might prioritize more self care.)

9. If you could speak to your younger self, what would you say to reassure them of their worth and teach them about the importance of self love?
(Think about the advice you would give your younger self to help them understand their worth, even during challenging times.)

10. How can you actively practice receiving love and kindness today, both from yourself and from others? What is one concrete action you can take to open yourself to love more fully?
(Consider one specific action you can take today to cultivate love in your life, whether through self affirmation, asking for support, or simply accepting compliments with grace.)

Many of us fear making mistakes because we associate them with failure. However, mistakes are an inevitable part of life and learning. They provide us with valuable lessons and are often the stepping stones to success.

Mistakes are not a reflection of your worth. They are part of being human and are integral to growth. By reframing mistakes as opportunities to learn, you give yourself the chance to thrive. Embrace your mistakes, because they shape the person you're becoming.

Instructions:
Reflect on the following questions and answer them thoughtfully. There are no right or wrong answers. This exercise is about understanding yourself better and shifting your perspective on mistakes.

1. How do you define failure, and how does that definition impact your approach to challenges?
(Reflect on how your current beliefs about failure might be affecting your willingness to try new things or learn from mistakes.)

2. Think of a recent mistake you made. How did you feel when it happened, and what did you learn from that experience?
(Explore your emotional response to the mistake and the lessons or insights it provided.)

3. Can you recall a time in your life when a mistake led to something positive or unexpected?
(Think of a situation where what you initially saw as a mistake ended up being a valuable experience or learning moment.)

4. How do you currently talk to yourself when you make a mistake? What would it feel like to offer yourself the same compassion and understanding you would offer a friend in the same situation?
(Examine your self talk and whether it is supportive or critical when you make an error. Practice reframing it with kindness.)

5. In what ways can mistakes help you grow or develop? How does this growth contribute to your self worth?
(Consider how mistakes are a part of your personal development, and how they can enhance your skills, mindset, or perspective.)

6. Do you believe that making mistakes is necessary to succeed in any area of life? Why or why not?
(Reflect on whether you think mistakes are an essential part of the journey to success and why or why not.)

7. How does the fear of making mistakes hold you back from taking risks or pursuing new opportunities?
(Analyze how fear of failure might be preventing you from trying new things or reaching your potential.)

8. Think of someone you admire. How have they dealt with mistakes or failures in their own journey?
(Learn from the people you admire. Did they openly talk about their struggles or mistakes, and what can you take from their approach?)

9. What are some strategies you can use to reframe a mistake as a lesson or a stepping stone rather than a failure?
(Brainstorm techniques or mindsets you can adopt when confronted with a mistake, such as focusing on what you can learn rather than on what went wrong.)

10. If you could give your younger self advice about making mistakes, what would you say? How would this advice empower them to approach mistakes differently?
(Think about how you’d offer a gentle perspective to someone who is struggling with making mistakes, and how this could shift their view on mistakes and growth.)

Weirdest place you’ve had sex?

TLDR: Dead end roads. Vista points. Tents while camping. Etc. Oh to be young and in love again.

The thrill of the unexpected! There’s something uniquely exhilarating about finding yourself in the most bizarre places, pushed by passion and curiosity. I’ve definitely experienced my fair share of “weird” moments, but one stands out above the rest. Having sex in the middle of a dead end, unused road. It was a surreal adventure that I will never forget!

It was a quiet evening, and we were feeling a bit adventurous. The stars were sparkling, the air was warm, and most importantly, the road was completely deserted. We stumbled upon this dead end road, with tall trees framing it like a scene out of a movie. There was an intoxicating mix of adrenaline and naughtiness in the air, just waiting to be explored. With just the whisper of the wind around us, we decided to seize the moment.

Let me tell you, there’s nothing quite like the thrill of doing something unexpected and a little risque, especially in a setting that feels so improvised. As we bent over the car, leaning against the hood, we could hear every rustle of leaves and distant chirps of nocturnal creatures. It didn't take long for us to forget the world outside and become lost in our own little bubble of excitement. Every sound heightened the thrill, and the privacy of that hidden spot made it all the more heady.

But the adventure didn’t stop there! Another fun moment was at a scenic vista point. You know the kind, those breathtaking overlooks where you halt for scenic photos, overlooking valleys, mountains, or shimmering lakes? It should have been a peaceful stop, but as we stood admiring the view, the environment was steeped in romantic possibilities. The sight of the sprawling vista cast a spell on us, and before we knew it, spontaneity took hold again.

With quick glances around to ensure we were alone, we hopped onto the hood of the car. With the panoramic beauty surrounding us, it felt like we were claiming a piece of freedom right there in our own little hideaway. The feeling of being out in the open, with nothing but nature around us, created an electrifying atmosphere that sent our hearts racing.

I’ve also found joy in other random public areas. Think of hidden corners in parks, deserted beaches at twilight, or even secluded spots behind some outdoor venues. Each place brought its own unique thrill, and of course, we always made sure that we were discreet and safe. Nothing beats the exhilaration that comes from that tiny dose of risk! But naturally we were truly safe.

For me, these wild escapades serve as a reminder that love and adventure are often intertwined, and that sometimes the most random locations can turn into the most memorable moments. The lightheartedness of these experiences makes for the best stories to tell later on.

Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes?

TLDR: Michael Myers, Ghostface, Yes please!

When it comes to kinks and fetishes, people often imagine a world filled with bizarre and outlandish preferences. But if you were to ask me, I’d say my kinks are pretty mainstream, maybe just a little on the playful side! Sure, there are tales of extreme preferences out there, but many of us find ourselves gravitating toward interests that might just be a notch above the everyday. Like my particular love for slasher costumes in the bedroom.

To be candid, I've never really considered myself to have anything too unusual. Many of my preferences can be seen in the wider kink community, where people come together to celebrate their unique turn ons. There’s a certain comfort in knowing that others share similar kinks, and that’s something I genuinely cherish.

When I think about what sets my interests apart just a tad, I can't help but giggle at the thought of dressing up in slasher costumes for some good old fashioned rough play. Picture this: dim lighting, the sound of eerie music, and the thrill of the unknown as my partner steps out in a spine tingling Michael Myers costume. It is not just about the fear factor, although a little adrenaline rush can be quite invigorating! For me, it is also about the delicious combination of role play and intimacy. There’s something incredibly enticing about blending the thrill of horror with the passion of sexual exploration.

I often find myself drawn to the dramatic aesthetic of slasher movies. Think iconic characters with their infamous masks and chilling presence. The blend of fear and desire creates a tantalizing cocktail that's hard to resist! Through these play scenarios, I find a unique sense of freedom and excitement. There’s a playful line drawn between fear and pleasure that adds an exhilarating twist to my intimate moments.

Now, I understand that slasher costumes aren't your average outfit choice for a cozy night in, but for me, it is exhilarating. On one hand, you have the playful, flirtatious banter as we get into character, and on the other, the thrill of waiting for that moment when the playfully sinister scene unfolds. The beauty of it lies in the communication with my partners. There’s something so liberating about exploring fantasies together in a safe and consensual way.

While it may sound unconventional to some, I don’t see my fascination as something ‘weird. Rather, it feels perfectly natural within the realm of exploration. Every relationship is stitched together by unique threads, and this particular eye for the dramatic adds a flair of excitement that keeps things interesting.

I think we should celebrate our kinks, whatever they may be, without shame. It is all about discovering what brings us joy and sharing that with our partners. Whether it is rough play, enticing costumes, or even the thrill of fear. Exploring fantasies can not only enhance intimacy but also ignite deeper bonds between partners.

Rough sex or soft sex?

In a world where vanilla sex is often romanticized, I find myself gravitating towards a different flavor altogether. Kinky, rough primal sex. For me, the thrill of being controlled and engaging in primal play is where the true passion lies. This is not just a preference. It is an essential part of my sexuality that keeps my interest piqued and my desires fulfilled.

Let me break it down. Soft, vanilla sex has its place, but it often feels mundane, boring and predictable. The gentle caresses, sweet whispers, and soft kisses can quickly lead to a sense of complacency. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying tender moments, but when it comes to my intimate experiences, I crave the intensity that only rough sex can deliver.

What draws me most to this side of sexuality is the element of control and consent. I engage in what’s known as CNC (Consensual Non Consent) play. For those unfamiliar, it is based on the idea of establishing boundaries while navigating power dynamics that imply a lack of consent. It is crucial that both partners are informed, enthusiastic, and aware of each other’s limits. This unique blend of Dominance and submission can lead to heightened emotional and physical arousal. When I’m in a situation where I feel that level of controlled abandon, it adds layers to the experience that simply can’t be achieved through softness.

Primal play is another aspect of my preference for rough sex. When I’m in that primal headspace, I lose myself, reverting to a more instinctual and raw form of sexuality that feels liberated. It is a dance of sorts, one where my partner and I communicate through body language and heightened senses. The animalistic instincts that come into play amplify everything: the passion, the heat, the connection. With primal sex, I no longer feel like merely a participant. I become part of something more primal and visceral. It is transformative in ways I never thought possible.

Rough sex keeps the element of surprise alive. The unpredictability of a passionate encounter creates an adrenaline rush that vanilla sex simply cannot match. I love the rawness of being taken and the immediacy of the moment. In these encounters, I have the freedom to express myself without fear of judgment, allowing each touch, each movement to speak volumes. It is exhilarating and liberating, knowing that I have a partner who understands and reciprocates that energy.

Communication is key in this journey. My partners and I are always open about our desires, boundaries, and safe words. Trust is the cornerstone of any meaningful sexual experience, but it becomes even more critical in rough sex play. Establishing a safe space where I can explore my kinks without fear creates a robust framework within which I can thrive.

In the end, choosing rough, kinky sex over soft vanilla experiences is not merely about the physical. It is about a profound connection that transcends the very essence of my being.

I feel compelled to write this because of recent events I have witnessed in the BDSM community and vanilla world. This will be a post about my observations and feelings stemming from my lived experience. I want to warn people this is a controversial topic.

A little bit of background of myself I am a demisexual cisgender white male who grew up in a nuclear family with a lower middle class lifestyle. I am 28 and have been in the BDSM world for 3+ years now I mostly participate online as traveling is expensive and hard for me to do. The community has been very welcoming especially the leather side that I have more recently dove into and started my journey.

I have chosen the title The Pendulum. it is how I have described what I have noticed from a young age. It is the best way I've found to describes this scenario. This pendulum is based on society and power and describes the differences between people. It can be used in many scenarios but most commonly race, religion, and politics. The pendulum to me is always swinging from one side to the other the time it takes to swing differs and the speed it swings always changes but it is constant in our history.

The example I want to bring to peoples attention that i felt compelled to talk about is a very political one. In a recent class I attended the volunteer presenter was explaining about an event in history and shared what they have learned about it. Then a participant spoke up and about his lived experience during that event in which he was a witness. This then lead to a very hostile and angry argument between the presenter and the participant. In this example the two parties are on either side of the pendulum and push it towards the other causing it to swing back just as strong.

This is where I feel a lot of politics leads, two sides pushing the blade at each other and it then swinging right back at them. The presenter had researched information about the event. The participant had lived experience from this event. In my analogy of the pendulum I imagine society being stuck between the two people fighting and pushing the blade back and forth getting cut and hurt every time.

I personally do not know what actually happened and part of the problem with all of history is we are never 100% certain what we believed happened is accurate. Eye witness testimony is often incorrect and our brains play tricks on us all the time leading to inaccuracy. This bleeds into our history books and especially online with people having many differing accounts of the events. Plus one person can not see everything going on from one point of view anyways.

Back to the pendulum. I imagine the two sides of the argument being cut and hurt by the other side when in reality they are both correct in their understanding of the events from their perspective. But the divide widens and the hurt that is caused leads to more and more division on the topic or issue at hand. In this example the pendulum was stopped by the host of the meeting but the damage was already done sadly. The hurt of one side feeling marginalized and the other side feeling silenced.

The host tried to mend the situation and move on with the class as best they could but in events like this it is almost impossible to return to normal without addressing it. The issue with addressing it is time as the class is limited and time is limited by the attendees. So it is not a simple problem to deal with for the host. I personally felt bad for both sides and everyone involved as it never should reach that point of hostility. Watching as the class participant was silenced to keep the peace and class moving felt very close to home as I too have been silenced many times in the past for my views.

This event aside I feel as a society when we have these hostile arguments where the pendulum swings cutting deeper into both sides it just divides us even more. One thing I see when it is pictured is we all bleed the same and are humans hurting each other when we should be joining forces and sharing those experiences to better understand each others side. I hope we can mend the divide in society and with time become better as a whole.

Written by my Master Calvin - Granted Consent to Sahre. 

You're welcome to take these questions and answer them all at once, or tackle them one at a time, focusing on one question each day. Feel free to approach this list however you like. Enjoy the process!

1: When did you lose your virginity?

2: Rough sex or soft sex?

3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes?

4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex?

5: Favorite sex position?

6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive?

7: Have you ever had any one night stands?

8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor?

9: Have you ever had sex in a public place?

10: Have you ever been caught masturbating?

11: What does your favourite underwear look like?

12: How often do you have sex?

13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with?

14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?

15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex?

16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex?

17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow sex?

18: Are you into dressing up for sex?

19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower?

20: If you could have sex with any celebrity right now, who would it be?

21: Have you ever had a threesome?

22: Do you/would you use sex toys?

23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture?

24: Would you have sex with your best friend?

25: Is there anything you do after sex?

26: Something that will never fail to get you horny?

27: Early morning sex or late night sex?

28: Favorite body part on the opposite sex?

29: Favorite body part on the same sex?

30: Do you watch porn?

Have fun diving into who you are and allowing us to be along for the journey.

When did you lose your virginity?

As I sit down to write about my first experience with intimacy, I have a mix of emotions that I can't quite put into words. It is a nuanced story that’s shaped my perspective on love, loss, and the journey of growing up. I was only 14 years old when I had what I consider my first sexual experience, even though I didn’t technically lose my virginity.

At that age, everything felt monumental. I had fallen deeply in love with someone who made my heart race and my world feel magical. Our connection was intense. Filled with stolen glances and whispered secrets. We explored each other in ways that didn’t involve the act of penetrative sex for over a year, but in my mind and heart, this experience was the catalyst that changed my understanding of intimacy.

Tragically, my first love passed away just a year later. The grief was overwhelming and left a significant impact on my life. Losing someone you love at such a young age forces you to confront harsh realities. For me, it solidified a strong resolve to avoid drugs and alcohol, as I never wanted to dull my emotions or be numb to the beauty and pain of love.

Fast forward to when I was 16, and I experienced what many people refer to as the legitimate act of losing virginity. When my hymen finally broke. Here’s the raw truth: it was not the blissful or romantic experience many people make it out to be. The pain that came with it was a shock. A searing reminder of the physical realities of intimacy that one might not be fully prepared for. I had heard whispers from friends and read snippets online about the experience, but nothing could have prepared me for the intensity of that moment.

I wish I had known more about lubrication and preparation for such experiences. Every woman deserves to have control over her body and to be equipped with knowledge that can ease discomfort. It is crucial that we open up conversations around this topic because the stigma surrounding discussions about lubrication and pleasure leaves many women in the dark.

Despite the pain, I learned valuable lessons about intimacy and relationships. I realized that love isn’t merely physical. It is emotional and mental, and every moment shared with someone special, regardless of whether you’ve shared a physical experience, holds its own kind of significance.

As I reflect on these experiences now, I understand that they shaped me into who I am today. They taught me the importance of awareness, communication, and care in any relationship. While my first love was cut tragically short, the lessons I carried forward have helped me navigate the complexities of love, loss, and intimacy in a more informed way.

“What parts of yourself do you hide from most people, and why?”

I don't necessarily hide things about myself, but I also don't always offer everything up freely. If you ask me a specific question, I'll be open and answer honestly because, to me, there's really no reason to hide anything. But there are some things I don't typically bring up unless asked.

For example, I have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), and I also was diagnosed as a sociopath. These are parts of who I am, but I don't always feel the need to share them with everyone. I lack empathy and compassion, and sometimes I struggle to understand societal norms. These traits can make it difficult for me to relate to people the way they might expect. I also have alters within my system. While I only really know of one alter, Lexi, I’ve been told there are others, though we don't communicate with each other. You might notice I sometimes refer to "we" in my writing, and that's because of my experience living with DID.

The reason I don't just offer this up is that people often judge me or simply don't seem to care to understand what it is really like. Hollywood tends to portray DID in a way that sensationalizes it, making it seem as though people like me are violent or monstrous, which couldn’t be further from the truth. It is a complicated and often messy experience, and I think there's a lot of misunderstanding out there.

Despite all of this, I do my best to thrive. I make it a mission of mine to learn about empathy and compassion, even though it is something that doesn't come naturally to me. I try to understand what those things mean and how to connect with others in a way that feels genuine, even if I don't always succeed. Ultimately, I just want to be understood for who I really am, without all the labels or misconceptions.

I’ve been thinking a lot about inclusivity lately. Specifically, about something that feels a little off in some BDSM spaces. When people claim to be welcoming but don’t actually follow through in meaningful ways. It’s about acceptance, not just in words but in actions.

BDSM, is about acceptance. It is about understanding that people’s desires, interests, beliefs, and identities can be different from your own, and that’s not just okay, it is celebrated. It is a community where judgment shouldn’t exist, where people can explore and express themselves freely without fear of rejection or ridicule. But here's the thing. Simply saying “we're welcoming” or “we're inclusive” doesn’t automatically create an environment where everyone feels safe and accepted. Words alone aren't enough. It has to be active welcoming.

What Does “Active Welcoming” Actually Mean?

When I say “active welcoming,” I mean that it is not just about saying the right things, but also about taking tangible actions that show you truly mean it. It is the little things, the details that matter. For example, it is making sure that all forms of diversity, whether it is related to gender, race, sexuality, background, beliefs or experience level, are genuinely represented, respected, and treated with kindness. It means being willing to step outside of your comfort zone and challenge biases, whether they’re your own or someone else’s.

Active welcoming is about making people feel like they belong, not just that they’re allowed to be there. It is about fostering an environment where consent isn’t just a buzzword, but something that’s taken seriously in every interaction. It is about acknowledging that everyone has their own unique journey in BDSM, and that those differences should be honored, not dismissed.

The Problem with “Bias Inclusivity”

Here's where it gets tricky. Some spaces and communities claim to be “inclusive,” but what they really mean is “bias inclusivity.” What does that mean? Well, it means that while they might be welcoming of some differences, there are limits to that acceptance. Maybe certain kinks are seen as “too much,” or certain identities are dismissed because they’re not “mainstream” or “palatable.” This is the kind of “inclusivity” that feels hollow. It is like saying you’re okay with people who are a little different, but only if they fit into your narrow understanding of what “different” should look like.

If you’re going to say you’re welcoming, then you’ve got to mean it for everyone. That includes the people who might be perceived as “outliers” within the community, the ones with kinks or preferences that aren’t as commonly understood or accepted. That means including those with different levels of experience, different lifestyles, and different identities. It means being open minded enough to listen, learn, and evolve, because true inclusivity isn't about setting arbitrary limits on what’s acceptable.

Why Inclusivity Is So Important in BDSM

BDSM isn’t just about physical acts; it is about trust. It is about a connection between people who are willing to share a vulnerable part of themselves with others. If we’re not being truly inclusive, we’re denying people the opportunity to connect on a deeper level. It is not just toxic, it is dangerous.

When a space claims to be welcoming, but doesn’t make the effort to ensure it is genuinely safe and inclusive for all, it creates an environment where people feel like they have to hide parts of themselves. And that’s the opposite of what BDSM is about. It is about freedom, consent, and the acceptance that everyone’s journey is different. In an inclusive space, you should be able to be exactly who you are, without feeling like you have to conform to a certain standard or face judgment.

Practical Steps to Being Actively Welcoming

So, what can we do to create spaces that are truly welcoming and inclusive? Here are a few ideas that can help us all move in the right direction:

Check Your Biases: We all have them. It is important to recognize that they exist and be willing to confront them. The first step is acknowledging that we’re all capable of bias, no matter how open minded we think we are.

Diversify Representation: If your event or space is filled with the same type of people, then it is not truly inclusive. Make an effort to bring in people from all walks of life. Different genders, ethnicities, sexual orientations, body types, beliefs, and experience levels.

Create Clear Guidelines: Establishing a code of conduct that emphasizes consent, respect, and active listening can go a long way in making people feel welcome. Make sure that everyone knows that their identity, desires, and limits will be respected.

Educate and Share Knowledge: Inclusivity isn’t just about being nice; it is about learning. Offer resources, workshops, and open discussions about different kinks, identities, and needs. This helps to foster an environment of empathy and understanding.

Take Action When Necessary: If someone is violating consent, or causing harm, call it out. It is not enough to just say you’re inclusive, you have to hold people accountable when their actions go against that.

BDSM is meant to be a space where people can be themselves without judgment. That’s the essence of what makes it so powerful. But if we’re not actively welcoming everyone, we’re failing to live up to the core values of the community. It is about more than words. It is about actions that demonstrate our commitment to inclusivity and respect for all people, regardless of where they’re at in their BDSM journey.

So, if you’re running a house, hosting an event, or involved in any BDSM community, ask yourself: Are you truly welcoming? Or are you just saying you are? Let us make sure we mean it. Because at the end of the day, we’re all here to support each other and create safe spaces for self expression. Without judgment, without limits, and with a whole lot of understanding.