So, I read something earlier today that stopped me in my tracks: the idea that sexism is the orgasm gap. Basically, it means that while most men orgasm during sex, many women rarely, if ever, do. And honestly? I used to be one of those women.
In my early twenties, I thought I was having orgasms. Turns out… I wasn’t. (Yikes.) I didn’t realize that until I met my Master, Damon, who, for the record, was the first person to actually give me an orgasm. And not just one. But we’ll get to that in a minute.
Now, let me give credit where it is due. My mom was very sex-positive. She talked openly about sex, never shamed me, and always encouraged me to be informed. But here’s the catch, being informed isn’t the same as being equipped. I didn’t know how to communicate my desires. I didn’t have the words or the confidence to say, “Hey, this is what I need.” And if I’m being real, I was also choosing trash partners who were offering the bare minimum, and I was accepting it.
Why? Because trauma taught me that I didn’t get to have a voice. That was the script I was living by.
Therapy helped me change that. I started doing the heavy emotional weeding, pulling out the limiting beliefs, the shame, the fear of asking for what I wanted. And you know what I found under all that? My voice. My needs. My absolute right to sexual satisfaction. So... is the orgasm gap real? Yes, for some. But do I still experience it now? Hell no. I am living, moaning, soaking wet proof that women can have incredible, fulfilling sex, over and over again.
These days? Let's just say I go full Niagara Falls. Multiple orgasms are my norm. Better wear goggles, its splash mountain between my thighs. My record? Thirty two. (I know. I counted. You're welcome.) We’re talking hours of sex, layered with foreplay, toys, emotional connection, and straight up worship. And my partners? They might get one orgasm in the same amount of time. Not because I’m not trying to reciprocate, but because that’s how our bodies are wired.
Do I feel guilty? Nope.
Do I think it makes me sexist? Also nope.
Do I think it’s unfair? Maybe a little, but I’m not complaining!
Looking back at all those disappointing encounters in my past, I don’t blame the men for not being “Sexual Gods.” They didn’t know, and I didn’t tell them. That’s on me. I didn’t advocate for myself because I didn’t know how. But now? Now I do.
So, if you’re stuck in the orgasm gap, here’s my advice. Don’t blame it all on your partner. Dig deep. Find your voice. Do the work. Learn your body. Communicate your needs. And for the love of all things sexy, stop accepting the bare minimum.
As Noah said in The Notebook: “What do you want?!” Figure that out, communicate with your partner, and go get it.